New Girl in Town

Chapter 25

We don't talk. Kissing her takes my breath away, so I don't think I could, if I tried. Making out seems like a cheap way to describe this, learning her mouth like it's a secret I want to keep.

Even after the kisses slow, we twine together like ivy up a tree. In the long grass, as the sun sets, I drape my jacket over both of us and she cuddles close to me, her body loose and relaxed, like she knows she's safe. I'd never let anything happen to her. I'd fight the fucking world for her. I know I might have to, and I'm ready. She's worth it. God, she's worth it.

Her lips flutter against the skin of my neck, her thumb rubbing back and forth against my wrist. Eventually, the movement slows with her breathing, and I hold her closer as she falls into sleep, never wanting the day to stop. I want to stay here, where nothing can touch us.

I can't place the buzzing sound at first. Then I realize it's coming from her pocket. She stirs against me, waking slowly. She blinks up at me, and all I can think is that I want to watch her wake up forever.

"Hey," I whisper, reaching out and plucking grass off her shoulder.

Her phone keeps buzzing. She slicks her hair off her face and grabs it out of her pocket. "Shit," she says, leaping to her feet.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," she says, staring at her phone, not even looking at me. "Yeah. I just..." Her gaze slides up, fixing on me for a solid, electric moment before dipping back down to her phone, paging through her texts. "I gotta go. Stuff to do."

Before I can react, before I can say anything, she's bolted, heading down the tracks at such a clip that if I follow her, I'll have to run to catch up.

I stand there, watching until her form disappears into the fading light.

What the fuck just happened?

***

I force myself to get home. Every movement is an effort, but I make it. My head's all over the place when I get to my room. When I touch my lips, after, it doesn't feel real.

I don't feel real. I'm suddenly in a world where I am a girl who gets kissed like that. Who gets kissed by her. It's a fantastical fairy tale to suddenly experience it—the thing that everyone's always talked about, but flipped for me. Princess meets princess, happily-ever-after spins in my head, and my brain doesn't even know what it should look like after the first kiss, but I'm trying.

Why did she run off? Is she okay? Did she get a text from her mom or something? I have to know. I go over to my computer and my heart actually skips when I see she's online.

          Lalalalisa_97: hi

I stare at her screen name, willing her to answer. But instead, she suddenly switches to an "away" message.

That's the thing about falling.

Sometimes you crash.

Come back. I try to will it through the screen, one hand on the mouse, the other still pressed to my lips, where her lips had been. She'd kissed me. Again and again, like she wanted to drink from me, desert-parched and desperate.

Come back.

But now she's just an away message, taunting me through the night every time I look at it.

***

My computer is the first thing I check the next morning. She's finally answered. Late last night, when my away message was on. Like she'd planned it, waiting for me to sleep, sneaking in so I wouldn't be there to respond.

          Xx_RubyJane: hey
          Xx_RubyJane: didn't see this. totally crashed. sooooo hungover.
          Xx_RubyJane: vodka is not my friend
          Xx_RubyJane: sorry for being weird last night

I stare at the messages, every bit of buzz draining from my body in a rush. I start to type. What am I supposed to say back? That she didn't need to apologize? That making out with her was the best thing that's ever happened to me? That I'm pretty sure I—

I stop typing. I need to think. Not just react.

Pulling up my browser, I click over to her LiveJournal. 

LJ User: Xx_RubyJane [Public Entry]
Date: June 28, 2012

[Mood: hyped]
[Music: "Over My Head"—The Fray]

My girls always come through for me. Told @Roro_4.20 that I needed to blow off some serious steam. She, @Irene_Bae.utiful and @ChuuJisoo arranged an entire girls' night for me and a kickback for all of us tomorrow! AIM me for the details or comment here!

Don't know what I'd dowithout you three <3 <3 <3 

—Jennie

I shouldn't read the comments. I know it'll make me feel worse. But I click on them all the same. By the time I'm done reading about them gushing over their girls' night, my stomach's churning. It feels like she did this on purpose; like she needed to replace the memory of me on the tracks with her real friends. The ones she didn't kiss senseless.

It's like being erased, and my skin crawls from it. There's nothing like going invisible. It makes your mind whisper that if you leave, no one will miss you. My mom thought that in the end. She was so fucking wrong.

My hand clenches over the mouse. I force myself to relax it as I click back over to Messenger. She's still online, and I wonder if she's waiting for my answer. A part of me wants to leave my away message on, to torture her like she tortured me.

Instead, I type it out, carefully and on the edge of cruel:

          Lalalalisa_97: lol you are weird. no idea what you're talking about

And then, like I don't already know:

          Lalalalisa_97: what ru doing today?

And there it is, no answer ... and the away message again.

Something hot and horrible curls in my stomach. I thought playing her ignorance game would make me feel better. But all I feel is worse.

I'm so done with games. With lying. Especially to myself.