this is me trying

i got wasted like all my potential

"You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town. And I just wanted you to know that, this is me trying."

"What are you going to wear tonight? It might give me an idea for myself."

Alex stood in her closet, Kelley sitting on her bed with a sleeping Blue. She would have to yell to be heard.

"I was going to just let Christen dress me." Kelley answered. Alex imagined she was shrugging.

"Well, how is that supposed to help me?" Alex poked her head around the corner of her closet door to glare at Kelley playfully.

"Christen has two hands."

Alex fell back into her walk-in with a huff. Three months ago, when she got like this, she would just facetime Serenity and let her pick something out for her to wear.

But that was no longer an option. They weren't talking. Serenity hadn't contacted her, and she wouldn't be contacting Serenity.

She was in a weird place. The last three months had been great to let her think without Serenity's presence clouding her judgment. She could finally breathe, but in other ways, she still couldn't.

She couldn't breathe at times like this, where the overwhelming urge to just pick up the phone and ask Serenity to dress her took over.

She couldn't breathe when she rolled over in her bed, and the only other thing in it was Blue.

She couldn't breathe when she tried to make out with some unsuspecting person at a bar, and all she could think about was she'd be enjoying herself a lot more if they were Serenity.

She couldn't breathe everytime she fought the urge to drive to Serenity's, knock on her door and apologize for something she wasn't sure she should apologize for.

But Serenity told her to leave, so Alex did. And the one thing she vowed never to do was overstep a boundary like that.

So, she found solace in the times she could breathe.

She could breathe when she was out and she didn't have to fight the urge to look at a woman. Even if she knew they would never make it home.

She could breathe whenever she remembered that Kelsey and Serenity weren't a thing anymore. Even if it didn't matter with the whole not on speaking terms thing.

She could breathe when she was on the soccer pitch and she didn't have the weight of worlds on her shoulders because the woman who had changed it all wasn't staring down at her.

Though, she hadn't scored at all within those three months, so maybe it was better if she wasn't breathing in that aspect.

It had been three months.

It had been three months of Alex Morgan trying her damnedest to get Serenity Jackson out of her head.

And fuck. It was so difficult. Serenity must have been attached to her surgically.

She was close to giving up, and just letting that take it's course. If Serenity wanted her, she knew where to find her.

But that was no way to live, and call her pessimistic, but she didn't have much faith that Serenity would find her.

She was the dragon...with no kingdom to burn down.

Maybe she could find another kingdom. Whose gates weren't as fortified. Something a little easier to ram through.

She didn't want easy. But it would have to do.

"You're thinking about her again."

Alex flinched at Kelley's voice. She was a lot closer than she had been before Alex got sucked into her thoughts.