Bound to Love

Chapter 14 1/2:

   I stubble out of the bar smelling of whisky and squint at the setting sun. It was right around six o'clock then I finally decided I needed to get some food in me before I passed out so I paid for my tab and gathered my tingling legs to start waking to my favorite restaurant. I'm only six blocks away and I'm too inebriated to drive the car right now. My father would definitely kill me himself instead of sending me to the war if I crashed his car. The night is unusually warm for late December, or maybe it's the alcohol in my blood, either way I'm sweating bullets before I make it two blocks.

   I've been trying not to think about what the war will be like, but I can't really help it. I'm not sure what exactly to expect, but I doubt it's going to be fun. Then the demons are starting to get really bad again, I'm spiraling out of control. I feel like I need to talk to someone about it, but I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy. Maybe I am, I have obsessive thoughts that I can't control when I get like this, like who Nastasia was out with earlier. I've known she's been lying to me for some time, or at least hiding something. Things felt off after she stopped coming down to my room at night. Then she threw the ring at me yesterday, and I saw how badly I hurt her. I didn't really think about what I was saying before I said it, I just had more anger coursing through my veins than blood at the time.

   I start to look around my pockets for the ring that was supposed to be a stepping stone in our relationship, but I can't find it anywhere. I've managed to make it three blocks from the bar and don't have the strength to backtrack and look for it, plus the sun has pretty much set. Fuck man, that ring was expensive. She's going to be pissed when she asks me for it back. Which she will, I know she will, I just have to figure out a way to make her forgive me. Normal things won't work on her though, she's really not like other women. It sounds cliché, but she's just different somehow, stronger than the other women in my life have been.

   My legs are starting to burn and I'm stumbling around a bit, but I know I can make it to the restaurant. I'll be fine once I'm there and drink some coffee. I didn't tell Nastasia much about how special the place is to me, but it has become my comfort on my darkest days. Somehow, I feel my mother's spirit whenever I'm there, like she's consoling me and telling me there's nothing wrong with me. She used to tell me I was different, but not wrong, and her words are what I cling to when I can't fight the demons anymore. She would have been proud of me for sharing our restaurant with Nastasia. I think she would like her very much if she was still alive.

   Maybe that's how Nastasia is different, because she reminds me of my mother so much. They are both stubborn as hell, in fact my mother was the only person on this planet that struck fear into my father. I've seen him stare the barrel of a gun down with a smile, but not his precious Miriam. Thinking of her always brings tears to my eyes, fuck cancer man. Fuck this whole world and everything in it for taking her away from me. Sometimes I think about death just to find my way back to her. I mean, there has to be something after the chaos of life right? There's no way we wake up everyday and deal with the bullshit we do just to vanish as if we never existed.

   My thoughts are starting to go to a bad place so I start to run, trying to be faster than the demons chasing me. I'm only a block away now, and the abandoned buildings that surround me are starting to give me the creeps. That reminds me, the old orphanage burned down yesterday amidst all the chaos with Nastasia. Something about faulty wiring, but I have my own theories. It's too coincidental that Nastasia came from the direction of the orphanage right when the fire started, but I can't really see her doing something like that. She isn't a rule breaker or a rebel, always too worried about the consequences. I worry though that she's fallen into the wrong crowd, with people who are capable of arson and vandalism. Maybe it's that dick who "bumped" her the first day. There was something off about him, he stood too cocky for my liking.

   I finally see the lights of the restaurant and slow my pace. Finally, I'm home. I say hi to the mime who always performs on the corner and he waves at me, never saying a word. When I reach the door, my blood runs cold and my legs stop working altogether. He's here, sitting in my booth, with her. That fucking prick Michael is laughing at something Nastasia said, as if it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. She looks beautiful tonight, and it's for him. Then he reaches his arm across the table and grabs her hand. They're on a fucking date? How the hell do they even know each other? Then it hits me like a brick across the face, he's the guy she met on our first day.