motive. [shadilver]

08.

SILVER

I am not really spiritual, but I think about what people talk about when it comes to fate and the universe doing things on purpose. I am probably thinking about this too much, but nothing has happened in my life like this. People don't talk to me unless it's to slave me around at my job. I am not sure about talking about this to Blaze, or any of my other friends, I don't think they would treat my thoughts well. Even I am not treating my thoughts well.

It shouldn't matter anymore, because I got to do what I wanted to do. I was able to say thank you for his anonymous and unnecessary help and consideration for me. It's obvious that that's not really... normal. And with that thought, I suddenly stopped thinking and daydreaming, looking up at my surroundings.

I am in my kitchen, and that's all that I can see. But looking around kind of helped me with my haste self-awareness. In the beginning, I really thought it was something nice, but now I wish that I could take back what I said about being afraid of him. I don't even know why I said that, I just didn't want him to be uncomfortable. I could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice.

It's such a horrible habit. I kiss people's feet at any given second because I never want to see that face of discomfort toward me. It puts me into an anxiety attack. But it also makes me say things that I really should be thinking twice about. What if he truly is trying to hurt me? Randomly being nice to me to earn my trust, and then finding the perfect time to cut up and dispose of my body in a dumpster in an alleyway.

Just thinking about it was making my heart rate increase, and now I don't want to go to work. That is the public, somewhere that he knows about. He knows I work there, and could come into contact with me at any time. This sounds dramatic... but I am going to grab something to protect me. I don't have weapons, but anything can be a weapon if I get scared enough. The best thing that I could find was a small peeling knife.

It didn't have a cover or anything, so I took one of my dish towels and wrapped it around the blade. The last thing I need is to reach into my bag and get sliced and have it be completely my fault. Besides, I don't want it to ruin my bag up, either. This is probably so stupid, but a lot of people carry around knives, don't they? So, it's fine.

Maybe today, there will be a lot of traffic or something, or he will completely forget about me. I can only hope because I don't want to feel this anxiety anymore. He's nice, but I think it's the wrong kind.

(it's embarrassing on how short this is.)