After All (Passion Book 3)

Chapter Twelve

It was impossible to sleep. 

Buck, on the other hand, was sound asleep next to Eddie, his breathing regular and heavy. Usually all Eddie had to do was match his breathing to Buck's and he could fall asleep. 

Not tonight, however. 

He was wide awake. Wired. Thinking about things that he hadn't thought about in years... or wanted to forget altogether. When he closed his eyes, he could hear the sound of machine guns going off, the screaming of those who died as they bled out on the sand. He could see explosions and things no human being should ever have to see. 

But that's war, he reminded himself, feeling hollow. 

He had done it to provide a better life for Shannon. For their son. 

You were also running. Running from the terror of the unknown. 

Yes. He had used the military as a means of escape, and he felt guilty for that. 

He always ran. Wasn't that the problem? Even when he first met Buck, he'd run in the opposite direction, afraid of his feelings. Afraid of who he would be. 

He knew that his accepting Shannon back into his life all those years ago, had been because she was familiar. They had a shared history. So did he with Buck. But, it was a very different kind of history. 

Eddie felt like a coward, lying in bed, next to his lover, remembering someone else. The feel of someone else beside him as he laid awake thinking about the person he wanted to be with, but who he was too afraid to be with. 

Getting up, he swung his feet over the edge of the bed, staring at his naked feet. He needed air. Needed to get out of the room and away from Buck. 

He was in a city he didn't know, so while he desperately wanted to go for a walk to clear his head, he instead headed out on to the balcony. 

The night was warm yet bracing. Breathing deeply, he filled his lungs with air, held it for a few beats, and exhaled, feeling somewhat better. 

He had admitted something to Buck earlier that he had been afraid to admit to himself. 

He had killed innocents... did that make him a bad person? Someone unworthy of love? 

You were following orders... he told himself. But that doesn't make it right. 

Eddie had always seen being a first responder as some sort of way to clean his soul. To expunge what he'd done from the universe, and whatever was out there. 

Leaning against the rail, he folded his arms over it, looking out over the city. Phoenix was beautiful at night. There was no denying that -- the skyline had a distinctively different shape than Los Angeles. And yet, he felt home sick. 

Part of him was glad that this wedding would be over tomorrow. That he could move on with his life, in his city, with his lover by his side. 

It was an inherently selfish thought. But, then again, humans were inherently selfish creatures. 

A month after Buck had left with Maddie, Eddie had confronted Corrine. He'd needed to know her true feelings for Evan Buckley. Needed to know that he loved him more than she did. 

Disheveled and heartbroken, he'd met up with her for coffee, unsure of how he was going to react to being around her. 

She'd been prim and beautiful looking. He understood why Buck had liked her, but it had also hurt more than Eddie was willing to let on. 

Buck had given him too many chances... why wouldn't he want to keep his options open for when things went south again? 

He'd been protecting his heart. 

"I'm sorry he left," she'd said, and sounding like she was actually sorry. 

"That's not why I'm here." 

A sour grin twisted her mouth. "I know why you're here. You want to know what his true feelings were for me. And what mine were for him." 

Eddie had focused on his coffee, not wanting to give anything away. This was foolish, he decided. He should never have contacted her. 

"I was falling for him." She continued. "And I thought for a moment, that he was falling for me. But, I can see now that you are where his heart lies. Even if you're not good for him." 

His hands had tightened reflexively around his mug of coffee. "I just wanted what was best for him." Eddie had admitted. "But, I'm selfish. I wanted to be with him. But I can see now that he cared for you. That you had something with him that I'll never understand." 

Her eyes had been big and full of emotion when he finally looked up. She brushed her hair over her shoulder. "If you love him so much, why did you let him leave?" 

Tears had burned his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. "I love him too much to keep him here. He needs to be with his sister. He needs to figure out who he is and what he wants. And if we find our way back to each other, then I will never let him go again. If he finds someone else in Arizona, or wherever he ends up after that, then I will always remember the good times." 

There had been nothing left to say after that. He and Corrine had gone their separate ways, and never saw each other again.

He was lucky, he knew, to have found his way back to Buck. He just hoped that he was better than he had been. A man worth loving. A man worth adoration. 

Buck still wore the ring Eddie had given him, and it choked Eddie up every time he saw it.

Maybe there was hope for the future. 

Maybe they would live out their lives together, until they were old and grey. 

Eddie knew that he would die happy if Buck was at his side. 

A hand brushed his back, and he turned to find the object of his thoughts standing behind him. 

Buck's eyes were blurry with sleep, his hair tussled and messy. He looked hot in nothing but a pair of boxers that clung to him and hung low on his hips. 

Eddie wasn't sure what Buck had seen on his face, but Buck pulled him into a tight embrace. 

"I will love you until the end of time," Buck whispered. 

Eddie knew that those words were true. He could feel it in every line of Buck's body. In the cadence of his voice. In the way that his large hands cupped the back of Eddie's neck. 

Buck's lips brushed his cheek. 

Eddie wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. But he was a little surprised when the first rays of light kissed the sky. 

They watched the sun rise that morning, hand in hand, sitting on the balcony. 

He felt as though they had a better understanding of each other. A better feel for who the other was. 

I can't hold anything back, Eddie told himself. I have to love this man as hard as I can, for as long as I can. 

When their lips met, any lingering tendril of darkness fell away. Replaced by light and hope and a feeling of utter peace.