New Girl in Town

Chapter 15

What does it mean?

That's all I can think. Over and over. Skipping in between the few instantly memorized lines of Jennie's poetry.

What does it mean?

It's late. The hush of the house comforts me like nothing else. It's like I can finally relax. Marco went to bed at least an hour ago. My room's dark, the light shut off, so that if he gets seized with some urge to check on me, he'll think I'm asleep and he'll pass by the door. 

But I'm not. I'm sitting in front of my computer, the screen the only light, reading her LiveJournal.

I haven't gone back far in her journal entries. Mostly because I keep coming back to that poem. A haiku, I think. I had to google it to make sure, but the rhythm structure—the syllables—match up.

She wrote poetry about today. I tuck my legs under my feet, my hand moving from the mouse to the pad of Post-its I'd accidentally taken from her house.

Drunk on you and me. Is she being literal? Or is it just for poetic effect?

Is she just fucking with me?

I jump at the ding on my computer. I click over to AIM, not wanting to hope, but ... oh, but I'm right. It's her.

          Xx_RubyJane: that water saved my life lol

It's like an ember inside me, too hot to touch for too long, but so tempting in its glow and beauty.

          Xx_RubyJane: whatcha doing

I bite my lip, my fingers hovering over my keyboard. What to say? Play it cool, right? She's still probably a little buzzed, even with the vomiting.

          Lalalalisa_97: thinking about ur triple turn

          Lalalalisa_97: im inspired

Once I've started typing, it's almost like I can't stop, the rush of it too much, knowing she's on the other side, waiting ... for me.

          Lalalalisa_97: maybe I'll take up dance. do the whole Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance thing

          Xx_RubyJane: you're gonna audition for juilliard and fall in love with a cute wannabe doctor?

It's like ... fuck, it's like a hundred-pound weight off my back. I've forgotten about that—how to talk about things you're into, how to make fun of things—instead of like I've got my fists up all the time. Even though I know Marco's trying. But I can't help it; he makes me so mad ... but I'm so tired already.

          Lalalalisa_97: definitely gonna nearly miss my juilliard audition for drama reasons. But I think I'd ditch doctor guy in the long run.

          Xx_RubyJane: not your type?

I almost type this: More interested in the girl who played his sister. 
But I can't. Even if I don't send it, even typing it is too much.
It's like admitting it.

          Lalalalisa_97: nah

And then I do type:

          Lalalalisa_97: I like dancers.

My hand hovers over the RETURN key and it's like soaring, thinking about the possibilities—about her face, lit by her computer screen, reading my words, like I read hers, that poem that I can't get out of my head. But I'm not brave enough. My fingers shift to the DELETE button instead. It's gone from the screen but not my mind.

          Xx_RubyJane: not gonna lie, I already have a bruise on my arm

          Lalalalisa_97: aw

          Lalalalisa_97: poor Jenjen

I mean it for real, but her response—

          Xx_RubyJane: so sarcastic

          Xx_RubyJane: ;)

A deliberate misunderstanding. A game—her and me. A code only we understand. It's like having permission to be honest, and then she'll just pretend it's a joke. Liminal space, between real and fake, between her mask and mine.

It's maybe the bravest thing I've ever done, typing it and sending it, quick before I lose whatever insane nerve I've just summoned.

          Lalalalisa_97: if you stop whining now, next time I see you, i'll kiss your fearsome wound better, okay?

          Xx_RubyJane: gasp!

          Xx_RubyJane: i am not whining!

          Xx_RubyJane: bitch

My stomach twists. Was I wrong?

          Xx_RubyJane: :P

Relief floods me.

          Xx_RubyJane: tomorrow? you and me?

I don't even know how to breathe or the name of this feeling. All I know is I want to be breathless forever, if it's like this.

          Lalalalisa_97: sure