𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬

70- freshman

3 More days until the exam week starts. I've practiced everything atleast 3 times, but I can't help but feel stressed about all of this. When I used to be stressed in Texas, I would cope with my stress on myself. It may haven't been the healthiest coping mechanism, but atleast it worked. Now I have nothing to do than study day and night, trying to distract my mind off of everything I still have to do.

I haven't tried treating Leanne any different than I did before. I know how much it sucks to be treated differently when someone finds out something about your life, and I never want her to feel that way. I haven't tried asking questions to Liam, Zain or Medea either because I know it isn't a enjoyable subject to talk about and it must've been traumatic for all of them too.

I mean, Zain and Liam found her, and it was Medea's birthday. I can't imagine how it feels like to find someone trying to end their life. It looks like everyone around me has, and I'm glad I never had to experience that, but I also feel bad for those who did. I even was the cause for 5 of them, and after I heard Leanne talk about how Liam and Zain found her, I only feel even more guilty. I know for a fact my brothers would never blame me for how they found me that day, but I still feel a pang of guilt everytime I think about that.

I can barely remember a thing of the night I tried killing myself, but I do know thanks to Diego that Eleandro found me first and then went to get my other brothers. I think it would've been best to spare them from that trauma, but I also know I would've done the exact same thing and that they would've seen me at some point anyway.

I try to not think about it too often, but sometimes it just appears in my mind and then I get scared. Scared because I'm afraid I'll do that to myself some day again. I'm in a much better place now, that's for sure, but what if something happens and I sink to the deepest point again? Maybe I should consider getting a therapist like Diego told me.

I wanted to open up to Leanne when she told me something so big about her life, I really did, but something was holding me back. I think it's because of the fact I haven't gotten over it myself. It seems like I can't share anything about my life before New York if I can't accept the fact that happened to me. And often I think I'm overreacting. Lots of people have it so much worse than I have, and I'm drowning here in self-pity, while maybe I should just suck it up and go on. Maybe what happened to me wasn't even that big of a deal.

But then I remember the reaction my brothers had when they found out. The worry and pity on their face made me think my self-pity wasn't overreacted. Maybe what happened to me wasn't normal, like I seriously considered it to be in the beginning.

I looks like I haven't made my mind up yet, which is why I can't share this piece of my past with anyone.

Studying with Leanne is off today, since we both felt bad for our friends that they had to miss us for this long.

Zain, Medea and Liam don't do much for school. None of them are dumb, especially not Liam, but I feel like they just don't want to study for school.

And I think that's the exact reason why Leanne hates Liam so much. They're both equally smart, but Liam doesn't have to study this much for it as Leanne, and she thinks that isn't fair.

That's why she's having a whole tantrum to me now, about that reason.

"You know? It isn't fair! He always complains to me saying it isn't fair I'm class president, but I work hard for it while he refuses to do so!" Her face turns a little red, and It looks like she is really frustrated right now.

"Maybe he does study a lot, just not in school?" I suggest. I almost know for sure he doesn't, and just is smart without studying, but I can't tell Leanne that. I know she and Liam are the exact same. Leanne doesn't need to study this much, she's just afraid of failure so she does.

"I highly doubt that." She points out, but then stays quiet as we enter the cafeteria and see our friends already seated at the usual table we're on.

It looks like Zain made a appearance against sitting across from Medea talking with her about God knows what. It does seem like Medea is less frustrated about him leaving us for some girl.

"Hey!" Leanne greets them as we arrive at the table. They all greet us and shuffle a bit so we have a place to sit.

Leanne has to sit next to Liam and I internally gniffle while sitting next to Medea.

"Bro what are you saying?!" I hear Medea saying to Zain with a face full of disgust.

"Nothing, I just mean she kinda asked for it right?" He tried arguing, but Medea barely listens to me, turning around so she's face to face with me.

"Zina, do you think Zain" She gives him a disgusted look once again. "should try hitting up a girl because she's wearing a short skirt?"

I frown.

"Ew, no." I say almost immediately, now glancing at Zain disgusted too.

"Exactly my point." She says when I back her up.

"Bro, why am I always the one who's done it?!" He now asks stunned.

"Maybe because it's you Zainy," Medea starts of in a voice as if talking to a baby. "who fucking tried hitting her up?!" Medea states sarcastic, and I chuckle at the weird nickname she gave him.

I see Zain's cheeks tinting and I think about how this is such a bad moment to feel attracted to Medea. It is right? And he is definitely attracted to her at this point.

I now see Liam and Leanne have joined in to the conversation too, and I see them both looking from Medea to Zain and back.

I share a glance with Leanne and she smiles at me, motioning she saw it too.

Medea and Zain are still arguing, and now Liam chimes in too, surprising me on who's side he is.

"Zain you can't be serious about that, man. That freshman? Are you trying to be a pedophile?"

All of the girl's mouths drop now at this new information we just got.

"A fresman?" We all say in sync, looking at Zain in complete shock.

"Uh, age is just a number?" He says now a bit embarrassed.

"She's 4 years older than you dickhead, have some dignity." Medea scoffs, rolling her eyes.

"Okay geez, I'm sorry alright! I didn't know she was 14." He mutters in embarrassment, and we all start to laugh.

I have to admit, it's atleast a bit funny.

"Okay, yeah alright you can laugh." He says, his cheeks now a bright pink.

Once we're done laughing, we start talking about a different subject, sparing Zain from this embarrassing one.

The bell rings, and me and Zain head to class as we have it together.

Just 3 days until Exams.

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