Never I Thought

Chapter 31 - Endings and Beginnings

Kei and I sat on the steps of my house, neither of us saying a word as we watched the rain sprinkle over the pavement, turning it a shade darker.

As much as I was ready to blow off this awkward silence to go have another awkward encounter about confessing feelings, I knew everything with Kei had to happen right now.

So I took a deep breath.

"I never wanted to hurt you," I swallowed.

"I know," came his soft yet strained answer.

"We were close. Every free period it was just you and me, you knew what to say to make me smile and we teased. You were just so beautiful... I thought, how could someone like you even be interested in me?" I said, everything in my mind spilling out.

Kei stayed quiet but his eyes glanced up, meeting mine. He was listening but I couldn't read anything else on his face.

I continued, "you're special to me. So special and one day you're going to meet someone that's going to love every part of you."

"You don't love me?"

A tear slipped down my cheek, "I wish I could."

He sniffed but even though his eyes were a little swollen and nose red, he was still the same perfectness that never left.

"I don't think I'll ever meet someone like you. You're so different, you put up this persona that you only care about grades but I felt like I was unlocking doors to all the different you's," he said quietly, "now, I'll never be able to know the real you."

"I really am sorry, Kei. I thought I was being myself around you and I thought I knew you the best. We're both still so young though, we still have hundreds of other people we'll meet in the future."

He shut his eyes and his shoulders sagged, "you already seem set on who'll be in your future."

My lips pressed together as a breeze ran through my clothes, "I didn't realise it until today."

"I should've known," he said, "I should've known when you stared at him, you've never stared at me like that. I should've known when I tried to be like him without realising."

I didn't respond but took a deep breath in. The scent of the rain soaking into the earthy ground filled my lungs, it was calming. I believe it was the reason our conversation was still so quiet.

"That's why we won't ever work," I whispered, "you tried to change so I'd like you more. Kei, you should never have to change, you make yourself unique. I'm sorry I took what makes you special away from you, just because I didn't understand my feelings."

"So this is it, huh?" He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, "I came here, wanting to see that beautiful face of yours and now this feels like a goodbye."

More tears were beginning to drip down my face, I wish we could've been standing in the rain to disguise them. So I could pretend I wasn't as sad as I felt.

"You know I'll always still care about you. What I did was wrong, kissing Robin, and it may or may not take you time to heal from. But afterwards, if you're still looking for a friend, I'm right here."

Kei closed his eyes. I wondered what was going through that mind of his, if he was realising he wasn't as ready as he thought he had been, or if he was coming to the point that there was no getting me back.

By the time he opened them, tears were streaming down both our faces. The rain was hitting the pavement harder and I wondered if the world was going to break.

"I think you're right. I think I need some time," his voice cracked.

"Take it all," I said and without thinking pulled him into a hug, grabbing his clothes in my fist as if he would disappear.