Freed From Desire

Part 12

Nora

By some miracle the soup turned out pretty good. Not to toot my own horn. But Katie seemed to enjoy it too.

The evening had calmed down a bit as we moved to the living room and decided quickly that sitting on the floor would be best cause well.. it was soup and my couch was white. I usually ate at the kitchen counter, but since the music was setting up the mood for something other than dinner, I'd offered to throw a random movie on the tv as we ate.

Conversation had been casual so far, mainly revolving around football and the upcoming game. I almost believed we could get through this impromptu dinner without discussing the obvious topic and the elephant in the room.

Almost.

"Why did you run out?" Katie asked quietly once there was a lull in conversation. She had already finished with her bowl and I was taking my last bites, spoon moving abruptly from my surprise at the change in topic and a piece of potato falling back into the bowl.

I scooped it up again and finished my bite before answering. "I walked."

Katie laughed at that but I could tell that I wasn't gonna get away with trying to avoid the topic. She just simply stared me down until I shrugged and pushed the bowl away from me, hoisting myself up to sit on the, much comfier, couch.

She followed suit and turned her body towards me, our knees touching. That small sensation was enough for me to lose track of my thoughts and I silently cursed myself for being like this.

"I just don't think sleeping over and cuddling goes hand-in-hand with casual sex," I shrugged eventually, looking at anywhere but her. 

"And that's what we're doing? Having sex.. casually?" she continued and now I couldn't help but look at her. Our eyes met and I saw something saw in them before she pointedly looked at the tv. I don't think either of us knew what the movie was about at this point, but she sure did pretend to be interested in it.

"I don't know," I simply said because well.. it was the truth. I had no clue what she wanted out of this. And I also had no clue why I'd invited her over for dinner. 

I looked at my hands, twisting my fingers around each other until I saw movement from the corner of my eyes. Katie, being great at surprising me as always, moved closer and lifted one leg over mine, effectively straddling me and sitting down on my lap.

Her proximity knocked the breath out of me and my traitorous hands instinctively moved to hold onto her waist, hers finding their spot around my neck. 

"What are you doing?" I asked quietly, my voice simply failing me with nerves shooting through my body.

But Katie just smiled as if nothing was wrong and this was an entirely casual way to finish a dinner between friends? Colleagues? "I've noticed that you're really bad at hiding what you're thinking when I'm this close," she said with a clever smirk.

"That's.. not fair," I protested, looking up and into her eyes before her lips pulled my focus in. I could just kiss her and we'd stop talking for the next.. couple of hours at the very least. But I needed to remind myself that getting mixed up in this situation more wasn't what either of us wanted. Right?

Or maybe I was alone in that cause Katie leaned closer, her weight shifting until we were chest to chest and her lips were just an inch from mine. "Let's try again. Why did you leave?" she whispered, her warm breath tingling on my skin.

"I got scared," I said, almost automatically, and closed my eyes while cursing in my thoughts. I really was bad at this huh.

"Scared of what?" Katie asked, her voice not revealing anything about her own thoughts. Which yes, was very unfair.

"We're not supposed to be doing this," I shook my head or at the very least, tried to. But at some point one of her hands had moved from behind my neck to gently grasping my jaw. Her thumb stroked my cheek softly and I held back a gasp.

"Forget what we're supposed to do. What do you want?" Katie asked and pulled away just enough for our eyes to meet. 

This time I was able to read everything from there and I knew as the answer slipped out that it was the one she was hoping and wishing for. "You."

And with that Katie finally stopped teasing me and pressed her lips to mine. My grasp around her waist tightened, trying to pull her as close as possible. Her lips parted and my tongue invaded her mouth as she sighed into me. And none of it could've possibly felt more right.

___

Katie's fingers tracing random patterns on my bare back was enough to lull me into something resembling sleep. Even the constant monologue in my brain had quieted down. My face was nuzzled into the small crook of her neck and even though strands of her hair were ticklish on my cheek, it was the comfiest I'd been in a while.

And that's why I hadn't moved yet. Not because it was turning into something less than casual. Even though she'd kissed me with so much softness and care right when I was coming down from an earth-shattering orgasm. And even though the way she held me in her arms as we laid sprawled out on my couch was not exactly screaming 'just sex'. 

"It's snowing," she said quietly and I opened my eyes, the window directly in my line of sight. That was all it took for reality to come crashing down and I pushed myself up from the comfortable position, coming to sit next to Katie, my back turned towards her.

"You can't exactly run now, we're in your house," she laughed softly. I felt the couch dip as she apparently sat up as well, her arms wrapping around my waist just like they had in the kitchen. Gosh, that felt like forever ago now. Well, considering how dark it was outside, it actually was a while ago.

I kept staring out the window, lost in thought, when Katie rested her chin on my shoulder, following my line of sight to the snowfall. It wasn't much. Never was in London. But enough for me to be immersed in painful memories.

"Talk to me," she spoke softly, as if not wanting to break the spell. But how could I? Easier said than done.

"I'm fine," I shrugged it off instead and looked down at the patterned throw blanket she'd pulled over us. Eva had bought that, I noted in my head and the painful irony hit me hard.

Katie seemed to understand that something was going on in my mind but instead of asking more about it, she just pulled me back to lay down with her. I settled back onto her chest and squeezed my eyes shut as tears threatened to escape.

The argument I had with myself in my head was long and Katie simply held me for a few silent minutes, until I finally decided that being upfront and honest would be the smartest thing to do here.

"It feels unfair to still love her," I said quietly. 

Katie, props to her, didn't even skip a beat. "Unfair to who?"

I frowned, the answer obvious in my head. To her. But I couldn't say that. "To anyone that comes after her."

"I don't think anyone expects or has the right to expect you to not love her. No matter how much time has passed," she spoke and I could sense the confusion in her voice.

"You'd be surprised," I chuckled, the sound forced and not truly genuine.

Katie was quiet at that for a bit before asking: "Have I made you feel like that?"

The sincerity in her voice made me raise my head, leaning on my elbow as I stared into her eyes. "No, of course not," I shook my head, willing my voice to be steady.

"Then where is this coming from?" Katie asked, her eyebrows coming together on her forehead. I stretched out my hand and smoothed a finger over the creases, her face relaxing under my touch.

"I don't know," the lie came easily, but I could tell immediately that she didn't believe me. But the truth was simply too much so I just laid back down in her waiting arms. And Katie, thankfully, didn't press me for any answers.