Perfect Dark | Danmachi

Chapter 7

How long has it been?

I've lost all track of time, how long have I been here? All I know is morning and night. The sun and the moon.

Things have slowly begun to get better for me. The familia seems more accepting to my face anyway. I no longer feel so out of place at dinner, and the cold stares have somewhat stopped.

The ice still hasn't shattered.

I might be swimming against the tide, but I no longer feel as if I'm drowning. Day turns to night, night turns to day and I'm still standing. It would be too easy to give up.

But I've definitely given in.

After training with Ottar he comes over to me as I'm sheathing my daggers. We never really exchange a lot of words, but today is different. He is a man made of stone and silence, with unmatched strength and unwavering loyalty.

He looks me in the eyes and extends his hand. I'm dumbfounded, staring at his hand stuck between my thoughts and shock. I shake his hand, feeling slightly overwhelmed at the gesture.

"You've grown a lot in a short amount of time." He retracts his hand and picks up his weapons from the ground. "I'm proud of you."

I can't help myself from smiling. I know it may be stupid, and frankly I'm dining with the enemy... but Ottar is a force. Though his intentions are pure, his goddess is wicked. Therefore, that makes him wicked, right?

Wrong.

I've been proven wrong on so many fronts lately.

The children of this familia really are one of a kind. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't belong here. More so, I don't want to belong here. No amount of flattery will change my mind.

A soft piano medley is playing as I enter the room. She's sipping tea and swaying in the moonlight, looking out at the stars. If it were Aiz instead, would my heart be beating out of my chest? It's been too long Aiz, I hope you are well.

Ah, the familiar tinge of pain. I've done well so far, only allowing myself to feel the heartache from being forgotten when I visit the tree of memories. I let it all out when I'm there. I yell, scream and cry until my eyes are swollen. Then I return to my home, hollow and free of emotion.

I've had to start compartmentalizing my feelings, so that I can keep going. I haven't given up yet, and I'm proud of myself for that.

I've never really experienced a perfect dark until now.

I've denied the darkness from taking over, although it has taken hold.

She reaches out for my hand, and I hate that this has become a regular thing. I hate myself for looking forward to the warmth she provides, but I accept it with a smile. I feel her tug for me to join her, and I can't deny that I want to.

What used to make me feel so uncomfortable, now feels so normal. She looks into my hollow eyes, and I can see the passion in hers. The goddess of love, a very dark love.

I'm sitting so close that I can feel her warmth, and I want to reach out and touch her skin. It looks so soft, so inviting, but I can't. I'm screaming inside, but I must hold onto my resolve. I wonder how tiring it is for her to accept my hollow love.

I get the idea that Freya has never been rejected before. After everything I've seen so far, she's never felt the pain of being turned away, or turned down. I feel so bad being the first, and I hate making her feel so terrible. It's not you, it's me, Freya.

She still hasn't said anything, and I've been here for almost thirty minutes. I wouldn't call it a comfortable silence, but I am slightly curious of what's going on in her mind. Even though I resent her, she's the closest thing I have to a friend here.

She leans down and rests her head on my shoulder. I look down at her silvery hair, and for a moment I can't help myself. I wrap my arm around her and press my cheek to her hair. It feels just as soft as it looks against my skin, and I know I've crossed a line. I didn't mean to, but I wanted to. I can feel her breathing, and it calms me.

The piano still playing in the background, she whispers against my chest. "Do you love me, Bell?"

Why? Why now? I'm conflicted, I want to lie for the sake of getting to enjoy this feeling awhile longer. But I can't, and I won't.

"I'm sorry Freya."

She nods against my chest but doesn't move. I know I've hurt her; she doesn't deserve this. Instead of letting me go, she endures the weight of my words. I am a lot of things, but I'm not a liar.

The world feels like it's standing still. I'm scared of her wrath, but I can't lie to myself. This would be so much easier if I could. If I could just let go and accept her love. I'm rubbing circles of pity into her shoulder to try to lessen the blow.

I'm vulnerable and she knows it. Taking advantage of my distress, she looks up at me with eyes full of pain. Every inch of resolve is melting away and I can't look away. She moves closer, but I don't flinch away like normal. Her mouth is inches away from mine, her breath is caressing my top lip and I'm paralyzed.

She kisses me until I feel like I can't breathe. My eyes are full of terror, anxiety and fear but I kiss her back. I've never kissed anyone before, but I can't deny that it felt good. I lost control for a second, and the regret is really starting to sink in.

I'm traumatized, fighting the urge to kiss her again. I must escape her grasp and clear my head. Peeling myself away from her I leave the room without a word and make my way to the front gates. The moon is high and full, what a great night for a run.