motive. [shadilver]

11.

SHADOW

I went into work today, mainly because I do have meetings to attend and I would like to be in my space every now and then. It was very nice and freeing to be able to be wherever I wanted, but being back in my office gave me some sort of comfort that wouldn't be able to be replaced by anything.

It's a little ironic that my office gave me any type of comfort, especially since this job isn't my favorite and I always dread looking at that computer. I will admit, that looking at a monitor was a lot better than my laptop, and the quietness of a dark room and a closed door made the day a lot more tolerable. When I am working, since I can autopilot so easily due to my muscle memory, my mind wanders, a lot. It never was anything in particular, usually things that I have been worrying about that I need to take care of when I get home, but now my mind was filled with other things.

I still don't know what to do with Silver, but I think it's a little weird to stop investing in someone when they ask for your name. That means that he is interested, too, right? But I have been thinking – how would this benefit me? I never begged or felt that I needed friends, or, more friends, for that matter. My life is fine in my eyes, it could be a little better, but he couldn't fix or make anything improve.

One side of me tells me that it wouldn't hurt to have him in my life, but the other side of me isn't too fond of a change. I remember having a talk with a few friends about a similar topic. Making new friends. It takes a lot of effort and time, and that would put me out of my comfort zone. It sounds awful, but I just don't have the energy to invest in him as much as I would need to promote a healthy friendship.

And there is no point in becoming friends with someone if it's not going to be healthy. That would be wasting both of our time, and it might hurt him in the end. That wouldn't be fair to him. God, I really regret helping him out in the convenience store. Why couldn't I have left it alone?

I don't regret it, but I don't know what else to tell myself.

My computer dinged, making me blink. I was trying to press tab into a text slot that doesn't even exist. Oh, I had finished the last of what I needed to do. I looked down at the time that my monitor was displaying, and it was seven. Seven? That's late... Was I really that distracted? That's a little embarrassing, but my things have been taken care of, so it doesn't matter.

I rubbed my face before logging out of everything and shutting down my computer, looking for my jacket. Usually, at this time, I would have a coffee cup to throw away, but I forgot to even go there today. These changes are messing me up, I swear. I wonder if that is why I couldn't concentrate, and why I took longer because I didn't have a stimulant in my bloodstream.

I didn't have to worry about turning off my lights since they were always off, and I opened my door and left my office. However, unfortunately, I got stopped. One of the assistant managers asked me before I left to send out an email to everyone stating not to abuse the remote work hours. That's amusing, but why me? Isn't that... their job? Or even the CEO? This is so ridiculous. I bet it is only because I am the only one here and near a computer. But for something unserious, I could easily just write it on my phone, so that's what I am going to do.

I could tell that she wasn't following my line of thought because when I nodded and told her that I would, and walked away from my office, she looked puzzled. I don't think an email would work; we have a communications app that everyone is a part of. Emails are more professional, I get that, but I know for a fact that not everyone looks at their email. So, as I was walking, I just opened the app, gave a few sentences, a fake ass thanks at the end, and called it a day.

I don't know what they mean by abusing the remote hours when they never put a limit on it to begin with. Are they upset that nobody is in the office anymore? That nobody is eating the stale organic and gluten-free snacks in the break room? I'm sure it says a lot about the company if nobody wants to be around it. They are embarrassed that they aren't welcoming, and so they want to make themselves look better by locking us up again. I wonder how many people will quit, or do part-time hours because of this.

I am lucky that I don't mind, so I am not putting up much of a fight. I don't have a reason to not be here, nothing takes up my time. However, I just hope that because I don't care they aren't making me some example. Because there are people here that have lives, and would rather be with their people instead of here. I am just some sore loser workaholic and I am very aware of it. Work is my foundation that has unwillingly formed over the years.

Hm, because it is so late, the café still wouldn't be open. I can't stop thinking about that meal that he gave me... I don't know, it just was a really nice way to end my day. I don't feel the greatest right now, and just that tea that he had would be nice. But I have lost my chance... that's fine. I am sure that I have tea at home. I'll be happier when I am home.

I did a lot better focusing when I was driving, probably because when it gets later, a lot of the drivers are absolute lunatics. I had to concentrate to make sure some idiot wouldn't ram into me. But focusing on something else instead of being alone in my thoughts was pretty nice, and was needed, so all I could be was thankful for it.

When I got home, I took my jacket off and went straight to my kitchen. I looked into my drawer where I keep my tea and other similar items, just to realize how long I have opened this up. The smell of differing teas lifted up into the air, and it was a little comforting. The last time I had tea I think was when I was sick, and couldn't keep much down. Leaf-stained water was the only way I could hydrate myself, allowing me to get a little better.

Hell, that was a long time ago, about two years. So, I haven't had tea in two years? These are probably expired then. I had peppermint, chamomile, and Earl Grey. Flipping the boxes over, yes, they were all barely expired. I hope it's still okay to consume because this news damned my mood a little bit. I decided to make a simple London fog while making a simple dinner.

This was better than going to the convenience store for dinner, I could tell the difference in freshness and such. I need to take better care of myself.