𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐭 ʲᵒʰⁿⁿⁱᵉ ᵍᵘⁱˡᵇᵉʳᵗ

🄻🄸🄺🄴 🅆🄴 🄽🄴🅅🄴🅁 🄼🄴🅃

HUGE TW!!-  self-harm, suicide, hospitals, abuse, and injury details! Don't worry if these subjects trigger you, I will make a small recap chapter after this( also if you're feeling like this, don't be afraid to reach out<3

I eventually decided to go back to my house.

I didn't know whether I wanted to confront my parents or just finally go and sleep in my room, in my bed.

I decided to wake up before Johnnie at 3 AM since he usually wakes up around 5 to meet his mom before she goes to work.

I pulled my hood up and left through his front door, he was quite a light sleeper so I decided to be as quiet as possible.

I made it to my house and my surprise the front door was unlocked, I could hear my parents in the kitchen so I tried to be as quiet as possible.

"We knew you'd come back eventually" I heard Maddie say menacingly, making me cringe, and walk into the kitchen.

"What is your problem? I did NOTHING to you and all you do is make my life hell! You don't even care!" I argued making their faces screw with anger.

I slowly reached my hand into my pocket and pressed the video setting on my phone, I'm going to need this.

"We didn't sign up for this to CARE about you! We wanted money! Money for travel! There was no contract saying we had to care!" Paul spat looking at me like I was a waste.

"Well guess what? I DON'T CARE EITHER! " I shouted and stormed upstairs. I grabbed everything, absolutely all of my things and shoved them into my pink tattered suitcase that I still had from when I was 5.

But then I stopped.

Why even bother? They don't need me, Maria and Jasper don't need me, Johnnie doesn't even like me the way I like him.

I'm so replaceable it's ridiculous.

Why do I deserve this life? Why do I deserve these people?

I'm just an ugly fat monster. I was pathetic for even thinking Johnnie would even bother with someone like me.

But then the thoughts came in.

What if I just relapse? What if I end the pain, end me? They don't need me in their lives, they'll move on and forget I ever existed.

I put down my suitcase and walked over to the bathroom, making sure to bring 4 pieces of paper and a pen with me.

I searched through our medicine cabinet before finding my old kit. My 'kit,' consisted of 4 sharp blades, bandages, and pills.

First I decided to write letters. They were to Maria, Jasper, Johnnie, and Becky who is my social worker.

I picked up the pen and my hands began to shake before I began writing, my handwriting was slightly messed up.

To My best friend Maria

I'm sorry, I still remember that promise we made in our pillow fort when we were 7 ' Til death do us part,' I promised to be with you til death. I guess I'm fulfilling it now.

I will always appreciate everything you have done for me, even though my bad times with the cutting and the depression it was always you.

I love you so fucking much don't forget it Ria, don't cry, don't get upset.

I want you and Jasper to carry on our little band, The Lovecats. It feels like yesterday we made that name.

I will love you always

Til death do us part.

___

By this time the tears were flowing down my face and wetting the paper, I'm scared of dying but this is the right thing. I'll just continue ruining their lives if I don't do this.

I wrote to Jasper next.

To my favourite big bro Jasper.

I guess this is it then big brother. Those years in group homes really taught me something valuable.

Sometimes friends are more like family.

And that was you and Maria, my siblings, my everything. I thank you every day for what you've done for me, I'll never forget.

Tell your parents I'm sorry. In sorry to everyone I've caused pain.

Love you Jassie

___

Next was Johnnie, this one was going to be the hardest, god I miss him already.

Johnnie.

I know when we first met I couldn't tell you whether I could love, I told you I couldn't love.

But Johnnie, I don't feel like that anymore because FAQse... I love you. Yes, I admitted it, don't feel bad because you don't feel the same way.

I know I love you but I wish I didn't. I wish I could go back to the day we met and leave you be.

And after all of this, it will be like we never met.

I will fade from your memory over time and I'll be gone.

Like we never met.

___

God, I  hate myself for what I'm going to do to him.

I picked up the pills and ran them under the faucet to make them easier to swallow, and then I dumped the whole bottle down my throat.

I swallowed harshly as I felt dizzy. With blurry vision, I hand found its way to a blade.

I dug it across both my arms and cried, this was my demise. I cried and I cried until I had a headache and small dots covered my vision.

Until it all went black...

A/N: Well, now you know what happened! A small TW for the next chapter is hospitals.

Stay safe chucklers! I love you all<3

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