Sanity to my Insanity

Chapter-17

Hello guys!! I am really sorry for skipping update days but have been so sleepy due to all the meds. It felt like I was dragging myself through the day to sleep for 15 hours after the day got over.

Happy reading, cupids!!

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Dylan

It’s been a month since my confession and I have been happy.

Well, it’s not exactly a lie but not the whole truth too.

There are moments when I am just myself without any baggage but at times it’s hard to comprehend my thoughts.

Sometimes I want to be the best of bestfriend for him but sometimes I want him to be more.

I wonder what it would be like if he felt the same way for me.

I didn’t exactly thought-it through. Don’t know what I felt. Don’t know what I would have done if he reciprocated my feelings. Don’t know if we would have been in a relationship or just two friends with mutual feelings.

Would we be a good couple, the kind that makes a smile appear on everyone’s face or a toxic one that would be a reason of distress.

Or how long we would be together. Would it be forever or a few months before it ends.

I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s too grainy. Don’t know what I was doing confessing my feelings but I hoped he would help me sort them out.

It was like he understood my confusing feelings when I was unable to put them rightly in words. He understood the depth of it or the lack there of decisions in it.

Sometimes I curse myself for putting my heart out like that, for the vulnerability and the hurt.

Sometimes I couldn’t feel more alive and free.

I kept questioning myself until I realized there is no guideline of how to love and whom to love. No measure of what is enough and what is craziness.

No definition for what to expect from him. No clear script for what should be your next step.

So, I trusted him to find a pace for us in whichever way we decide to stir towards and face the waters together.

Although I did fear if we would be together in this journey or we would grow apart but somewhere I knew it was worth the leap of faith.

There are times when I feel lost. Vulnerable. Misunderstood. Judged. Pitied.

Most of all broken.

I feel like I am pretending to be happy when I am far from it but at times I am happy just being there.

Sometimes I crave more. What more, I don’t know. Never experienced. Tangled in the how nice it would have been if…

Sometimes I try to be normal with him. Do the usual stuff. Not hanging at his every word. Not looking at him with rose colored lenses. Hiding my affection for him from my friend’s eyes.

Although the truth is I failed miserably at it.

They knew loud and clear that I am in love with my bestfriend.

At first, I was pitied by my friends for getting turned down. They tried to lift my spirits. Pene did apologize to me for her slip up although I don’t hold it against her.

Everyone tried to give me their shoulders to cry on, bitch about Arden if it makes me feel better (which it didn’t. Hearing them curse him for something he is not responsible for made me mad at them).

Being subjected to too many speeches like try to move on from him, he didn’t deserve you, it was just a crush, don’t hurt yourself like this, we see how you smile at him when no one is looking and seems like you keep falling for him, you seem jealous and the worst one being grow out of it already.

These words coming from your friends hurts the most.

You don’t need them telling you to stop feeling things but for them to be there when you are feeling those things.

I don’t want them judging my every action on the basis of my love for Arden but I need them to be my escape zone and just hear me out without any judgement.

Nate and Sam has gotten too protective of me just like my brothers and to stop me from hurting they want me to pull away from Arden.

They don’t understand how miserable I ended up being when I did that.

They think they see me but somewhere they are too busy fusing about everything to really see me.

The me which wants to feel freely even if it is brokenness, in the hope that I’ll feel whole again.

I feel suffocated when I really want to cry and don’t have any tears left. Don’t know why I get those depressing lows at moments but with my darlos and Journey I am holding it all well.

I would throw all my insecurities and vulnerabilities out in front of them and sometimes I string them into poems just for feeling heard.

I don’t make sense most of the times but I am finding myself again.

I may feel too lonely and broken but I am happy. I feel happy that I don’t have to lie to my bestfriend on his face and hide a part of me anymore in the fear of losing my friendship.

Though I try not letting him see me hurting in one of the moods when I feel incomplete.

I am surviving it all. And I am coping with it all good.

Feelings never truly leave your heart but you get good at handling them.

You could do those things with a normal face which once made you all giddy.

I learnt to normalize my interaction with him to keep it all in the friendzone and it does works wonder.

The one thing I am terrible at is gazing at his eyes.

I can’t look in his eyes for more than a second before looking away of the fear of him sensing how deep my feelings still run for him.

In the whole month we had quiet eventful days. We did something almost every day, be it a ride on the bike or a long drive. We went to his home to meet his family twice after the first time they invited me over the weekend.

They like me more than him which makes him super jealous but I know he likes it a lot too.

And sometimes we went to shopping sprees, although unlike me, he has a very different but good fashion sense.

We settled into an unsaid routine of him dropping me at the diner for my shift after classes when he would go to the gym for kickboxing practice and grab a bite at diner on his way back at the end of my shift before dropping me back to the dorm.

On weekends he would take me to his practice and then we would spend the whole day together experimenting food and drinks or binge watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. or any movies and occasionally studying together.

He gave me some self defense training after our conversation about a few guys trying to hit on me.

He gets protective of me at times. It’s cute.

When I ridiculed him for his overly concerns about my naivety, he let it pass through the other ear and forced me to learn some defending tricks which I’m grateful for but would never speak it out loud.

I could never forget the way when he looked at me in the gym trying to convince me to let him teach me a few defense moves.

The weekend after we went to his home, he took me to the gym to pass some time although he is just too proud to say he loves my cheers on the outside of ring.

After he beat the shit outta his opponent in the ring, he was dripping with sweat, standing just in his boxers. Looking sexy as ever. (PS-Friends can call each other sexy)

He guy-hugged the guy and wiped his body with the towel resting on his shoulders before guzzling down some water.

His eyes caught mine and I did my silly cheery dance moves to show him my happiness which made him bellow a laughter that echoed in the whole gym.

He grabbed my tiny hand in his gigantic ones and pulled me in the ring all of a sudden.

I looked at him confused when he suggested learning some tricks for safety out of nowhere.

Well, I love kickboxing and I would have jumped at the opportunity if it were some other time, but when I’m PMSing, I am tempted to be a slight bit difficult.

“Why don’t you want to learn? Didn’t you say you want to kick my ass? Then why don’t you do it?” he said trying to handle my childish tantrums.

“I don’t want to anymore. I don’t like violence.” I said innocently.

“Really?” he questioned me in disbelief.

I glared at him and yelled yes in his ears, loud enough to burst his eardrums.

“Geez woman. Stop squeaking in my ear. It won’t allow you to walk away from training.”

I groaned and huffed. “Aren’t you tired from practice? Why do you even want to do it now? Just rest, Denny” I whined with a pout.

“You remember what I told you about America and Dr. Strange’s relationship in the madness of universe?”

“About the father daughter kinda feeling?” I asked confused at where the conversation was headed.

“About him being her guardian.” He said with a small smile.

“Yeah. What about it?” I prompted.

“Well, Lanny, I feel the same way about you. I feel this urge to protect you always. To be your guardian angel. To take care of you. And the way he taught her tricks to protect and defend herself, I want to do that too. I want to train you so that no one can hurt you physically and I know you are strong enough mentally to fight it off.”

“But why all of a sudden?” I know there is more to it then he said.

“I just saw the movie yesterday and it reminded me of you. You are a good naive girl in this evil world and you  should know how to protect yourself against any harm.”

What he said was one of the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard and hearing him use an analogy like that made me swoon .

I smiled up at him as he chuckled at my star eyed gaze and dragged me to the side of the ring for gearing me up with gloves and prepping me mentally for the exhaustion waiting on me before I could start gushing about his dialogues.

I didn’t have the heart to trouble him more with the tantrums after what he said so I decided to just give in and learn to be an ass kicking fighter.

I would end up on my butt more times than I would like to tell, my clumsy self loving every opportunity of gracing the ring’s floor.

Arden was surprisingly very patient throughout it all, even when I was being a silly kid.

He would pull me in the right stance and continue practicing the move with me until I get it right before moving on to the next move.

I learnt how to choke a person twice my size which made me feel like a goddess, if only I could remember it later on that is and also learnt some smart tricks.

I learnt how to get out of someone’s hold and adding my ball kneeing talent, I made my own pain inducing killer move for defense.

By the end of the session I was sweating and panting profusely while he didn’t break a sweat.

I laid down on the ring floor tiredly and Arden grabbed some water for me from the side of the ring.

The gym was empty by the time we finished our training and Arden took a shower. Me? I didn’t had a change of clothes with me so I decided to be a lazy ass and take a shower at dorm since I didn’t have a shift to go to today.

I swifted through so many thoughts when just the memory of his touch brought a blurry smile on my face.

Why does it hurt to remember his touch?

Why can’t I platonically touch him and not have butterflies coming alive in my stomach and chest.

I look up at the nook in the locker room, hidden away from the door at an angle, a perfect place to grab a person and kiss them.

I envisioned Arden walking out of the bathroom stall and I sneakily pull him in the nook.

Before he could question my intentions, I go on my tippy toes and kiss him. Ravish his soft kissable lips.

He would return the gesture  and kiss me hungrily and passionately, devouring my plump lips until we both are panting for breath.

His hands rest on my waist as he pulls me closer and hug me tight till we both catch our breath and kiss me again, this time taking his time, so softly and lovingly.

I broke out of my thoughts when Arden walked out of the stall in just a towel.

My skin was burning red with my flustering thoughts and his almost very naked sight.

I quickly turned away from him and he laughed. Not just a chuckle but a big rumble from his stomach.

He walked towards me teasingly and pinched my cheeks which added more to my flustered state.

I swatted his hand away, avoiding making contact with his other naked body parts and walked out of the locker-room to give him some privacy while I tried to get my blush under control.

Envisioning him kissing me has got me flustered. What would have happened if he really…

Nope. Not going there Dylan.

You don’t ever imagine kissing your bestfriend ‘cause it’s like breaking the most basic rule of friendship.

I have to delete his almost naked image from my mind before it adds to my imagination further.

I was giving myself a pep talk when Arden walked out looking freshly showered and smelling like a forest.

He has this very different musky and woodsy smell on him mixed with a very mild fragrance of water rushing in a river.

I know it's not how we define a smell of person and maybe I am not good at it too but that’s how I always associate his smell.

Rushing water in the river has a freshness and a mild fragrance if you ever close your eyes and ears and feel it. That’s the sense his scent brings me.

Refreshing. Masculine. Dewy. Exquisite.

He gave me a big smile that made my insides fluttery and grabbed my hand as he guided me out of the gym and towards his bike.

He switched off the mains and locked the door.

After he checked the lock twice, he walked towards where I am standing beside the bike.

He places the helmet on my head and buckled it for me. He was too close to me as he was concentrated in putting the safety of the helmet in place.

We had an intense eye contact for a couple of second before we break it away and move back.

He straddled his bike while wearing his helmet and I sat behind me, keeping a bit distance for my sanity.

He revved the engine and swished around the road to my dorm while I was thrown back by the speed. I secured my arms around his waist for preventing falling down from the bike and breaking my neck.

The air was charged with a different energy. I don’t know if it’s only me who is feeling it because of my previous visualizations or is he feeling it too.

He dropped me off at the dorm gate and we exchanged goodnights and byes.

I was contemplating hugging him when a new found confidence pushed me forward and I wrapped my arms around him in a hug for a few seconds before pulling away.

He smiled at me a genuine dimpled smile filled with affection and I hope I reciprocated the same smile in my haze.

He patted my head like a kid and I huffed before stepping back, watching him straddle his bike and rev the engine again.

Just a simple action but it made me feel so flustered and hot, looking at his masculine jeans clad thighs kicking it start and his veins peeking out from the under side of his hand.

He signaled me to go inside the dorm and I smiled at him one last time before walking towards my room.

The electroencephalogram of my dazed brain is affected by the not so innocent thoughts I had earlier, driving my gamma waves to crazily high peaks.


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