My Princess {BangChan x Reader}

Chapter 6

Y/N pov:

I ran to my room as quickly as I could. I didn't dare think about looking back, because I knew that if I did I wouldn't come back alive.

I hear three knocks on the door followed by a maid saying "Young ms please pack your bags the wedding is in two days, but you will be moved to the hotel today". "By whos orders?" I say hesitantly. I'm trying my very hardest to forget the fact that I am to wed in two days. What has been everyother little girls dream, and unconditional goal, is the moment in my life that I've dreaded the most. "By Mr. Wolfs orders directly ." The maid says. I don't bother to respond, I'm too enraged to act in such lady like manner as to politely reply. I know she in fact has no fault, but yet relentlessly Im genuinely enraged and scared. That man is the only thing I fear more than life his self. If you are to ask me why I do not fear death, but fear life, I would ponder on such question. But effortlessly my heart would say it's because to live is to try, to breathe, to wish, and to hope, that one day you will be okay. To live is to keep going regardless if you tired to work and to work, to reach something, that guarantees your satisfaction you are to live only to reach success but at which cost? To live is to suffer and cry in pain. To live is to love and lose it is to fall in love but then stand up and fall out of it. To live is to go through life numb. To live is to go through life not knowing if you are enough not knowing if you're going to make it. But to die has such bittersweets simplicity that I to reach my hand out and graze deaths cold hand yearning for her palm and her fingers to be  within my hands. Why live when death is so beautifully romanticized into an idealic scene of bliss? I yearn, for that simplicity for that bliss. I too long, for the chance to be at rest.
I

have no thoughts in my head as my luggage is packed into a car and I am dressed in simple clothes. And in an instant I feel my heart sink again just as the image of us being at the altar me and him. We are together standing before a pastor both of our lips forming to say the words " I do". I see myself looking in the mirror draped in white lace a beautiful wedding dress which in movies is supposed to make me cry with joy, but in the mirror I see trials of mascara and tears of utter most sadness flood my face. I now realize that I do not fear him, and I don't think that I ever really did I think what I really feared was the idea of being his. I think I feared the idea of not being abled to be my own person the idea of belonging to him. The idea that I was no longer seen as myself but as a part of him. I was scared that I would no longer be a woman to say the least I would just be Mr. Wolfs wife. And the part that really haunted me the part that encumbered my heart was the fact that I would have to give myself to him. The fact that he would be my first everything I was just so scared. I did not want to get married but I knew deep down that I had to that I would be nothing if I didn't. And then these questions started filling my head. What if he sells me? What if he hits me? What if he kills me? What if I'm not enough for him? What if he is not loyal? What if they kill me looking for him? My life is at risk by being tied to his name. Would I ever be able to love a man so cruel and so dark would I be able to love a man so vile? Would I be able to learn to love a man who probably would never love me back? And even if in some way he would love me what if I was never going to be enough? How could I ever begin to understand the complexity of these questions? They just kept repeating inside my head on loop it was driving me crazy I felt like screaming I thought I was going insane. But the thought of his voice calling out my name and answering my heart's troubles gave me an odd sense of serene. How would I be able to fall for him if I could never even learn to love myself?
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Okay so this was a small chapter and I feel like I just kept on rambling on but I really like it and I feel like I Incorporated myself into this chapter. I kind of sort of maybe lost motivation but I will have the chapters updated sooner. This is all for now but like don't worry cuz I'll find motivation I've been really busy so updating might take a while but I love you very much and don't forget to check out my other book Enraged. Much loveeee