merry christmas, meanie

Insomnia

Wonwoo has always had unimaginable trouble sleeping. Agreed, most people his age struggled with the universal monster known as insomnia, but for him it was almost hard to believe that he survived on thirty minutes of sleep nearly five days in a week.

Last night had been a blessing, when Wonwoo was so exhausted that he crashed the moment his body hit the bed. But it's an entirely different situation tonight - nothing surprising, but still disappointing. Walking to the bed on days he's tired to the bone comes forward as a pleasant present.

Exactly the reason Wonwoo tends to overwork himself way beyond what he can handle most days. He'd tried that before, but the next few days were never merciful. He'd be sore all over his body, hindering another attempt at overworking just for a peaceful night of sleep.

Lowkey having expected his insomnia demon to make a move today, Wonwoo lies motionless on his bed, his breathing so shallow yet rhythmic, that an observer might think he's dead. Except for the spontaneous shuffling of his arm to shove it under his head, or not resisting the urge to stroke Jieun's back.

Wonwoo has his glasses on, as he turns his head to the side to check the time plastered in painfully bright digits in the dark. It's three in the morning, a pretty normal hour for Wonwoo to be wide awake.

Mingyu fell asleep the moment Wonwoo saw him lay on his bed. Wonwoo catches a glimpse of Mingyu's calm, sleeping face when he pointlessly checks the time once again. He has envied Mingyu before for his ability to be a comfortably carefree, deep sleeper.

He thinks back to his overdue conversation with Mingyu a few nights ago. It was yet another reminder to Wonwoo of how grateful he is to have his best friend by his side through all of this mess. He wonders, shuddering at the thought, how he would've held up without Mingyu, especially after Jieun was dumped on his doorstep. Wonwoo has barely spent four complete years with her, and he already feels overwhelmed with the responsibility.

Just when that crosses his mind, Wonwoo hates himself for thinking that way. He sounds as if Jieun's an unnecessary burden he shouldn't have to deal with. But there are several days on which he has spent his lectures solely thinking about Jieun and what would happen to them both after university. And he doesn't have much time left; just a few months more and he'll be out of university just like that.

It's almost as if these four years passed by in a single snap of fingers. Time has flown way too fast for Wonwoo's liking, and it scares him. He's scared of what would happen to Jieun and him once he doesn't have the shelter of the rented apartment he shares with Mingyu at the moment, how he would manage doing something to sustain himself and Jieun after he graduates. The future looks bleak, harsh, and Wonwoo would rather sit through endless lectures, listening to drowsy professors go rambling on and on about making sentences in a book sound more artistic and poetic.

Wonwoo doesn't even have the heart to leave Jieun with his parents, who had been nothing but supportive since he'd let them know three years ago, until he gets his shit together. He messed up that night, so he has to be the one to own up to his responsibility, and not pass it to someone else to take care of.

He often wonders what Mingyu wants to do after university too. A tiny, selfish part of him wishes him and Mingyu don't have to part ways in a few months. They've never talked about this before, and Wonwoo doesn't want to. He feels, no, he's sure that he'd lose his drive to do anything without Mingyu. Without Mingyu, his high-pitched laughter and stupid jokes that instantly lift his mood despite being one of the worst Wonwoo's ever heard. Without Mingyu and his wannabe motivational, therapeutic little talks he gives Wonwoo at literally the most perfect timings.

Wonwoo wishes he could gradually let Mingyu see him breaking and losing his 'golden boy' facade as time goes on. He wishes it was that simple, though he highly doubts that that's slipped past Mingyu, because nothing usually does. He wants to let him in, but he's doubtful, and extremely dumb to think that way. Mingyu would never question anything Wonwoo did, he trusts him with his life. But for Wonwoo, it feels like a display of weakness.

After years of standing up for Mingyu, taking care of him whenever he was teased or feeling down, Wonwoo doesn't want the roles to reverse. He wants to be the caring older one of the two, albeit a difference of just a few months. Mingyu seems to have taken up that responsibility now, which makes Wonwoo feel extremely vulnerable and weak.

Wonwoo doesn't realise when tears, for the fifth time that day, roll down his cheeks. He wants a good night's sleep, and to wake up with a clear, unbothered mind that lets him go about his day peacefully. But he's simply incapable, and that too in many aspects. He can't be a good dad like his own dad had been, he can't be a good student, of course with the occasional slacking (but that's normal), and he can't be a good friend who is equally reliable as the other.

Wonwoo ends up silently drying his tears, spending the night feeling like shit yet again.