RAGE: Consume Me || BWWM

30

Rowan and Amira kept things simple for Christmas. He showered her with many gifts, unveiling presents he got months in advance, and Amira did the same. In the end, they both were happy with their gifts.

As they reflected over the past year, Amira noted how much Rowan had grown since they first started dating. Although he still had difficulties opening up, Rowan attempted to talk more and be more vulnerable. It wasn't until Eliza reappeared that things went downhill. Rowan's father was simply the icing on the cake.

Rowan realized he couldn't avoid all of his triggers all of the time, so he decided enough was enough. He couldn't keep letting his past dictate his future, so he agreed to try couples therapy.

Rowan and Amira's sessions started after the new year. Michelle, their therapist, formulated a plan based on their needs. She determined it would be best to let them have some sessions together and some apart. During their initial meeting, they spent most of their time establishing familiarity and setting concrete goals.

After that, they spent two sessions delving into the topic of Amira's miscarriage—upon her request. She had a few things to get off her chest, and Michelle played her part as the mediator. Amira spoke in depth about her insecurities, and Rowan gave his feedback. Then, they discussed their plans for the future and chose to focus on their relationship.

Amira didn't want to get pregnant any time soon, and Rowan agreed to wait until they both were ready. Until then, they decided to rely on condoms and the pull-out method. Amira knew she should've listened to Rowan when he expressed his concerns about her taking the pill. She definitely learned her lesson and vowed to be more careful this time. Thus, she didn't mind letting Rowan take charge until she figured out whether she wanted an IUD or an implant.

But anyway...

Rowan didn't think he would enjoy therapy as much, but he found it less daunting as time went on. He dreaded sharing his struggles with a stranger until he realized it wasn't as nerve-racking as he thought. On the contrary, it was nice to talk to a third party without worrying about expectations or attachments.

Amira had her first solo session today, which went as well as she expected. She and Rowan then went on a date to discuss it—which they agreed to do after every solo session.

"I cried a lot," Amira chuckled, placing her menu on the table. She already knew what she wanted to order. "But I'm not surprised since I'm a crybaby."

"What happened? What did you two talk about?" Rowan asked.

"Well, I started by telling Michelle I've been feeling stagnant. When I think about taking bigger steps in our relationship, like moving in together, sometimes I get this debilitating fear that keeps me from moving forward."

"Yes, you've told me this before," Rowan nodded.

"Right, and I told Michelle that I feel comfortable being stagnant—which isn't good. I noticed that my need to stay stagnant has only increased since my miscarriage, and I'm not sure why."

"What did she say in response?"

"She said overthinkers tend to have the hardest time making life-changing decisions. She asked me if I had some trauma holding me back, and at first, I said no until I thought about my dad—which I didn't realize qualified as trauma."

"Why not?" Rowan furrowed his brows.

"Because...I mean..." Amira huffed as she shook her head. "Yes, I lost him tragically. His death was very sudden and painful, but I know of people who have suffered worse. At least I got to cherish my dad while he was still alive. At least we had a great relationship—which is more than others can say. What kind of person would I be if I complained about the unfairness of his death when I should be thankful I even had him during the most important years of my life," Amira voiced, looking up at the ceiling. "Ugh, I said I wasn't going to cry again."