Always Have Been, Always Will Be

01

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Chapter 1

Familiar

My bare feet on the cold wooden floor, my arms resting on both of my knees, my back on the wall, and my eyes outside the window, watching the the sky turning darker every second, perfectly reflecting what I was feeling inside. Just across the room was my now bed, yet I refused to even just sit on it, because that would have meant that I was accepting what was going to happen. So, I settled on the floor.

The knots in my stomach tightened. Was this really it? After all those years, growing up and trying hard to be the person she wanted me to be, it still wasn't enough? My mind continued to grapple with thoughts I couldn't untangle. What could I have done differently to prevent this? What more did I have to do? What more did she want?

Tumunog ang pagbukas ng pinto, ngunit ang mga mata ko'y nanatiling nakatingin lamang sa labas ng bintana.

"Elize, aalis na siya..." Mahinang untag ni Tita Nara, ngunit hindi ako umimik.

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya at ang kasunod ay ang pagsarado ng pinto. Akala ko una ay umalis na lamang siya kaya binalingan ko ang direksyon ng pinto nang makitang nandiyan pa rin pala siya. Dahan-dahang humakbang si tita palapit sa 'kin at umupo sa kama.

Umiwas ulit ako ng tingin.

"Elize," mahinang simula niya. "I might not be aware of what you went through with your mom, but I understand how you might feel upset right now..." maingat niyang sambit.

I secretly gulped, tilting my head so if a tear came rolling down, she wouldn't be able to see it.

"Your mother is having a hard time saying good bye, too. As much as she wants to stay here with you, she has no choice. She understands that you will be going to college soon, and she wants you to go to a decent school, kaya kakailanganin niyang lumabas."

I chuckled without humor.

"Well, I would have appreciated it if she was the one telling me this right now instead of you, tita," I muttered, my tone laced with obvious bitterness and betrayal.

Naramdaman ko ang pagkatigil ni Tita. Alam kong alam niya na nakukulang si Mommy sa part na 'yon, ang pag-communicate, and I know that Tita Nara just wanted to at least make things a bit lighter for me, and as much as I wished for it to be that easy, I just couldn't seem to feel anything other than being hurt.

Hindi niya nga iyon masabi sa 'kin. She never communicated with me in a way I could feel her being genuine, or where I never felt scared of what kind of words would come out of her mouth. Each day was a time for me guessing on new ways she would come up to tell me how I failed and disappointed her.

But what confused me was despite that, I would always find myself crawling for her validation.

Suminghap si Tita Nara.

"I'm...sorry, Elize," she uttered. softly. "I know it is not my apology to give, but I just don't want you to regret it."

I gritted my teeth. "Regret what, tita?" I now shifted my gaze to her face. Worry and concern were both etched across it.

Somehow, I felt guilty giving tita my passive hostility when she just wanted nothing but to comfort and console me. Though, she only knew of the surface level reasons of why I was miserable with Mommy leaving and not the deeper reason.

She put her palms on her lap. "Elizabeth will be gone for a time we won't be sure when she'd return, 'nak. I understand why you're sulking, but the least thing I want you to feel is regret not at least saying your good bye to her." She smiled gently.