HeartLESS (Fransykes)

13. And I don't wanna be alone

CW: Characters struggling with all of the following: addiction, recovery, withdrawal, alcoholism, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, recovery programs, mental health issues, depression.

Josh's POV

Dan is glaring at me as I pace back and forth and it's starting to piss me off quite honestly. Trying to do this gig without a drink for the last three days was the worst fucking idea ever and I don't know how I coped. Well, truthfully I'm clearly not coping but Chris convinced me it'd be worth it. I was sweating and shaky throughout the whole show, the lights burned my eyes and the bass thundered through every nerve of my body.

Then I saw Oli and it was the last thing I needed to be honest. Not that I wasn't pleased to see him but I panicked and didn't want him to see me like this. The intrusive thoughts hounded me throughout the set and though we'd chosen some of our most powerful songs to try to impress the judges, it wasn't until I saw Oli that I realised how bad of an idea that was. I don't know why I reacted the way I did, I guess I was just scared.

And now, I'm pacing and trying not to rip out my hair or claw off my own skin. I take a long swig of my water and wish so badly it was vodka.

Weak, weak, weak.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and growl under my breath in frustration. Where the fuck is Chris? He's been gone fucking ages!

My head snaps up at the sound of the latch on the door and Chris finally comes back. He's avoiding my gaze and nods to Dan who glares at me a final time and leaves. I shuffle from one foot to the other anxiously as I wait for Chris to settle and as his eyes finally meet mine, I can already feel my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

"I'm sor-," he begins but I cut him off with a howl and collapse to the floor. In seconds he's by my side, cradling me as I sob.

I've fucking ruined everything and I don't know what to do to fix it. Oli was the best thing in my life and I've already lost it because of my own stupidity. I knew I shouldn't have gotten attached so soon.

My brain swims with all the memories we've made over the last week together: the way his smile lights up my entire life; his excited giggle when I won that dinosaur toy for him; his perfect curls and how soft his skin feels under my touch. Then it's shattered by the image of his eyes full of hurt before he walked out of the auditorium.

You did that. You broke him.

I sob louder to try to drown out the awful thoughts and clutch tightly onto Chris' shirt until I can't cry any more. My eyes are dry and sore, my head hurts and I just don't want to feel anymore. If I'm this broken, I can't imagine how Oli feels.

The door creaks open quietly and Matt peeks his head round, giving me a pitiful smile. Chris exchanges a silent conversation with him and helps me to my feet. I'm still so numb and I let him take some of my weight as I follow him out to his car. There's no point in us sticking around for the result. We all know I fucked it up for us and though the guilt weighs heavily on me, it's nothing compared to the emptiness in my chest.

Dan rode in with us on the way to the show, but he jumps back in with Max and Matt now and I'm thankful for that. I love all the guys so much but I can't take the pity from Dan. It just feels worse coming from him.

I've stayed with Chris for the last few days while he keeps an eye on me. I was pissed at first. I don't need a fucking babysitter. But right now, I'm grateful he's here for me. He helps me into bed in his spare room, taking off my shoes while I sit on the edge and stare through the floor. He says nothing, but leaves a glass of water on the bedside table and leaves me to it. Eventually, I lie down without getting changed and fall into a restless and fitful sleep.