Finding Home

Chapter Thirty Five-Paige

He loved her. Nathan loved her. There was a part of Paige that always knew he did, even though she told herself he didn't. He left her and you don't leave the people you love. Even after learning why he left she still believed that he love her just not enough. He might have loved her but not enough to stay with her.

Now he was telling her the depth of his love, how sorry he was for leaving, how much he wanted to make it up to her. He was hers. She had never had someone willingly give themself to her. She knew that the mate bond caused werewolf's to lay claim to their mate. To say 'mine' and not allow them to love or even look at another, it was something that scared her.

She was her own. She did not belong to anyone, the thought being owned rankled her. But having Nathan offer himself to her, willingly tell her that he was hers, it made her think differently about it. Could she be comfortable being owned if she equally owned him? She had told him that she would never submit to him, that she would never allow him to rule over her. She still felt that way, but here he was, telling her he'd submit to her.

If she was honest, the 'don't need a man' part of 'strong independent woman' always gave her pause. Were the two mutually exclusive? Could she be a strong independent woman and still need a loving relationship? Perhaps the 'need' referred to her physical well-being, providing a home, food, clothes. She didn't need a man for that. She could do that all on her own. But love? Care? Affection? Companionship? Those were all things that were a little bit harder to find on her own. She could find love from her friends, caring from her family and affection from those she let into her life.

Companionship was a little more complicated. She knew that her friends would all leave one day. That they'd all find their own relationships and create their own families. She'd have a place in those families, they all told her she would but it would always be on the periphery, never the center of someone's world.

She always thought she'd be fine on her own. After ending it with Anton this last time, she decided that she wasn't going to date anymore. She felt like it was a soul-sucking endeavor that resulted in exhaustion more than anything. She only kept going back to him because he was convenient, he was always there and he wanted her, for a while at least. Eventually he'd get bored of her, he'd cheat, they'd break up for a while and then he'd come back, with professions of love and promises to change. She'd take him back each time, not because she really loved him, but because being with him was easier than dating. It was easier than trying to find the same feeling she had when ever she was with Nathan. It was easier than being let down after she failed to find it.

But now here he was. Nathan. Her Nathan. Promising to be hers, to love her, to submit to her. It was more then she could have possibly ever dreamed of. When she'd lie awake at night dreaming of what a future with him would hold. She had always imagined it with them living together unpacked. In London or maybe some other city. They'd have kids and she'd work since she had more real world experience. They'd make pancakes and play in the garden. They'd go to the park and take their kids to school. They'd take on the world together. It was something she'd always dream of but ultimately let go because the dream, while nice, never felt right. She thought that that meant that Nathan wasn't right, that they weren't right together. But now standing in his arms, listening to his love spoken allowed, it felt right. He felt right.

In the blink of an eye she could see them together. Living here, in the pack, raising their pups. She'd still work but it would be with Nathan, it would be for the pack. Together they'd teach the new generation a new way of doing things. A way of equality and acceptance. She'd make sure that hers and the packs daughters knew they were strong and could fight for those they loved. She'd teach the boys to hold on to their softness, that they could be kind and merciful, that they didn't have to sacrifice it on the alter of werewolf strength and masculinity. They could still make pancakes and play in the yard.

Paige's heart yearned for that future. She yearned to tell him that she would stay. That she would equally be his as he was hers. She opened her mouth to tell him but she couldn't find the words.

"I love you Nathan." She told him instead. "I love you, so much it hurts. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. I wish I could tell you that I will stay with you, that I will be yours. But I can't." She took a deep breath as she shook her head. "I can't because I don't know what the next few days will hold. There is so much going on and no matter how much my feelings want to hijack my logic in this moment, I can't let it. Like you said, the decision to stay is bigger than just me and you. But I will always love you, no matter how the next two days go." She reached up and held his face in her hands as she told him, "My heart will be yours, whether or not I stay, my heart will always be yours."

She pulled his face down to her and kissed him again. Where their first kiss had been all passion and fire, this one was tenderness and love. With this kiss, she tried to show him the depth of the love she had for him. Trying to tell him that she would stay if she could, if everything went as they hoped it would, she would stay. Her heart had already decided on it. If she got her wolf, she would stay. She would give herself to him. She'd go back to London to defend her dissertation and graduate, but then she'd come right back to him. She would stay and be his Luna, even though the thought of it terrified her, she would do it. For him. It was a lot to ask of a kiss, but she hoped it worked.

When they pulled apart, they looked at each other with a look of knowing. Without really having to say anything they were on the same page. He knew her heart the same way she knew his. It was a knowing shared of two souls that were intertwined from the beginning.

Nathan took a big breath and let it out in a sigh and wrapped his arms around her. He held her close and Paige felt safe, like nothing could touch her. She felt like home. She never wanted to leave this feeling. She never wanted to leave his arms. She never wanted to leave home.