Munachi

|Chapter 32|

I wake up early the next morning and dresses before Jamal brings in my tea. Leaving him in charge of the building work for the day, I set out for the Vincents'. I'd reconsidered William's proposal in the morning light and realized that I needed to go and tell Astrid Vincent what had happened. I simply cannot try to pretend it had never occurred. My mind and heart and soul are in so much turmoil, and I can't even pray sensibly. All I can think of asking God, over and over again, is to take this problem away from me and let me be the way I was before I met William. I need help, and I pray that the Vincents has not gone out for the day.

But as I pull up to their house, I see them sitting together on the veranda having coffee. I breathe a huge sigh of relief as I shut off my motor, and moment on I'm on the veranda, sitting in a chair and sipping a steaming cup of coffee myself.

“Well, Muna, to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit this morning?” Lucien asks cheerfully.

I hesitate. It'll be difficult enough to explain what happened to Astrid, and I don't know if I can tell Lucien as well. But Lucien senses my hesitation and immediately drains his coffee cup. “I know when women don't need me around, so I'll just excuse myself. I believe I have a sermon to write.”

“Thank you, Dear,” Astrid says quickly, before I can politely protest that I don't intend for him to leave. “Now, Muna, what is the matter? You look completely exhausted. Has something happened?”

“Astrid, I'm so upset. William Constant came to see me yesterday.” I pour out the whole story. Astrid sit and listens while I explain the proposal, the kiss, my reaction, everything.

When I've finished, Astrid reaches out and takes my hand. “Muna, I'm so sorry that this has happened. I feel so awful for teasing you about Mr. Constant. You did the right thing. But,“ she speaks slowly and carefully now, “I can see you're in love with him.”

“But I—” I try to defend myself, but I can't seem to find the right words.

There is silence for a moment. Astrid stares at me. “Muna, don't judge yourself too harshly. You're a woman, and sometimes you just fall under the influence of a nice man, that's all. The sudden proposal I do not approve of, but it isn't a terrible thing if you're in love with him. I know you once said that you've been through a lot in the past. But sweetheart you're no longer living in the past. This is a new beginning, your new beginning. Don't hold on to the past, Muna, please don't.”

“Thank you, Astrid,” I mumble. “But I just don't want to ever have anything to do with men again. And I have to go to Bamenda next week to pick up the supplies I ordered for the clinic. What if I run into William Constant? I don't think I can face him. I don't think I can even be in the same town as he is, in case I run into him. I know I'm overreacting, but I just don't know what I'd say if I met him in the street or something.”

“Listen, Muna, I could use a trip to Bamenda to shop. Why don't I come along with you? It would be fun to go together.”

“Really? I'd be so grateful if you would, Astrid.”

“Of course I would. We'll make it a pleasant day in town, shopping and having lunch and getting all your work done too.”

“Oh, Astrid, you're such a wonderful friend. Thank you so much.” I return home that afternoon feeling much lighter in spirit.

♣♣♣

Luckily, I don't see William Constant when Astrid and I are in Bamenda to collect my clinic supplies. When Astrid goes off quickly to shop, I decide to pay Dr. Frank quick visit and to ask if he's heard about William. That's when I knew that William Constant had eventually left for London. For real this time.

“Is anything the matter, Muna?” asks Astrid when we've placed our orders in a small eatery. “You seem distracted.”

“I'm sorry, Astrid, I don't mean to be. I just heard from Dr. Frank that William Constant has returned to his homeland.”

“And that feels so upsetting for you, isn't it?”

I sit quietly. I let my silence be her answer.

“Muna can't you see? You're deeply in love with this man!”

“But I don't want to! I don't want to keep having these feelings for him. I don't want to be with any man.”

“Well, your heart says otherwise. Just give love another chance, Muna.”

I slowly shake my head. “No, Astrid. I can't.” Astrid sighs, staring at me.

After we have finished lunch, Jamal drives us over to the hospital, where my supplies are finally ready to be picked up. We spend the rest of the afternoon shopping again, and at the end of the day, Jamal drives us home.

Once I'm home, work on the clinic progresses rapidly. I can hardly wait until it's finished. I notice that I don't think about William much during the day any longer, and I take it as a victory in my life. Only the evenings are still a bit difficult. Some nights on the veranda, when the wind blows the way it had the night William had kissed me, I feel myself aching for it to happen again.

On Sunday evening, I sit on the veranda reading my Bible. I come to the verse in the book of John, chapter ten, where Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” The words seems to speak to me aloud, even though I read them silently. My skin prickles as I realizes that it's Jesus' own voice I'm hearing.

For a minute I feel warm and intensely alive. He's saying to me that living life more abundantly is what I should be striving for. It is His goal for my life. “Abundant life” surely means that I should open up my heart to the possibility of loving someone again, even marrying him. Avoiding love, even remarried love, if that is God's plan for me, will be wrong. As the sound of Jesus' voice fades away, I can still feel the shadow of elation and warmth lingering in my heart, like a whiff of cologne in the air when someone had just passed by.

I sit and listen to the wind, and I realize that up until now, I've not been living an abundant life. I've kept a part of my heart to myself, hidden away from anyone and protected from love. William has reopen the part of my heart that I've always kept tightly locked. God has therefore use William to show me how to begin to live more fully! I feel so relieve that I can now understand why I'd been through all the pain of knowing and loving William. I drop onto my knees and thank God.