Bound to Love

Chapter 2: The Compromise

   I get back to my room and try not to let panic overtake me. How will father react to my plea not to marry Junior? Will he be displeased with me or even angry? How could I be so stupid to actually write my thoughts on paper? Maybe father will understand the hand he has forced.

   No, he couldn't understand why a child he has given everything would be so ungrateful. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, echoing like thunder does after lightning strikes. My wavy hair is curled with sweat, sticking to my face and neck, causing me to feel trapped in my own skin. I throw myself into my too big bed and sprawl, reminding myself of De Vince's Vitruvian Man. I take deep slow breaths, trying to invoke calmness. I hope sleep takes me before father makes his inevitable appearance, though I fear my dreams just as much. Sleep doesn't come, instead I just lay, eyes open, staring at the woodwork on the ceiling. 

   A couple hours go by and I hear nothing about my assignment. Despite my attempt at calm breaths, I feel sweat beading my forehead every other second. Just as I get up to turn my lights dim, I hear footsteps coming my way.

   "Nastasia, it's father, are you decent?" Oh shit, here it comes. Father has not made an appearance to my room in so long, this can't be good.

   "Yes father, you may enter." I reply, even though I want to hide under my covers like I would as a child after a nightmare. My father walks in, he is a short stout man with a slight limp, though very muscular for his age. His limp seems to have worsened since the last time I saw him. I still don't know how he was injured, but it oddly seems to suit him. His salt and pepper hair is slicked back the way it always is, and he is dressed in an immaculate black on black pinstripe suit. Something is off about him though, he seems tired. He searches the room for something that isn't there, perhaps reacquainting himself with it after so long.

   "Nastasia, you have been excelling very well in your courses I have heard. You have some interesting insights on Seneca's theories as I have read." He starts.

   "Father, I apologize for my assignment. It was more a free-write, and it was never meant to be seen by you." I respond, but he silences me with a finger.

   "If it was not meant to be seen, then why write it at all? Is there something you'd like to discuss with me?" A shiver runs down my spine. Now is my chance to man up and tell him how I feel. He would know if I was lying to him, so I might as well be truthful.

   "Father, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I just want to experience the world before I am tied down to Junior forever. And forgive me, I know he is your son, but surely you've seen his late night visitors and know of his actions. I just can't see myself marrying a man so self-conscious he must seek constant validation in the form of sex. You've always pushed for my education and the importance of it. Surely you understand my desire to further it." He sits quietly for a moment, digesting my words.

   "I see my daughter, you have made some points. Junior does have habits he needs to break, ones that neither I nor you will ever understand. So what exactly are you asking from me?" Well here goes I suppose.

   "Let me attend University, let me gain an understanding of the world before I am cast away as some wife, destined to be a mother to who knows how many children. And please allow me to find love in a more natural way. I want to feel love, lust, I want to feel butterflies. These are things Junior cannot give me, all I feel for him is hatred and anger for his betrayals" I rush out the words in one breath.

   "Nastasia, I am nothing if not a man of understanding" he begins. "The long and the short of it is, you will marry Junior. You must, it has been destined for the past fifteen years. You hate him because you don't know him. Something me and the family have worked diligently to maintain as not to muddy your relationship with him. I cannot attest to his behavior, but I can say this. Once wedded, a man becomes different. His past is no longer a part of his present, and you will learn to let go of your grievances."

   "But father, how can you say such things? You told me you loved your wife with every breath you took. Would you have laid with other women despite knowing you would eventually marry?" I've gone too far, I see it in fathers eyes.

   "I have already said that I cannot justify his actions, Nastasia. But you are a crucial part of this family, you will marry Junior. However, perhaps we can reach some sort of compromise. I will allow you to attend University, I know full well I cannot keep you safe in these walls forever. It is time for you to gain an understanding of this ugly world outside of the books you read." I can't believe my ears, I can attend a normal school and meet friends. I can become a part of society, tears well in my eyes from my excitement. But father isn't done.

   "There are some stipulations though, one being that Junior will attend University with you. Even if you are to have some freedom, I can still protect you. There is a war outside these walls, and though you are safer here in New York, there are still others who will not appreciate your tan skin and black hair. Another is you may date anyone you desire, even sleep with them if that's what you wish. Though you will marry Junior in three years time, when you are twenty one, and you will court him along with your other suitors. Everything in the plan will stay the same, it is time for you both to get to know each other. Is this understood?" I am too stunned to speak for a second. I am getting so much that I've wanted for so long, and yet there is still the marriage to Junior I cannot escape. I realize several minutes have passed, and father is waiting for an answer.

   "Forgive me father, I am stunned at your understanding. I accept your words, and am grateful for this opportunity. I do have a question, what happens if I fall in love with someone else?" I ask him the question on repeat in my head. He has a simple answer to it.

   "Don't" he responds with a kind smile. Then he stands up, kisses me on my forehead, and leaves me to digest this news. I feel so many things at once and my head starts to spin so I take fathers seat at my desk to think.

   I can study medicine, I can have a real life. I can date. Something I've dreamed of for so long, to find a companion and love so great, I would die for them like Juliet. A thousand thoughts plague my mind. Is this really what I want, with the marriage to Junior always lingering in my mind? Do I want to be like him and bed different suitors, knowing I will never be able to fully commit to them? How will Junior feel? Will he even care? Will his sick and twisted mind like that I'm experienced when I'm finally forced to give myself to him? Can I actually lay with someone knowing my fate is sealed? Or will I finally understand why Junior has led a life of so many conquests? Am I really ready for this? I finally have a chance to figure out who I am, but still Junior's shadow hangs over me. I don't know who I used to be, and I don't know who I want to be. I sigh deeply, filled with so much anxiety and decide to ponder this another day. I'll just bask in my excitement for the new possibilities school will bring.

   Sleep eventually comes to me and I was right to fear my dreams. They take me to a place from my past, the orphanage again. The building is tall with large windows, resembling how I think a library would look. I can't see anyone's faces this time, they are all blurred out as if they don't even exist. There is one clear face though, except for his eyes, it's the little blonde boy again who never seems to leave my side. We do nothing but wander through the halls filled with other faceless children. We hold hands the whole time until I am suddenly snatched away by a man. The little boy screams out, yet it is my screams that I wake to.

   I quickly sit up and take in my surroundings. I am home, the only home I've known, safe, in my bed, safe from the faceless figures. I feel my heavy eyes start to droop and lay back down. I try not to think of my dream, or why I was able to see the boy's face this time, yet still can't remember it, or else I'll fall back into the nightmare. Though I can't help my last thought, who is the blonde haired boy?