Loving Belle ✎

18

BELLE
° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 °

Sometimes I have days were I think of relapsing. Drink until I drown. Drink until I think of not wanting to die.

Today is one of those days. I'm sitting on my floor, my leg bouncing as I stare at my ceiling.

I missed my classes, I missed my parents, I miss myself.

I don't know how or why I get like this, what triggers the overwhelming emotions, but I know it won't go away until I give in.

I feel like I'm going to die if I don't. I don't cry, I don't move, I just stare. I stare for what feels like hours, until my body is so aware of every suicidal thought that I start trembling.

I'm so tired. So incredibly drained. I don't miss the way the sun starts setting, the way phone is dinging with dozen of messages, the knock on my door.

I just sit.

"Belle?" A soft voice asks. I don't answer, I pretend I'm not here. I wish I wasn't here. "Are you okay Belle?" The voice speaks again but I'm so consumed with my thoughts that I don't realise it's Vivian.

Hunter is here with Vivian. And I forgot.

I slowly get up, go to the bathroom, wash my face and plaster a smile on my face. Every inch of my body is hoping I'd get what I crave, feeling my heart haemorrhage from the pain of knowing I won't.

Knowing I can't.

I look like I haven't slept all night. Maybe it's because I didn't. I open the door of my bedroom and walk out, feeling like a ghost in my own body.

"Sorry," I say quietly and wrap my arms around Vivian slowly.

"Are you okay?" She mumbles quietly looking up at me with worried eyes.

I force myself to smile. "Yeah, where's Hunter?"

"He's coming, he forgot my jacket in the car and since we're walking, his scared I'm going to be cold." She starts rambling but I feel myself dozing off. I try hard to focus but my mind keeps going to the only thing I know will stop me from feeling this pain.

"You girls ready to go?" Hunter walks in, all handsome and happy with a cute smile on his face. We didn't end up going on our date because Vivian wanted to spend time with me today. Hunter said I could say no yesterday night but I didn't.

Vivian cheers and holds her hand out for me to hold. I accept, gently letting her intertwine our fingers.

I follow her outside, Hunter strolling behind us slowly. "Are you cold?" Vivian asks me.

When I get like this, I'm more focused on not trying to hurt myself than my body temperature so I just shake my head. Hunter is beside me now and I feel his eyes on me but I stare ahead. I know if I look at him, I'll break down.

We stop at a park that Vivian thought was fascinating just because it had two extra swings and a big slide. I sit on the bench, feeling Hunter beside me. "You okay?"

"Yep!" I think I said that way to enthusiastically because he looks at me like he knows what I'm thinking.

"How were your classes?"