motive. [shadilver]

07.

SHADOW

Only a few times lately has my mind run blank, but it was usually just me trying to remember something. Not it caused by another person. To be honest, I kept mentally kicking myself over and over again every extra second I stayed in his vicinity, every little thing that I did that I didn't need to. I started to feel like I was sweetening him up or something, and I really didn't want it to come off that way.

I just— I don't know what I am doing! I am obviously confused because my body feels so uncomfortable right now. And whenever I did things for him, it was like I was zoning out, completely unaware that I had until it was over. What does that mean? What could that possibly indicate?

I felt my voice croak, and I had to move my eyes. They flickered around his face before I looked out at the handful of cars in the parking lot. I... don't know how to respond.

"Well, I am not doing this for good karma, I... I don't know why I'm doing it. But I am considering your comfort, so maybe that's my motive."

While that's true, I still felt confused myself. I never cared about other people, especially if I made them uncomfortable or not. And trying to comfort someone... never in my wildest dreams. But here I was, trying to accommodate someone that only gave me a drink yesterday. Isn't that so uncanny? I've seen him twice outside of his work. It's too often. I don't think we have the same minds, so it's not like we have the same plans.

I looked back at him, noticing that his face had shifted into one that displayed vague discomfort and awkwardness. Oh no, did I make him uncomfortable with what I said? I didn't know how to lie or sugar-coat it. Why... why is this bothering me so much? I don't care if he sees me in a good way, it shouldn't matter.

"I'm... sorry. If I am coming off as overwhelming or creepy, I understand... even though that's not my intention at all."

It took me a second to sort of debunk how he might see me. He just expressed quite generous gratitude for the very little I have done. He does appreciate it, so it must mean something to him, positively. But I was watching his expression so carefully, wanting it to morph into something easier to look at. Though, he shook his head, his eyes looking down now.

"No, no— I mean, it's a little strange, but I am not afraid of you. It's very kind of you to think that way."

He crossed his wrists together before meeting my eyes again, which was surprisingly a relief. To hear those words come out of his mouth... I am not afraid of you, it flowed through me so differently. It was a compliment, I knew it was. And yet, it just made me feel weird and numb. It's not running through my chest like it should. I felt guilty about that.

"What is your name, stranger? I'm Silver. Don't know if you have already read my nametag or not..."

"No, I hadn't. It's Shadow. It's... nice to know your name."

My guilt was being suffocated with a feeling that made me want to cough. I felt my body tense up slightly, but I could tell that I was... happy. Was this exciting to me? Oh, god, make it stop. I'm starting to get nauseous.

"It is. Thank you again, I'll see... you...?"

He was starting to step away, bringing my focus back solely onto him. His hesitation was suggesting something. A commitment that I would have to start. But is that something I really want to do? Fuck, just judging by how I felt when he told me his name, I am definitely going to be fighting this with a cold glass of whiskey later.

"I don't know, don't get your hopes up."

It looked like I had a glowing moth in my hand and I just crushed it within my palm. I had never seen a light in someone's aura die so quickly. But maybe it's for the best. I really don't know what I am going to do with him. I can't keep doing this strange and abnormal behavior. It's discomforting, and I have my own little bubble that he shouldn't be a part of. However, he still managed to make me feel guilty about my words, even though I can't take them back.

"Okay, bye."

I only watched him for a few seconds before I headed to my car. Right when I got in, closing the door behind me and putting my own bits of groceries on my passenger's seat, I got an extreme wave of anger flush through me. I am feeling everything horrible right now, and it's all because of him. I'm being tortured, it feels like.

But my anger... I think it's coming from how much I care about his responses and how he thinks of me. And how I was truly considering seeing him again, whether it was getting some coffee or... something casual like this. I am so mad at myself that I am allowing guilt, worry, and compassion to filter through me like this, when it had never before.

He's not special, he actually seems pretty pathetic. I don't know him, nobody around me knows him, so... what's the deal? What is wrong with me?

That question was all that I could repeat in my head while driving home.

What is wrong with me.