Bound to Love

Chapter 5: It's Getting Bad Again

   I left her there, just sitting at the edge of her bed. I could see she was confused, and maybe even hurt by the way she looked up at me. I don't know what came over me, but in that moment I would have taken her all the way if she'd let me. Judging her reaction, I think she would have. I never noticed how attractive she actually was before I saw her in her black lace nightgown, her body has matured overnight it seems. Then again, I never really looked at her before. I've always been able to catch any girl I've wanted, get what I needed from them, and send them on their way. Nastasia is different though, she's always here. Maybe that's why I stopped because I know in the morning she'll still be here. The idea makes me uncomfortable. I've never been interested in cuddling after sex, sweet kisses, and then waking up together to have breakfast. It's always just been a physical exchange for me.

   It's like an addiction, especially when I get into these types of moods. I have too much energy in my body and it makes my head spin. Sex has always been the way I've calmed myself down, a type of control when I feel like I have none. It isn't always energy though, sometimes I feel a heavy weight on my chest that won't let me breath. I get sucked into despair and I have no energy at all. I can't seem to move, or brush my teeth, or shower, or even eat. Instead I just sit in my bed and let the tears fall, tears I have no explanation for.

   I've been his way since I can remember, I call it my demon. This thing inside of me that makes life feel like a broken train that sometimes speeds up almost off the track. Other times it goes so slow, and yet I can never get off of it. My mother used to be good at handling me when I go like this. If I was worked up, she would think of weird games to keep my brain occupied. My favorite was stop and go. She would send me all the way down the hall of the mansion and stand at the other end. When she yelled go, I would run as fast as I could to try to get to her. If she yelled stop and I kept running, she would make me start back at the beginning of the hallway. She would always be able to see my mood shifting as well, somehow she knew when my bad days were coming.

   On the days I couldn't get myself out of bed, she would come and lay with me while I cried. Sometimes I would sleep, and she would always be right there when I woke up. Then she would carry me to a nice warm bath and sit with me until I was done. There were never any words spoken when I got like this, she would smile at me like she understood completely what I was going through. Afterwards, she'd come back to bed with me and remind me that tomorrow is another day. She always emphasized that it would get better, that I wouldn't always be so sad. When she died, my father didn't have time for my antics or tantrums. He would tell me that men don't cry, and send me to my room to figure out whatever I was feeling, so I would try to sob silently so he couldn't hear me.

   Eventually, I accepted the fact that my father would never be like my mother. I would sometimes try to play our games on my own, calling stop and go at different times, but it never helped. So I turned to loose women who would let me control their bodies. There was a thrill when I would tell them what to do to me, and talk them through it. I was sixteen the first time I brought a girl home and I was riding on cloud nine that day. The energy within me felt greater than it ever did before, almost bursting out of my veins. I had decided to go for a walk through the city, hoping that my over-excitement would have been calmed by moving my legs. The walk gradually turned into a full on run. I kept running until I couldn't breath and I felt fire in my lungs. When I finally stopped to catch my breath, I saw her. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure she was a prostitute, but I didn't care. She gave me the attention that I wanted, that I needed. She wasn't much older than me, but she looked like a full grown woman. I brought her back to the mansion, not really sure where things were going to go. I also wasn't sure what I was doing when we finally laid down, but she talked me through it. She told me all the right places to touch, to make her feel good. When we were finally done, she tried to lay next to me and cuddle, but my mind was finally satiated for a moment, and I wanted nothing more than for her to leave. So I kicked her out, plain and simple. She wasn't too happy about it, but I didn't care.

   Once she was finally gone, I laid out on my bed, content with my life, until I smelled her. Her scent lingered on my sheets, on my pillows, on my breath. I just couldn't stand it, so I stripped my bed and threw away my sheets. Ever since that day, whenever I had a girl, I've asked Sarah to wash my sheets afterwards. I'm not sure what it is about the smells, but they make me feel suffocated. That's part of the reason I didn't go out tonight, along with my fathers new realizations about the Krause clan.

   Turns out Nastasia and the guy from the docks spent time together at the orphanage. His name is Michael, and he was adopted into the Krause clan after his father died. My father couldn't find anything on his mother, just his name and that he is my age. It irritates me thinking that Nastasia has some sort of connection to him. He was egotistical on the docks and all I wanted to do was punch him in the face. Only after having him strung and beaten half to death. I'd do so with a smile on my face, as I'd watch the blood drip down his tattered body, and lick it off my lips as he begs out for mercy. His father would be next for his disrespect towards my father, his death would be even more brutal.

   As I sit and think about the blood of my enemies, I feel my body start to tingle. The energy is coming back, flowing through my veins. Maybe I should've brought someone home tonight to quench this fire inside me. For now though, I have to prepare for school and get some sleep.

                                                                                                ...

   Tomorrow is my first day of school, all over again. I thought it was finally all over when I finished my basic courses, but no such luck. I don't even want to study medicine. Honestly, I don't know what I want to make out of my life. With the constant responsibility to become the head of the family, I've never given it much thought. Now there is the added pressure of my father's assignment, some bullshit coke order he wants me to run. Apparently there is a new shipment coming overseas that's worth a lot of money. Of course it's going towards aiding the war though, that's where most of his money has been going. I know it's a test, he wants to see how I handle it, but I'm not really worried. All I really have to do is oversee the transfer, taking the product from point A to point B.

   My father won't even be in town when this all happens, something about finding out more information on Michael. It doesn't make sense to me why he's so worked up over a nobody. He seems almost infatuated with the kid. Maybe it worries him, the idea of me and Michael going head to head once I take over. It's inevitable really, he's too much like me to ignore his presence, just like on the docks when he got under my skin. I hope I won't have to see him again until that day comes, when he takes over for the Krause clan and I for the Valentino's.

   Then there's Nastasia who I have to babysit while trying to keep okay grades and learning the operations of the family. She brings about more pressure than anything else. How in the hell is she going to maneuver through a full university when she's spent most of her life in the mansion? Sometimes, being around too many people gives me the itch, so I'm not sure how she's going to handle it. And what about the men that will throw themselves at her, trying to court her? Father has informed of their entire deal; the fact that she may date whoever she wants and even bed them if it pleases her. I don't like it. I've never really wanted her, but the fact is she is mine. Her stubbornness will get the better of me, I know it. She'll be with men just to rub my nose in it. Well I can do the same to her, only better. I wonder how the sting of seeing me with her classmates will feel compared to her sneaking behind her pillar to watch me. This may be interesting after all.