Freed From Desire

Part 16

Nora

This was it. Our last game was an away game and then we'd have a break for the holidays and even though mine had always been sad since losing Eva, I was very much looking forward to the break from work.

To say it had been awkward would be the understatement of the year. Instead of me and Katie going back to being friendly, we simply.. did not even look at each other. Not unless absolutely necessary for work. She was being professional about that at least and so was I and Jonas was none the wiser which really made me question the wits on that guy.

Meanwhile the whole team knew. Or at least the ones who paid attention to stuff like that. So.. most of them. They obviously didn't know the whole story or any details but it wasn't hard putting two and two together when me and Katie went from spending time together and joking around to.. whatever this was.

Beth and Leah especially had tried to get us in a room together to talk it out. Eventually they stopped.

Or so I thought.

I walked onto the bus, waving hello to some of the girls as I headed towards the back of it. Everyone had their preferred seats for the most part, with some girls enjoying solitude for reading or listening to music and others flocked around the tables to play card games and goof around. I was usually in the first group and Katie was in the second which worked out well for us.

But this time I hadn't even gone over the seats when all of a sudden Beth grabbed my bag from me with one hand, my arm with her other and started pulling me towards the very back area. There was a long seat that we called the bench and usually it was unoccupied as it just wasn't the most comfortable. But this time Viv and Katie were sat there.

Viv looked quite uncomfortable being there, probably having been roped into this intervention by her loving girlfriend. Katie looked about as happy as she usually did seeing me. And I stopped dead in my tracks, Beth being forced to pause with me.

"Come on now, she won't bite," she started pulling me along again and damnit, the woman was strong. "I mean, I don't know what you two did in the bedroom area and I'm not asking any questions either, but right now she won't," Beth added with a smirk and I groaned in frustration.

"Are you two actually for real?" Katie asked, looking at Viv and then Beth. The blonde looked very happy with herself, Viv on the other hand showed some remorse at least.

"I mean.. You do need to talk and you refuse to do it on your own terms. It's been weeks, Katie.." she tried in her quiet soothing tone.

"Yeah and this way you can't escape since we're taking off in a minute!" Beth chimed in. She put my bag on an empty seat and all but shoved me onto the bench seat next to Katie. Way too close to Katie.

I shot her a look and scooted over to the side to give us both some much needed space.

"This is so stupid," I murmured, shaking my head at the absolute ridiculousness of the situation. We were adults for crying out loud. We didn't need anyone to parent trap us into a conversation that clearly neither of us wanted to be having.

"Well you're being stupid so.. suck it up, buttercup!" Beth said in her matter-of-fact voice while Viv stifled a laugh, putting an arm around her girlfriend and guiding her away. To the safety of the front part of the bus. There were at least ten rows of seats between us and the others and it suddenly felt too intimate.

We were both quiet for a bit and I closed my eyes when the bus jerked into motion, focusing on the chatter coming from the team instead of my own messy thoughts.

But when Katie also didn't say anything and the air started to feel way too thick, I eventually shrugged and turned to look at her. "I already said everything I needed so I really don't know what the point of this is."

Katie was staring out the side window and scoffed in response before turning to stare me down, her face looking angry but eyes still mirroring the same sadness I had left there weeks ago. "Sure, because you're the one deciding how all of this goes, right? You say we spend the night together? We do it. You tell me you never want to see me again? Sure, that goes."

I looked away and took a deep breath in to stop myself from lashing out too. She was clearly still angry with me and even though what she said wasn't exactly true, arguing against it wouldn't really do much.

"Okay, so what do you want to say then? I'll listen," I offered instead. I couldn't look at her while she talked though so instead I stared down at the muddy scrape on my white shoe. I'll clean it later.

Katie obviously hadn't expected that so it took her a solid minute or two to talk again. But I didn't dare to break the silence either so I just looked around, avoiding the sneaky looks Beth kept throwing in our direction. I don't know if she thought I couldn't tell why she was leaning all the way out of her seat and looking in our direction or if she didn't care. But she didn't seem happy with the progress or lack thereof so she motioned something with her hands that I didn't understand anyway.

I simply shook my head, being brought out of my thoughts when Katie finally spoke up. "I just don't get it. Everything was fine.. great actually. At least I thought. We talked and I actually felt like.. I don't know. Like a fool I suppose."

"You're not a fool," I said quietly, unsure if she even heard me. I was pretty sure I knew what she had meant to say and that I felt the same. A glimmer of hope.

"Clearly I was since I managed to completely misread everything you were saying. I thought you meant that you were ready for.. ready to.." Katie was having trouble finding the right words or simply lacking the courage to come out with them and curiosity got the best of me as I turned to look at her again. 

Now she was the one staring down at her hands, twisting the ring around her finger. I blinked a few times when the unexpected pain hit me from seeing which way the heart was pointing. Even though I had no right to. Katie was single. But for some reason seeing it presented like that was.. not nice.

"I thought you wanted us to be more than just.. casual," she finally said with a sigh. If I knew anything about the stubborn Irish woman, it was that any sort of declaration of her rawest feelings was not easy for her. And a part of me wanted to grab her hand so badly. Or even more, pull her into my arms.

She looked sad and I hated myself for being the cause of it. But better the horrible end than endless horror, right?

I couldn't even say anything in my defense. Or to provide her with any semblance of comfort. I.. was ready. In theory. I would always love Eva but it's not like I was in love with a ghost. I had done the work on myself, gone through the stages of grief. Compared to how I felt the first time trying to move on, I did feel ready. For a relationship. Not for Katie.

And I had no clue how to say that without making her feel worse. Because it didn't even make sense in my own head. How was I supposed to tell her that it scared me to death to feel this much want and need towards a woman I'd known for such a short time? It was too much. I was too much, with my scarred heart and my over the top emotions. She didn't need any of that. Didn't deserve that.

"I don't know, Nora. I guess neither of us actually have that much to say to each other," katie mistook my silence for.. lack of caring it seemed. And I still couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and tell her all the ways in which she was wrong.

"Let's just try and.. act more normal. So we don't end up in another intervention. Okay?" she offered and stretched her hand out to me.

I blinked a few times before realizing she wanted me to.. shake it. That's what we had reverted to. Acquaintances. 

"Yeah, sure.. Okay," I finally realized I was expected to say something and took her hand in mine, biting the inside of my cheek at the contact and the feelings it sparked in me.

Katie seemed unbothered, simply shook it twice and let go, getting up from her seat and moving up to the front, where Beth was waiting for any updates, looking disappointed.

Just like I felt.