"It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me." Sylvia Plath-
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"Go away."
"But I want to help you, since you wouldn't let Felix do it!" he's still walking a little behind me, catching his breath because he ran to make sure I didn't disappear, or so he's blabbered.
I don't stop or slow down, just sigh heavily. Today has already been exhausting enough, I don't need him to make it worse. "If I didn't let Felix, what makes you think I'd let you?"my tone comes off harder than I expected, I have to admit, but at this point I couldn't care less.
I just want him to go away and let me breathe. His stare on the back of my head following me everywhere I went all morning was already suffocating enough.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asks. His tone, contrary to my annoyed one, is ever so effervescent, just like all of him.
The way his skin feels against my wrists when he grabs one to make me stop walking evoques memories from the past. His touch always makes me recall the undying love I had for him as a child. It feels like butterflies have started roaming my skin, starting where my flesh touches him and accelerating my heartbeat. I meet his eyes, a bit reluctant because I already know I'll get lost in them.
A warm gaze, like looking at the sun on a cloudless summer day, radiates out from those eyes. Like a pool of honey, golden memories of happier times are all I can see when those eyes lay upon me, or when I take time to look long enough. I can't help but find myself drawn to those eyes, the more I look, the more I feel as though I'm being transported back to a beautiful memory of happier, simpler times.
I look away. I'm a man on a mission, these distractions are slowing me down too much. Soonbok and Hyerin, her friend, are probably waiting and I also need to cook for them when I get home. There are too many things to do, I can't allow myself to get lost in Jisung's eyes, in the memories of our past.
I snatch my arm away. "Why won't you let anyone help you?"
His question is innocent, doesn't mean anything bad, but I take it personal for some reason. Is he implying I'm weak? What does he even know about me, my life? He disappeared for years and now wants to play best buddies again when he knows nothing about me anymore.
Jisung is forcing his help onto me without me wanting so. The telltale repeats once more and he hasn't asked how I feel about anything.
He never considers my feelings.
"I don't need anyone's help, much less yours. Stop trying to be my hero or my best friend, Jisung. Stop trying to pretend like nothing happened, like just because you apologized I'm suddenly okay with everything you do." my tone is harsh. I'm exhausted. Maybe I can't think straight, I just want Jisung out of my life again.
