Is There Anybody Out There?

2 Minus 1: The Spiral of The Emo Aegi

I was sitting in my bed on Friday night, waiting to ask Soonyoung or Jeonghan if Chan was still at Tiger Pounce so I could go get him. No one answered me so I walked into the living room to ask Joshua if he had heard from anyone.

I looked around the dark living room and kitchen before checking Joshua's room. He's not here. Well where did he go? Why isn't anyone answering me? I decided to shoot him a text.

"Where are you? Can you ask Jeonghan if Chan is at Tiger Pounce? I tried to text him but he's not answering and it's getting late so I want to make sure I go walk him home if he is."

I waited for a bit before he responded.

"Jeonghan and Chan are with me right now at Stray Kids, we're watching 3racha!"

Without me? I guess that's okay, but why didn't Chan answer and tell me he wasn't at Tiger Pounce? The next thing I saw illuminated the dark living room as I sat down in the couch, my body sinking as my heart followed it.

It was a picture of Joshua and Chris, which was cute, but the picture beside it had my full attention. Chan standing against Changbin, leaning against him and a blush on his face. He looked happy.

Seungkwan told me he was clingy with friends but, since when was he such good friends with Changbin that he was that friendly?

Stop being so jealous Hansol. He is not yours. He doesn't belong to you. He can be clingy with Changbin. Maybe he likes him? What if he does?

Still looking at the picture I responded, "Oh, okay. Have fun, if you need someone to come get you, give me a call."

The feeling in my chest started to physically hurt as I finally tore my eyes away from the picture, turning off my phone and throwing it to the side. I leaned back against the couch as I closed my eyes, sighing heavily before starting to speak to myself.

"Hansol Vernon Chwe. You love him. You absolutely love him. And he probably doesn't love you back. He's so sweet and amazing... I want him to be happy. If he likes Changbin... I'll just get out of his life so he doesn't have to deal with me being in love with him. Anything for him to be happy. You don't own him. You are not his boyfriend. You can't be jealous. You're not allowed to be fucking jealous!!"

I sat in silence after I yelled out, opening my eyes and sitting in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling. After I calmed down a bit, I heard my phone go off.

I opened it and saw a message from Chan. Maybe I'm overreacting? I opened the message and immediately felt a lump in my throat.

"I have a confession. I like a rapper I saw perform at Stray Kids."

I paused, starting to type, deleting it and typing it again and again as tears welled up in my eyes. I decided to just not say anything, throwing my phone back down and shoving my face in my hands as I sobbed into them.

I knew it. I knew he liked Changbin. Why would anyone like me? I'm not buff. I'm not that attractive. Jennie was right. No one will ever love me. My mom was right too, I'm not good enough for anyone. It was too good to be true to think that someone like Lee Chan would actually love me. Joshua, Seungkwan, and Jeonghan... All of them lied to me... And Joshua and Jeonghan are with him!! They took him to see the guy he actually likes.

Is this pay back? Punishment for dating Jennie when they didn't like her? Punishment for how I acted after she ended it? Did they bring Chan here just to break my heart and actually make me leave this time?

My dad was right... This profession is stupid and I'll never do good at it. I'm not as good as Changbin. I'm never gonna be big. I'm never gonna be loved.