A Bang and a Whimper

29

Sif comes to Loki's chambers after dusk on the day of the assassination attempt. She has spent most of the day with Fandral listening to the four advisors rant about why Loki deserves to die. It has been exhausting and she is horrified. Fandral is asleep in Thor's guest bed. He was too tired to go to his own home. Sif is too worried to sleep.

She knocks on his door and waits.

Loki is upright in bed, blankets up to his waist, reading, when he hears the familiar knock, "You may enter." He waits. The door opens and clicks closed softly. She appears in his bedroom doorway, "Good evening, Sif."

"Hello, Loki."

"You are visiting rather late, are you not?"

"Yes. The interrogations were far more involved than we anticipated."

"Oh?"

"The four worked together. Thor will have to choose new advisors. His current ones are being charged with treason. Fandral let them talk at length. Their words were not easy ones to hear."

"Ah."

"I do not yet know their sentence. They will go before the king."

"Traditionally, treason comes with a death sentence."

"It did not for you."

"No, it did. Do not think that I was not handed that sentence upon my return."

"He sentenced you to death?"

It still hurts to hear it said out loud, "Yes, but for my mother's grace...."

"Oh. I did not know."

"I have told only Thor, and only as of yesterday. Now you."

She crosses her arms and leans on the door frame, "Today has been more difficult for me than I anticipated. It seems that thoughts of your death are more troubling to me than they once were."

"Because of what I have done, it was once easier?" He wants to shut down, to retreat to the book and possibly the liquor cabinet, and push her away so he does not have to hear what she has to say. But he also needs to hear it, in case his worst fears are not unfounded.

"We were once such good friends. I was so deeply confused when you fell. I mourned, yes, but you had sent the Destroyer after Thor. And then you returned in chains and Thor mentioned something horrible had happened in Midgard and I wished you had been dead so I did not have to watch you destroy yourself. My loyalties were to Thor and there was no question in my mind that if you betrayed him on your quest for vengeance, I would kill you. You were no longer the friend I had known. And then believing you dead again, and so heroically, it was almost enough to redeem you. A reminder that somewhere in your heart, you were still the person I had adored."

"May I ask what you felt when Thor returned with me this time?"

"Confusion. But also relief. And as you told more of your story, I did not know what to think. Fandral and I spent a very long night talking things through. He was more forgiving than I."

"And yet here you are."

"Things have changed."

She appears uneasy confessing these things, so Loki pats the bed beside him, "Please, come sit."

"This is your bedroom."

"Yes. And my bed. And all I ask is that you come sit. We have never had expectations of anything else." It is the first time he has asked anyone but Jenna or Thor to enter this inner sanctuary in many many years.

She comes and perches on the edge of the bed, "Thank you."

"You are always welcome."

"How are you feeling?"

"In which respect?"

"Either."

"The arrow tore deep and struck bone. The shoulder is bound in place, and I am using enchantments to mask the worst of the pain. They say it will be a few weeks, possibly longer, before it fully mends. Unless, of course, I somehow sabotage my own healing as I did with my legs."

"And how are you feeling in the other meaning of the words?"

"Terrified, Sif. And deeply sad."

"I felt something today that I have not felt in years."

Loki reaches for her hand and brushes his fingers over hers before resting there, "Oh? And what was that?"

She does not want to put this into words, but she knows that she needs to tell someone; her words come soft, barely louder than a whisper, "The urge to cry."

"Sif, I...."

"I have not felt it since you cut my hair. Since we were children. And suddenly when I saw blood on the ground and could not see you, I wanted to scream for you, to sob, to pray to one of the village gods that you were alive. I realized later that Thor likely felt the same when he could not see Jenna."

"Oh...."

"I do not wish to feel that way ever again."

"Sif, I...I do not think you will, at least not related to me."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because no one else is going to know I am here in the palace, and no one is going to know I am of Jotunheim. It is too dangerous. Revealing myself is a threat to Jenna and I cannot be that. So I am going to seclude myself in this room and live a hermitted life. No more sparring, no more feasts. No walks in the gardens. No Midsummer's Eve. A gilded cage, but the only way I can keep her safe. It is over."

"No."

"What?"

"I cannot let you live like that."

"You cannot make me live any other way. Jenna is precious. A child who will some day rule this realm as a wise and powerful queen, much like her grandmother. And if her relationship with me puts her in harm's way, as it did today, I have failed her."

"Is Jenna the only person who matters in this? Not your own self? Not your brother?" She wants to add "not me?" but does not.

He struggles to find his answer, "I don't know. Yes, I suppose so. I am so sorry, Sif." He expects her to leave. The unasked question is fairly obvious.

"Rethink this." She stands and starts for the door, but stops. She returns to the bed and kisses his forehead, "Please, Loki. For the sake of those who would dearly miss you." And then she is gone.

He hears the door click shut and he sets his book on the night stand. He turns out the lamp and settles down on the pillow. His heart is heavy. Exhaustion, though, is stronger and he is soon fast asleep.