Noelle.

TWENTY.

Jeremiah.

I knew that building a relationship with God wasn't gon be easy, and as much as I'd like to say that if I woulda known it was gon be this hard, I wouldn't have done it, but it's been rewarding as hell. To take a step back, learn myself, change, and grow into a better person? The you that the Man who created you intended for you to be long before you was even born? That shit raw.

It take a lot of shedding of old skins, traits of the person who you created yo'self to be, and old mindsets. I can be deadass and say that I ain't have the slightest idea of who I truly was until I found God, I found my identity through Him. It took a lotta trial and error to make it to where I am now in Christ. Discipline, prayer, self control, and most important, faith.

All I wanted all my life was to be a good man. I got to a point in life where it seemed like that desire was out of my grasp. Right when I felt like I finally made it there, right when it was at my fingertips, one look at Leilani face snatched it away with a quickness. I can't remember the last time I cried this much.

Nobody ever told me that it wasn't okay for me, as a man, to cry, but my mind made me feel like less of a man cause of it. I always had a small but secure support system, but after Judah died, I shut down for a few years. I started doing shit I ain't proud of, shit that coulda got me in a lotta trouble, shit that I had to repent from. I spiraled into a deep ass depression and was dead to the world, to emotions. And when I finally faced them emotions, they hit me like a tsunami while I was in therapy for the first time, it was a moment in my life that I know i'a neva forget.

*flashback *

"Hold on nigga, my moms callin" I coughed through the cloud of smoke. I was hotboxin the car with my niggas when I picked my phone up, glancing at the time, 3:34 am. My eyes widened at the time and I slid to answer the call as Brandon turned the music in the car down, "Hello?" I spoke in the phone. "Jeremiah, where are you? Judah got shot, you need to come home, we're going to the hospital" my mom panicked on the phone.

My eyes widened, "Aight, here I come" I spoke through the phone. "I gotta go" I spoke, passing the blunt and hopping out the car that was parked at a 24 hour gas station near the house. Without another word, I got in my moms car and sped home. I burst through the door, a half sleep Derek sitting on the couch, my moms pacing on the phone, "What happened?" I asked, tryna get her attention. She ignored me, crying, pacing, as if she ain't even notice I was in the house. "Ma" I shouted to her, nothin'. Nothin' but her panicked cry.

I slapped my brother arm as it rested on the arm of the couch, "What the fuck goin on?" I asked him. He lifted his head to look at me. "Judah got shot" He replied vaguely, "Duh nigga, how y'all find out? What hospital he at?" I raised my voice at my little brother. He shrugged, "I don't know Jeremiah, chill out" he replied, rolling his eyes. I grabbed my moms arm, "Come on" I spoke, heading out the door, Derek following as he closed the door behind us. My mom cut her call as she got into the car, "What hospital?" I asked, turning my eyes to look at her. She stared at me, her eyes as slits, she slapped my arms repeatedly, "Get'cho high ass out the drivers seat" she yelled as I blocked her hits, getting out the car and readjusting my hoodie. She punched me and slapped my arm's repeatedly as we switched sides.

"You high as a fuckin kite, Judah got shot, put yo damn seatbelt on!" she shouted as I did as told. This shit must be serious, my moms don't get angry like this, I could see the panic in her eyes as I shaped up, tryna sober myself up. "Ma, what happened?" Derek asked softly from the backseat. My mom broke out into sobs, "I Don't know baby. He was supposed to be at work. I don't know" she sobbed out. The sight of my momma a cryin mess made my chest tighten, she rarely ever cried in front of us, so to see her losin her shit was new to us, I ain't know what to do, so I sat there silently as my mom prayed under her breath, still crying.