HeartLESS (Fransykes)

17. I think I found it hard at first

CW: FEELINGS! Frustration and upset, angst and discussion of past relationship trauma linked to addiction and recovery. Also some spiciness to finish up with some good old M/M smut.

Josh's POV

I shoot Chris a look and toss my empty mug into the sink, shoving past him to grab my coat.

"Where are you going now?" He sighs frustratedly.

"Out," I reply simply.

Chris tries to tell me to stop but I've already slammed the door behind me and I ignore his shouts, pulling the faux fur of my hood up over my ears and turning up the volume in my headphones. It's not really that cold out but the seasons are beginning to change and the air is crisper than it has been recently.

I have no idea where I'm going, I just know I need to get away from Chris at the moment. He's my best mate but we had a massive row last night over Oli. He thinks I've rushed back into things with him and that I'm just using him as a crutch or a replacement for the booze. How fucking dare he think I would do something like that?! I'm fed up with people pissing on every shred of happiness that comes into my life.

I check my phone quickly. Oli hasn't messaged since last night but I'm not bothered. It suddenly occurs to me that I'm okay with that, realising I've been so clingy. The intrusive thoughts were always telling me how useless I was, but now they've dulled drastically, I don't need reassurance all the time. I pull out my notebook from my jacket pocket, jotting the thought down. That will definitely be useful to tell the doctor at my next appointment.

The last note I wrote makes me smile and squeal a little bit.

I love Oli. Oli loves me. I'm so happy!

I sigh and shove the paper back into my pocket as I glance around at my surroundings. I must have been wandering for way longer than I realised; I think I got into my head a bit and the walk has definitely made me feel better, even though I don't remember having walked through the city centre. I recognise the street I'm on though and smile a little to myself as I let my feet carry me down to the end of the street and along the path to the familiar front door.

I hesitate as I raise my hand to knock, but only briefly. Things are different now and I stand up taller knowing this fact and get ready to see the look of surprise on Oli's face as I knock.

But it's my face that's surprised when it's not Oli that answers, but a round-faced man I've not met before. I realise this must be Oli's housemate and I offer a hand to introduce myself.

"Hi mate, I'm Josh," I say, swallowing the ball of nerves that suddenly appears in my throat.

Mat looks at my hand, then back up to my face, but doesn't move.

"Yeah, I know who you are," he replies flatly and leans against the door frame with his arms folded. "Oli's still asleep though."

"Oh," I say quietly, withdrawing my hand and scratching at my neck awkwardly. "Well, I guess tell him I called round and I'll text him later?"

Mat doesn't say anything and just glares at me. I lower my face to the ground and wish it would swallow me whole as I slowly turn away to walk back up the path. Mat must really hate me!

"Josh, wait." I turn back to the house to see Mat still in the doorway but looking less tense. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Oli is asleep, but you can come in and wait for him to wake up if you like? It won't be too long now."

I tilt my head at him nervously, but nod and make my way awkwardly back up the path. Mat steps aside to let me past and closes the door behind me.

"Do you want a drink?" Mat asks and then fumbles a little. "Er, I mean a coffee! Or tea, or whatever-"