Forget-me-not

Seungmin

The poets say that grief is just love with nowhere to go. All this love, this tenderness, this warmth, this happiness; it lingers internally like a ghost. Wandering through the hollowed aisles of ribs, caressing the marrow, and riding the circular rhythm of blood every time the heart beats.

It's so easy to get caught up in the motions of life until it's too late. Cynthia was in Seungmin's life, once upon a time, and now she's gone. He knew how precious life was deep down, but he truly realized it on a Thursday morning while making toast.

He used to eat his toast plain up until Cynthia came along. Occasionally, he'd butter it, but it was mostly just toasted bread because it was simple and easy. He'd often wash it down with a glass of whatever he felt like in the mornings. Toast was ordinary, but Cynthia was everything, but ordinary.

Sometimes people are too good for the world. Sometimes you fall in love with people and you don't understand how you became so lucky. Perhaps it's good karma from this life or another. Maybe, if you wish upon shooting stars, someone out there hears them and works a little magic. The universe has a way of making magic come alive, occasionally.

A few days after Cynthia and Seungmin moved in together, Seungmin had the day off. He woke up early, like he always did, and Cynthia wasn't in the bed. He got up to go find her and found her humming in the kitchen.

Her back was turned away from him as she stood in front of their stove. A few boxes had been pushed beneath the kitchen table. There were things packed for the kitchen that had yet to be unearthed from boxes and put away.

She opened the curtains and the morning light streamed through the kitchen. Her hair sat back on her head in a messy ponytail. The closer Seungmin walked towards her, the stronger the scent of strawberries became.

Trying not to startle her, he slowly slipped his hands around her waist and pressed his chin against her shoulder. "What are you doing?" His eyes went down to the saucepan in front of her. "That smells really good."

She stirred the light pink mixture around with a wooden spoon. The juice from strawberries began to ooze out and seep into sugar. "I'm making strawberry jam."

"Strawberry jam?" Seungmin echoed. She hummed and gave a simple nod of her head. "You do realize that we have some of this, right? There's a jar that's almost gone in the fridge."

"Yeah, I know, but it's not homemade."

"So? Why would you make it homemade? It's easier to buy it from the store and it tak-"

She reached up and gently pushed a finger towards his lips. "Close your eyes for a moment."

His eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Just close your eyes and I'll do it with you." She shut her eyes with his arms still wrapped around her body. The low heat on the stove caused the strawberries to bleed more. The sugary mixture began to darken to a maroon.

Seungmin shut his eyes and waited for a few moments. "Okay, now what? What's the purpose of this? I don't feel any different about store bought jam."

"Shush for a moment. There's just the two of us in this kitchen. Can you smell the strawberries? I bought them fresh from my boss yesterday. I ate one before I put them on the stove. They're perfectly ripe and just right. There was a perfect amount of sweetness when I bit into it."

Seungmin stayed quiet.

"And if you listen for a moment," she paused for another few seconds, "you can hear the birds chirping outside. The sun is lighting up the kitchen and if you take another moment to soak it in, it's barely there, but you can feel the warmth."

"Sure, you can go get jam or jelly from the store, but this feeling and this moment, it's irreplaceable. There's something so calm about doing something so domestic. When I'm on my deathbed, I hope I can remember little things like this. The warmth of the sun, the comfort of bird chirps, and the fresh scent of ripe strawberries."

Seungmin finally reopened his eyes. "Are you going to be able to remember my love too or are you just going to focus on the little things?"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

He laughed and placed his lips along the side of her neck. The way she found such happiness in things like this, it made his heart swell. She looked at life as an opportunity to find happiness instead of some cruel punishment. It was a view that not many people carried.

"These strawberries remind me of your cheeks. This is how red you get when I tease you." He grinned as he poked her cheek.

She huffed and swatted his hand away. "You really don't get it, do you? You'll understand when you have some of it. It's so much better than store-bought jam."

Seungmin understood her well enough. He knew what she was implying, but he liked to tease her. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"What does your jam have that store-bought doesn't?"

"Store-bought jam isn't made with my love."

"Alright, you've got me there."

Nearly a half-hour later, Cynthia handed him a slice of toast with jam slathered on it. The strawberry jam was still warm and filled his mouth with a sweetness that he'd never forget. After he swallowed, he found himself licking his lips, desperate for more. He took another bite and realized Cynthia was watching him smirking.

There was something so pure about that moment. As he swallowed another bite, the truth finally hit him, Cynthia rarely consumed strawberry jam. He found her eating jam-slathered toast in a rush one morning. She slathered another two pieces on a plate and sent them with him to work, along with a quick strawberry filled kiss.

On his walk to work, he enjoyed the jam a lot. When he got home that evening, he ate another slice of toast with strawberry jam. Soon enough, he had to buy another jar of it because he finished the first one.

Cynthia didn't make strawberry jam because she could or because she wanted it, she made it for him. She made it for him because she loved him. She loved the way he slathered way too much of it on his toast. She loved the way he always said he loved it after he took the first bite. When he finished, his kisses tasted like sweet strawberries.

"Alright, you win. Your strawberry jam topped with love is so much better than store-bought jam. Come over here and stop making me wait." He held his hands out towards her. "Pucker up and come get your reward, it's a kiss."

In the present time, as Seungmin spread the store bought strawberry jam on his toast, it wasn't the same. The artificial flavors ruined the authentic taste that Cynthia once created. There was too much sugar and it made it too sweet. He dropped the toast back on the plate with a frown and a sigh.

He'd do anything to get a jarful of Cynthia's strawberry jam. He was positive she wrote the recipe down somewhere. It likely still lingered somewhere back at their shared apartment. He was going to find it and the two would recreate his memory.

They'd make strawberry jam, eat it on toast while it was still warm, and once again, they'd share a sweetened-strawberry kiss.