Bound to Love

Chapter 8: New Normal

   Things have been getting better day by day at school. I'm slowly starting to catch up to my peers, but still no one really wants to talk to me. It seems as if answering questions correctly has earned me bizarre looks, and I'm struggling to decide if that's better or worse than being ignored. I have classes with Michael every week, and getting to know him more has been my highlight. He's so different from anyone I've met. I never see him with other women, the way Junior does. Honestly, I hardly see him at all unless we have a class together. Sometimes we talk about the ongoing war, and the senselessness of it. Other times we talk about school work, which he is really bad at. I think he's failing all of his classes, not just one. We haven't spoken anymore of the orphanage, even though I really want to burden him with all of my questions.

   I can't tell if he knows more than he is telling me, but I have picked up on an uncomfortable shift in his body whenever I try to approach the topic. He also hasn't said anything else about our date. In fact, he goes between seeming interested in courting me, and just being a goofy friend. It's very confusing. Junior has continued his nightly escapades, as well as his daily adventures with my peers. I see him everyday with someone else, a new woman on his arm shining her best smile at him, laughing at what I am sure are dry jokes. Even though he has been commuting with me to school everyday, our relationship has not grown much. Most of the time we sit in silence the whole way, unless I attempt a conversation. Even when I do, he usually says some snarky comment that makes me shut down. He seems even more restless than usual lately, I'm assuming it's about business. Either way, he's definitely using other women as an escape.

   Last night I sat behind my pillar, curious about who he may be with. I was later than usual due to my studies, but I caught the end of it all. One woman didn't walk out of his room, two did. Even though he isn't necessarily committing adultery, his actions are repulsing. This time, instead of hiding while Junior's whores walked by me, I stood up, looked them all in the eye, and walked away. It was worth the look on Junior's face. I've decided I no longer want to see the women Junior lays with. I honestly don't know why I've spied on him as long as I have, but seeing women I will never be able to compete with, physically at least, does nothing for my ego. Last night I decided my place is no longer behind a pillar.

   Then there's Michael. I've been very careful to not allow Junior and him to meet, there's something odd between them. I don't care to find out where their animosity started, nor do I care to give Junior an opportunity to explain our arranged marriage. That's not something easy to explain, it's not very pleasant either. Since I've found out Michael and I spent time at the orphanage together, thoughts of the little boy who plagues my dreams have intensified. I've never been able to identify the boy, or see his eyes. My father used to tell me you can tell a lot about a person by their eyes. If they are vengeful or forgiving, if they hold an inextinguishable anger in them, right at the precipice of exploding. Or if they hold kindness in their hearts, it will shine through their eyes. Michael's eyes show me apprehension and sorrow.

   I feel there is a story too painful for him to share with me, one that he has locked away tight. It intensifies my intrigue more knowing he doesn't want to talk about it, which I know isn't right. I can't help it though, there's some kind of pull he has over me without even trying that makes me want to dig deeper and deeper until I explore every corner of his mind. Nonetheless, I've been enjoying the direction my life has taken me. I still have so many questions, and the marriage to Junior lingers over me like a shadow I can't shake. But I feel content with how things are.

   School has also been preoccupying me. Right now we are studying tourniquet placement and proper wound cleaning. The war has been a constant motivator for us all I think, due to the high mortality rates and amputees thus far. Winter break is also only a week away, so I'll have even more time to catch up in my courses. I worry about my time during break, if the loneliness I felt at the beginning of all this will crawl its way back into my mind, and rot like a piece of bread left out too long. My father hasn't been around much, in fact our last real conversation was when we agreed to the stipulations of my attending university. And the only time I see Junior is when we ride to school. Neither one of us has really kept up our end of the deal to grow our relationship. I've been too preoccupied with Michael and studies, and Junior with whatever he does. I have noticed he's been out of it more than usual, sometimes unsteady or blurry eyed. I haven't bothered to ask him though.