The Mikaelson's cousin

In the middle of the night in my dreams

(Quote Tayler Swift "Ready of it")

***Warned, the next scenes talk about anxiety, trauma and post-traumatic shock, panic, nightmare and others. If you are not comfortable you can jump, if you live similar situations do not hesitate to ask for help from your entourage or there is help online, it is important to talk about mental health. Please be careful. ***

 I fell asleep quickly, after 48 hours without sleep it was predictable. My rest did not last, I woke up with a start, all the muscles of my body tense, my senses in alert. I had just had one of those dreams that echoed all the traumatic experiences that we lived giving them an increased realism. The bites had not hallucinated me, but she had certainly reminded me of my moment of captivity with the wolves of New Orleans. Why did this event have to haunt me again? It's been a century, I should be able to forget and move on. 

I got out of bed trying not to wake up Klaus, to go pass cold water on my face to calm me down. Unfortunately, this had no effect, and I felt anxiety gain me. Unable to think rationally, I sit on the floor, knees near my chest, head on them, trying to take long inspiration. I had not experienced such a major anxiety attack in so many years.

In general, anxiety is unpleasant for those who are victims, but for a vampire it is really hell. Our senses that are tenfold make the experience really impossible to focus on a single thing, we hear what happens  a kilometer, we see tiny details and all its information are added to our thoughts, so we are unable to sort or analyze. In my case, I am paralyzed, unable to do simple tasks like walking. Over time, I learned stress management techniques that allow me to calm down before going to the panic stage. Like right now, I'm totally paralyzed, sitting on the floor of a motel bathroom. These techniques are not infallible and it was in those moments that I really hated my own mind. It became a dark place where all my demons pooped in the shadows to emerge, I was trapped, unable to escape, without any control.

It is also at this time that I am very grateful that Niklaus is not someone who sleeps soundly. 

Klaus's dairy

It must have been almost ten minutes since I was woken up by my little sister who had come out of bed. I had not opened my eyes and I was waiting to hear her go back to sleep. Hearing nothing, I rose to see what she could do in the middle of the night. As I do not see her in the room, I go to the bathroom, the door is open. She was sitting in a little ball with her back to the wall in the dark. The last time I saw her in a similar state was in New Orleans... Of course, the wolves. 

She never said everything they did to her, but it was obvious there was more. Elijah, Rebekah and I had repeatedly tried to make him say what had happened, without result. She was always too afraid or perhaps ashamed of what had happened.

Personally, I felt guilty about what had happened to her, I had been unable to protect her. Besides, it took us more than a month to find where they were keeping her captive.