A Bang and a Whimper

27

The first thing Loki says when Thor enters is, "Your father is confusing."

"Oh? What did he do this time?"

"He continued the conversation we were having when Jenna was in the room."

"She mentioned that he spoke to you. She was unhappy."

"I know she was. I did what I could to end the conversation gently, but I should have been more forceful earlier. I just did not want him to become angry and frighten her."

Thor nods and pats his shoulder, "Good thinking, Brother. What did he say when he returned?"

"I do not wish to go into detail, but he asked why I could accept Mother and not him. And I told him. He was not happy, but there was something different this time. He raged for a while, but in the end, he said he did not understand me and never would, but that he could at least understand why Mother's actions spoke to me. And then he left."

"This is not usual for him."

"No. Not at all. When did you speak to him last?"

"When I told him of Jenna's decision."

"And did you converse, or merely inform him?"

"We did not converse."

"And before this?"

"We went weeks without speaking."

Loki hands Thor a cup of tea and then settles to sip his own, "He has been left with only his thoughts."

"Brother, do you think it is possible that he has reconsidered his feelings about you?"

"I do not know."

Thor studies him, "Do you not know, or are you thinking of something and thus not answering until you can put it to words?"

"I dare not hope." Loki sighs, "Thor, did you ever consider asking him what he said to me after you left me in chains?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever?"

"I asked Mother. She told me little."

"She was not present. And even if she knew what he was to say, I doubt she wanted to think him capable of it."

"Loki, what did he tell you?"

Loki fiddles with his teaspoon, "I asked that if the axe were to fall, to please just do it. No more pretenses or conversations. Just let it happen. After all, if my birthright was to die, as he said just moments prior, why not? And he sent me to the cell. Life imprisoned, a declaration that I was to live and die alone, cut off from anyone who might still love me."

Silence. Thor cannot think of anything to say. He sets his tea aside and walks closer to his brother. Loki walks away and sits down at his desk, placing his tea on the little shelf above it. Then he drops his head into his hands. Thor follows and wraps his arms around him, resting his chin on Loki's shoulder.

"He has brought these memories to the surface."

"They have never been far from it, Thor. Never. But yes, he asked why Mother deserved my mercy and he did not. And I told him exactly why."

"Speak, Brother. You need to say the words. I hear them waiting on your lips."

"He wanted me dead and she never thought to leave me," he whispers. Thor feels the heartbreak in his voice as though it were his own.

"I did not know he told you he wanted to kill you."

"Yes. And he told me that it was only Mother's love that kept me alive. But he sought to destroy her grace by keeping me from ever seeing her again. Thank all that is sacred that she was defiant right to her end. Denying her was, by far, the worst thing I have ever done."

"I know that is how you feel. But she did not give up on you, even then."

"Of course not. That was not her nature. And your daughter seems to have inherited this gift for grace and mercy."

Thor smiles, "Jenna is so much both Mother and Jane. Bold, thoughtful, caring, and ever persistent in her love."

"She has learned well from her father." Loki sits up and Thor takes a step back, "But this does not, ultimately, deal with the problem of Odin. We cannot go on like this. It hurts too deeply. I have told him what I can. What he has done through my eyes. If he cannot accept this, I do not wish to speak to him again. And if he does some day choose to embrace Jenna, I do not want him to put her in a position where she feels torn between us."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I do not know. I would hope he comes to beg Jenna's forgiveness, but I do not think that realistic."

"Nor do I. But as neither of us have any thoughts, and tomorrow is a feast day, shall we ride to the city? There will be revels in the square, and merchants with carts of wonderful things. Perhaps it will take your mind off this for a while."

"I do not wish to be recognized."

"That will not be hard to arrange. The city will be shoulder to shoulder with people. It is Bor's birthday. No one stays home."

"Have you taken Jenna before?"

"Yes."

"Then yes. Let us leave this place. At least if we are out, I will have no more uncomfortable conversations with your father. But first, we must sleep."

"Be gentle with yourself, Brother. It seems that you are once again defining yourself only through Father's eyes. Instead, try seeing yourself through Jenna's. Or mine. Anyone who loves you, if that is not yourself."

"Thank you, Thor."

"Sleep well. Tomorrow we will rise early. If you have not had breakfast with our fellow Aesir from carts in the square, you have not experienced this city. It will remind you what we all can be to one another." He leaves.

Loki crawls into bed without changing his clothes. The little owl Jenna cuddles with when she sleeps in his bed is on his night stand. He retrieves it and holds it close to his chest as he did so many times as a child. With so much on his mind, he needs the comfort of something that was his mother's.