Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 4

"I can't be your hero, Freya." I finally say, hoping we can move past this.

I'm fumbling for words, trying to keep our conversation alive. I am curious, what is it that everyone is so in love with? She's got the largest, strongest familia, yet I'm having such a hard time understanding what they all love so much about her?

I'm making my strongest attempt yet to give her a chance, knowing it's my life on the line in tomorrow's battle if I upset her any more than I already have. I ask her a few more questions, but I feel like her answers are all carefully crafted. She knows more about me than I wish she did.

I feel as if I'm slowly being poisoned. Her fangs were so easy to deflect in the beginning, what happened? I'm having a rough time keeping up my defensives.

"What is it Freya?" I finally blurted out, unable to hold back any longer. "What is it about me that you are so in love with?" A fire is ignited in my ruby eyes, waiting for her answer. I didn't intend on putting her on the spot like this, but I'm growing impatient.

As if I asked the right question after all this time, she simply smiled and leaned so close to my face I could feel it turn bright red.

"Love doesn't need a reason, does it Bell?"

She leaned in like she was going to kiss me, and I sat there frozen. Instead, she simply kissed my cheek and leaned back. Why do I feel so conflicted? If she were to kiss me, I wouldn't have refused. What's wrong with me? Am I losing touch?

Would it really be so bad to love Freya?

But I must remind myself that there is nothing in this for me. To love Freya would be to disregard my own heart, to give in to her comfort and leave my world behind.

Then why am I slowly starting to give in to the idea? Would they miss me? No, they wouldn't.

They don't even remember me.

I'm losing all faith in myself, but she's got enough for the both of us.

I'm an echo of who I used to be, silenced by your shadows.

Can anyone hear me?

I've never been one for affection, so why is your creeping embrace starting to feel normal, almost comforting?

I hate this feeling.

I'm slipping away faster than I can beg for help. When did her hands stop looking like claws? I've been looking the other way, fighting to keep my mind at bay. But they look so soft, what would be so bad about holding your hand?

I almost reach out to put my hand on top of hers, when I hold myself back. What the fuck is wrong with me? This is all wrong.

I clear my throat and nod, keeping my gaze glued to the ground. She's clever, answering my question with another question.

"My love knows no bounds." she says as she laces our fingers together.

I wanted this, didn't I? To feel her fingers wrapped around my own. So why does it feel so wrong? Like I'm disappointing someone, my heart feels like it's burning. I'm denying my feelings towards Freya, hoping that someone will come to save me. But I'm alone, and no one can hear me.

I've got to get out of here before I fall under her spell.

I try to choke out words but I'm failing, miserably. I've never felt anything like this before, a mixture of lust and hatred. It would be so easy to love Freya, so why do I feel as if I need to run away as fast as I can until my legs give out?

I coughed and snuck my hand away from hers to cover my mouth. I'm as lame as it gets, and for some reason it worked.

"That's enough for tonight. Sleep well, Bell." She says, and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest. I don't know how long I held my breath, but when I stand, I feel lightheaded, losing my balance for a second.

"Bell? Maybe you should stay here tonight?" She makes an advance, and I don't think I've ever felt all the blood rush back to my head so quickly. Her hand somehow found mine, and I'm holding hers as if I wanted to.

"That won't be necessary, Freya."

Since she is letting me escape her grasp, I lean down and kiss her hand before letting go. She brings it to her face to cover a smile, a sign that I've done well.

Once I'm finally back to my safe heaven, I let my back slide down the closed door. With my head in my hands, I feel hot tears escaping my eyes. Is this what it feels like to let go? I feel so much, and so little at the same time.

The heat radiating off my cheeks reminds me of her flame. Hestia, I need you to rescue me. I wish I could yell at the top of my lungs, as my heart feels like it's being torn in two. But I can't let her hear me. I've got to play along, or I'll never have the chance of being saved. 

Even though I'm completely exhausted, I can't find peace. I've been lying in bed for what feels like hours, and the comfortable nothingness won't take hold.

After a few pathetic attempts to sleep, I decided the best way to escape my thoughts is to run.

I'm on the run, from myself. From you, and the painful reminder that there is nothing I can do to gain back what I've lost.

I slipped out of the front gates and started running as fast as I could. I had no destination in mind, and I didn't care if I ran until I passed out.

I wasn't so lucky.

As the sun rose above your chambers, I dragged myself on the battlefield from the front gates.

I could feel it, my flame was dying. Even after running all night, the feeling never disappeared. Maybe Hedin would put me out of my misery.