To Ethan

Aubrey's voicemail

[4:51 A.M.]

Hi ... um... Aubrey.

I don't even blame you for not picking up. I... have been a prick, I guess.

I...

honestly, I don't even know why I'm ... doing this.

Now I'm here... talking to myself. Hah.

I don't even know whether you'll listen to this. But I've been talking myself out of this so many times and something keeps pulling me back to you even though it's ...

like...

the worst idea in the whole world.

...

But we always have the worst ideas, don't we?

...

I think it's just the fact that you're way more precious to me than I let myself believe.

Hmm.

I-I'm scared.

No, actually, I'm fucking terrified.

I fucked up so many times, in so many ways. You can't imagine how much of a failure I see myself as. And it doesn't go away because I know it starts and ends with myself and that's the complicated thing.

It's not just that I'm scared, it's... god, it's more like I can't rely on me. And neither can you. I don't know when I'll snap. I don't know when I'll hurt you without even...

Aubrey... I... huh.

I'm bad. And I don't know why you can't see it. I shouldn't have talked to you in the first place, I suppose. I don't know... everything just seems so... confusing. So broken. So out of place?

I wish I was someone else. Someone ... nice. Someone good. Someone who's strong. Someone who knows what they're doing.

Because, honestly, I don't know what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to do. I only see the worst sides to everything. So I see the worst side to love and it's probably the worst pain I could imagine.

In my head- it- it's like hell. I don't know why you want to be there for me like you do. I don't understand how you'd want to be with me. Don't you think it's just because you feel bad for me?

You know, I stopped caring about myself and others around me a long time ago.

So caring about you sounds like that warming but also absolutely horrifying idea because I can fuck up at any time and maybe even fuck up fore-