Freed From Desire

Part 4

Katie

I had untucked and tucked my shirt probably three times now. It usually helped, working as kind of a reset for my mind as well. But this time I just felt more on edge. Probably because it was our first actual training session with Nora on the pitch with us. Maybe because Caitlin had tried to talk to me three times today. Lia tried twice. 

Or maybe because of the topic some of the girls were currently discussing.

"I heard she used to be married to Jonas's sister," Beth said, catching my attention. I wasn't aware the word had got around. Maybe it was general knowledge and I was stupid to feel special that she'd told me. Or someone had simply looked her up and discovered that bit of information somehow.

"His sister? You mean Eva?" Viv pitched in. She wasn't usually one to gossip but I guess this topic was intriguing enough for even her. "Damn, that's horrible," she added once Beth nodded in response to the question. 

Jonas's sister had battled with cancer for quite some time and died shortly after Jonas joined Arsenal. Which meant that none of us were really able to be there to support him, simply offering kind words but not really close enough to him yet for anything else.

"Yeah, it must be awful becoming a widow before you're even thirty," Leah sighed, Alessia catching her attention mid-sentence with her crazy handwaving. It took us all a second to realize that she'd tried to get Leah to shut up since none other than Nora had just walked into the changing room. 

"It was, I give it a zero out of ten. Also, Jonas sent me here to tape up your knee, Leah," she said, walking towards the woman. If Nora was bothered by her being the topic of discussion, she surely didn't let it show.

"Oh god, I am so sorry. That was completely insensitive of me and I promise I-.." Leah started with her rambly apology, which Nora cut off with a shake of her head and a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"It's okay. People talk, I am aware of it and it doesn't bother me. Now does anyone have any questions for me or can we get to work?" Nora's eyes scanned the whole room and didn't show any sign of annoyance. She held that easy smile she always sported on her face. Leah looked like she wanted to die.

"I have one," I said in response and literally everyone turned to look at me. I was sort of the team clown so I guess people were awaiting for either something dumb and insensitive or for me to turn this into a joke, which honestly would've still been insensitive. But Nora's chill look didn't falter as she kneeled in front of Leah and nodded in my direction.

"Can I get some of that tape on my elbow? It's feeling tight," I shattered everyone's hopes of some drama and smirked when people rolled their eyes and returned to whatever they were doing before.

If I wasn't mistaken, Nora even chuckled a bit as she turned back towards Leah to get started on her knee. "For sure, McCabe."

___

I hadn't really thought this through. Everyone else left for the pitch and Leah of course joined them as soon as her knee was all set. Which left just me and Nora in the empty dressing room. We kept ending up in these situations and my betraying heart sped up from nerves every time it happened. Even if outwardly I tried to play it cool.

"I know Leah and she probably feels like ass. For what it's worth," I said, partly to fill the silence as Nora was busy cutting the tapes. But also just in case she was simply good at pretending and was actually offended by what she'd heard.

"Nice of you to look out for her, but really.. I've heard it all and it's been long enough that it doesn't sting the same anymore." Nora got done with the prep and stepped up to me, looking at me expectantly.

I raised my arm and she started to maneuver it as she needed to place the tapes.

"Does the pain ever fully go away though?" I asked, not really sure what had prompted that. Maybe I just wanted to keep talking to her. Could've picked a better topic than her dead wife, but beggars can't be choosers huh.

"Never," her reply was short and made me frown. But as she placed another tape down, going over the edges to make sure it was nice and snug, she finally looked me in the eyes, warmth reflecting back from them.

"She was the love of my life and losing her was cruel," Nora spoke quietly, focusing on the next tape she was putting on. "But the pain is different. I mourn different things every day so it's everlasting but more quiet. It doesn't consume my whole life anymore."

I'd forgotten to hold my arm up now, just staring at her as she spoke about things I couldn't even imagine going through. Of course any break up was hard, but losing a relationship and the person herself all at once seemed impossible to overcome.

"The other day I forgot how she took her coffee. Just for a second before I remembered. I hated myself for that split second," Nora said, a smile appearing on her lips that I knew by now not to be genuine. 

"What is it?" I asked, probably feeling as surprised as Nora looked at that. I honestly couldn't tell what prompted me to do or say the things I did around this woman. "Her coffee order," I said in clarification, just in case my question was unclear.

"Splash of milk, one sugar and one stevia," Nora said almost automatically, blinking a few times. The last tape was down and her hand was still on my arm, holding onto it, as if she'd forgotten it there. I didn't mind.

I couldn't help but laugh a bit at the bizarre combination and I guess that shook Nora out of her thoughts too as she smiled for real this time and dropped her hand.

"She thought too much sugar would be bad for her so it was a compromise."

Still weird, but a bit more logical now. "Splash of milk, sugar and stevia. I'll remember that for you. Just in case," I said, a smile appearing on my face too.

The look on Nora's face was unexplainable but somehow it made me feel like I'd done or said something right. And that was enough for me to smile even wider.