A Bang and a Whimper

3

After about a week in the infirmary, Thor decides that it is time to brighten Loki's room. Loki is still working diligently through the pile of books that Thor left by his bedside. Some are now dog-eared, read repeatedly, their margins filled with pencil notes as Loki has found new things hidden in the text. And Thor has brought him a few more books throughout the week.

Thor enters with another armload of books and stacks them on whatever free surface or stable pile he can find. Every cover is colourful.

"You bring me more to read? These look of Midgard."

"They were favourites of Jane's."

Loki is not sure what to say. On one hand, he is incredibly prejudiced against books with illustrated covers. On the other, he is deeply honoured that Thor would bring him Jane's books.

"I found the stories amusing, but there were so many things in them that referred to Midgardian culture that I did not understand. They were no less enjoyable to me, but they were treats to her, especially so far from home."

"How long did she live here?"

"Thirty years. She finished what she could with her work in Midgard and came here to study with our people. She was brilliant. She never stopped being curious."

"And she brought her books with her?"

"This series, yes. She said there was something about them that satisfied her homesickness."

Loki examines the cover of the top book, "'The Colour of Magic'- is this a book on sorcery?"

"Yes and no. You will simply have to read them. Terry Pratchett is a hard author to pin down. I think you will enjoy his writing, through. He is cheeky. Mischievous. But deeply profound."

"Then I will approach them with an open mind."

"Yes. Do not let the disregard for Midgard we were taught cast a shadow over them before you begin. I think you will be pleasantly surprised."

As Thor leaves, Loki realizes that he has just had his first literary discussion with Thor. They have never discussed books. The books Loki usually reads are far too dense to capture Thor's interests. He sets the book open on his lap aside and stares for a few moments at this new text. Jane's books. A colourful cover, a fanciful title font. A book jacket. Loki has a special distain for book jackets. But this is not his book, so he does not strip it of its clothing. He opens it and is immediately captivated by how the book seems to scream to be read aloud. The language is delicious.

The next day, Thor returns with flowers and he sets them in a vase on the one table out of Loki's reach and therefore not completely covered in books.

"Flowers, Thor?"

"Yes. Do you not know what day it is?"

"No, I do not. I lost time my first days here. I do not know precisely when I am."

"It is Mother's birthday."

"Oh...." Loki's sadness is clear, "So those would be from Mothe-...Frigga's garden."

"Yes. But why will you not call her your mother? It is clear to me that you miss her dearly and you love her still. But you will not call her by anything but her name or title. I do not understand."

"I broke her heart, Thor."

"But she always held you close. Nothing could separate you from her. Why do you act as though it could?"

"Because one thing could and did."

Thor sits on the edge of his bed, "Tell me."

"I do not wish to."

"You do not wish to, but do you need to?"

Loki wants to let his anger rule him and to tell Thor to take a flying leap, but he stops himself and instead resigns himself to the obvious, "Yes, I do. And if you repeat any of what I tell you to Odin or anyone else, I will beat you bloody the moment I am freed of this cast and contraption."

"Have I told anything to anyone yet?"

"I do not believe so."

"Correct."

"Send the guards out. And close the door."

Thor hesitates only a moment before doing as he is asked, "There. Now, why? What came between the two of you?"

"I did. She came to me in my cell- not in person, of course. Odin forbade that. But in her projection. You must remember her appearing to us during our studies? Yes?" Thor nods. "She did the same after Odin told her she was barred from visiting my cell. While she was not going to flout his decree completely, she was determined not to allow him to throw me aside. In that final conversation, I lost my temper. I shouted that Odin is not my father. And she asked if then she was not my mother. And I said no." It is clear to Thor that this is something Loki mourns. His voice wavers as he holds his hands out as though he is reaching for someone. His voice is barely above a whisper, "And then she died...." He closes his eyes and his hands fall.

It is the most vulnerable Thor has seen him in years. Possibly since they were children. He cannot help but open his arms and enfold his brother. Loki does not stiffen and resist as he expects, but instead rests his head on his shoulder and cries. Thor does not know what to say, so instead of fumbling for words, he stays silent and waits.

When Loki sits up, he has no idea what to say to Thor. He is embarrassed that he still grieves so deeply. This is not the way of Asgard's warriors. He tries to pull himself together so he can pretend that he is stronger than he is, or at least pretend that he is more distant than he is, but he cannot seem to put his mask back in place. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve and sighs, dropping back against his pillows.

"Is this what you wish to see, Thor? A broken, tired man, remorseful and full of regrets, ready to bend to your will?" He tries to muster at least a little spite or bitterness for his words, but it falls short and he only sounds weary and exasperated with himself.

"No. But I do wish to see my brother as he is, and if this grief is still this heavy on your heart, then yes. I do not want an illusion. And you will never bend to me. I would be a fool to consider that possible."

"That much is true. I am constant in my stubbornness."

"Constant in your nature. You are ever-seeking, ever-changing, and driven by your curiosity and your sense of justice."

"Again, I think you see me far more noble than I am."

Thor rests a hand on his shoulder, "No, I see you as she saw you."

He is quiet for a moment before his soft reply, "'So perceptive about everyone but myself.'"

"She was right. But you have learned much since then. I think you have begun to know yourself a little better."

"And what if I do not particularly like what I have found?"

"Then I will do what Jane called 'reframing'. Your actions show courage."

"That is not how Odin would put it."

"Odin is not the final word on who you are."

At that, Thor squeezes his shoulder and leaves. Loki stares at his hands folded over the book on his lap. There are too many memories in his head that he wishes were easier to shut out. But they keep playing. He picks up the book. 'Equal Rites'- the title is clever. This Pratchett, he thinks, was the kind of Midgardian he had thought did not exist. They had seemed so flighty, but this one...cheeky was an understatement. He escapes into the book, pushing both his confession and the memories it conjures to the back of his mind.