HeartLESS (Fransykes)

14. There's no sign of moving on

CW: Characters struggling with addiction, alcoholism, recovery and everything that goes with it, plus a lot of angst and fluffy feels. There's a scene with an AA meeting. I don't really know how these things work, but this is how my head imagines it to be and these boys need a safe space to work things out, so there it is.

Oli's POV

Patrick - my sponsor - greets me at the doors of the community centre where the meeting is being held. Mat gives me a pat on the shoulder and tells me he'll wait in the car for me and I walk in with Patrick. I'm shaking as I pour out everything to him over coffee, but he reassures me that everything I feel right now is valid. After around thirty minutes, the meeting begins and Patrick squeezes my hand as we take our seats in the circle. Frank welcomes me back along with a few others, but I choose not to speak this time. I'm still so emotional about everything, and I've been through it too many times in the last few days too.

I listen to Frank with his story about something positive that happened to him, making him reflect on his journey. A few others share their own little snaps of their lives and reflections and though they brighten my spirit a little, I can't help but still feel broken.

An hour later, Patrick pats me on the shoulder, reminding me to contact him whenever I need to and that three years really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. He gives me a leaflet reminding me of the steps and letting me know where a few new meeting places have popped up since the last time I attended. I'm grateful to him and promise to call if I need to vent or cry about anything.

Mat is still outside as promised and we drive home in silence. I shut myself in my room as soon as I get back and continue my same routine. I clutch onto my three-year coin and cry to myself as I hear the sound of Mat leaving to walk Luna. He returns less than an hour later and brings me some take out, but I still don't feel up to eating properly yet.

Eventually, I fall into another fitful sleep and I'm woken by Mat shaking me worriedly.

"Oli! Oli! You're okay, dude! You're safe, wake up!"

I sit up suddenly, gasping for breath and clutching at my throat as if trying to rid myself of something wrapped around my neck. I'm absolutely drenched with sweat, but I'm shaking and I can't focus on anything.

"Breathe, Oli," Mat speaks softly next to me, resting a hand on my shoulder and demonstrating slow breathing to me. I lock eyes with him and follow his instructions until I can see straight.

"That's it, feel better now?"

I blink a few times and run a hand through my hair.

"What happened?" I ask Mat.

"I think you were having a night terror again," Mat answers sympathetically. "Do you remember anything?"

I shake my head. I haven't had one in a very long time. Not since the very beginning of my recovery, but it's always been the same. I can never remember what happens. It's like I black out completely until I'm woken up.

I reach over to the dresser and grab my water, taking a long swig and letting the cold liquid refresh my dry mouth.

"I'm going to give Patrick another call," I inform Mat and he helpfully passes me my phone.

"Sure. I'll get some coffee on."

Mat leaves the room as I scroll through to Patrick's number. He answers quickly, but he knows that needing a meeting recently means I need him more too. We arrange to meet up at another meeting the following day and over the next few days, he listens to me cry more. I repeat myself a lot, but Patrick never judges me and always validates me.