Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 19

I don't know how long I stood in front of the fountain for.

I should be happy right now; my heart should be skipping a beat. Unfortunately, I feel like my head is split into two. On one hand, I'm giddy, overflowing with happiness that Aiz shares the same feelings for me. On the other hand, I'm confused, and lost inside, swimming against the currents.

Love should be a fleeting feeling.

Then why do I feel so dead inside? Ah, Freya.

Even if the feelings are mutual, I still feel so torn. I want to be happy; I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing. Then why does this feel so wrong?

Do I deserve to be happy, like this? Am I fated for a life, as a lonely adventurer?

Of course, I want to forget everything that happened with Freya. But I'm having a hard time compartmentalizing the mental games she played with me. No, forced me to endure.

Scars still remain.

I just need time, and that's why I wish Welf wouldn't have taken the opportunity to force us to spend time together. However, I am really thankful he did. Now I know that she isn't going to feel how I felt.

"Bell! How did it go?" Welf greeted me as I tried to sneak past the parlor.

I sighed in response, halfway wanting to just sulk in my room alone. That's right, there was something I wanted to talk to him about. "I'm feeling pretty exhausted. But there is something I wanted to ask you."

Welf closed the door behind him, joining me in the hall. "What's up?"

I shoved him lightly, before letting out a quiet laugh. "That's for leaving me alone with her."

Welf rubbed the back of his head that had hit the parlor door. "I definitely deserved that."

"Come on, let's go up to the terrace."

Incase Welf asked how it went, I didn't want to share the details in earshot of the entire familia in the common room. Not that I was embarrassed, I just didn't have the energy to be social at the moment.

Once on the balcony of my room, I took the greatsword off my back and held it out for Welf to see.

"What's it called?" I asked, admiring his craft before putting it away to join him in the outside air.

Welf smiled, bringing a hand to his chin. "Ah, we forgot to give it a name, didn't we?"

I went back inside and took my armor off, putting it away as Welf was deep in thought. After a few minutes I returned to the balcony.

"Kusabimaru."

"Kusabimaru? What does it mean?" I asked, leaning against the railing. The wind picked up, blowing the hair off my forehead. It was comforting, like a comforting night summer breeze.

"It means ties that are precious, or a bond." Welf smiled, turning around on the railing to lean against his forearms. "I'm really sorry Bell, for everything."

Realizing that he was still caught up in the destruction Freya caused, I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "None of that matters now. I'm really glad to be home."

Ah, that's right. I've never really talked to them about what exactly happened while I was away.

"How did it go? With the sword princess?" Welf asked, a sparkle in his eye.

I felt my heart sink as the moonlight illuminated us both.

"I... I'm a little conflicted."

"Conflicted? About what?"

I let myself slump with my back against the railing. Maybe it would help relieve some of the pressure I felt. Or it would just tear the wound that seemed to be healing, right back open.

"I know I haven't shared much of what happened at Freya's mansion, and I'm sorry. Truly, I have been trying to put it at the back of my mind." I put my hand on my temples, trying to calm the headache that seemed to arise.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Just know, my door is always open if you do."

"Unrequited is painful, isn't it?" I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees. "Freya was in love with me." I admitted, sinking as the memories surfaced. "That's what I was most afraid of, with Aiz. I didn't want it to be one-sided. After today, I know it isn't."

The wind was soothing, like a warm caress in an empty bed. "Can you imagine how that felt? Having someone that anyone would immediately fall in love with, confess to you? And you not feel the same way? Then be forced to to forget everyone you knew and loved, because they didn't remember you?" I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I fought them, trying to stay strong. I needed to tell him more, and the more I told him, the better it felt to stop carrying the burden by myself.

"I should have felt enamored, but I didn't. I felt sick to my stomach every damn day. Dying on the battlefield would have felt better than being forced to be in a room with that woman. She made me resent love, and everything involved in it. But I have to hope, that true love would feel different." I paused, feeling my hands start to tremble.

Welf took a seat next to me, realizing I had more to say.

"I'm conflicted, because I'm not sure how to act around Aiz. I was so happy to hear she felt the same way, but I froze. When she tried to reach for my hand, I flinched. Something happened since being at Freya's mansion. No, not like a charm or a curse. I'm having a really rough time with physical contact, and I... I guess I'm scared to get close to Aiz, because I haven't let go of what Freya did."

I sighed, feeling a little better after telling him how I really felt.

"That... bitch." Welf finally said after our silence faded. "The most hated, but not dead huh? Is that I worse punishment than death? I would kill her if I had the chance, send her back to the heavens! I'm so sorry, Bell. I had no idea." Welf reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, but stopped, remembering what I had said. He instead put his hand over his face letting out a deep sigh.

"No boy your age should have to go through this."

I managed a painful smile as my head fell back against the railing. "I just want to stop second guessing everything. I want to let go and forget everything that happened, but that would be to live in delusion. She said something very interesting to me one night, and I would be lying if I said it didn't haunt me."

I looked up to the moon, remembering the night in the field of red spider lilies. That is a night I really wish I could forget.

"She said you can't truly become a hero unless you've lost something you love. If that's the case, I don't want to be a hero. I don't want to lose you guys again."