Saviour ; Lewis Hamilton

nineteen

After Lewis and I kissed yesterday we didn't have much time to talk. We got back to his house pretty late and I put Luca straight to bed while Lewis stayed with his Mum.

Lewis's mum had been lovely, I could tell Luca really liked her and was comfortable being left alone with her which was a good sign.

Shortly after Lewis and I said bye to her we both went to sleep with a short kiss.

I had been kind of avoiding the relationship question. I don't really know where we stand and I don't know where I want 'us' to stand.

I don't even know if I can see myself in a relationship with him to be honest- we have such different lifestyles and I don't know if that's what I want.

I would barely see him most of the year.

I can't focus on that now though because today is Luca's first day back at school. He got up very early and was very excited to be going back for some reason.

"Mama! What am I having for breakfast?" Luca asks as he comes into the kitchen where Lewis and I were silently preparing breakfast.

"I don't know, what do you want buddy?" I ask him smiling down at him, I already know what he's going to say which is why I've already started making it.

"Pancakes!" He says happily with a cheeky grin and I surprise him by instantly giving him the plate.

"Thank you mama." He takes his plate to the living room where he was previously watching some kids show I could hear from the kitchen.

I silently start cleaning up while Lewis continues to make us breakfast.

Lewis must have noticed my quietness because as soon as Luca left us alone in the kitchen he spoke up.

"Are you okay?" He comes to stand closer to me and I get nervous.

I take a deep breath, contemplating my next words "I don't know." I answer honestly.

"Do you regret it?" He asks clearly referring to our kiss and I can tell he's nervous.

"No!" I exclaim "No.." I say again but more softly trying to find the words to explain what I'm feeling.

"Then why haven't you spoken about it?" He asks confused.

"You could've spoken about it- not just me." I retort getting defensive- not liking the attention on me.

"Don't play that card when you've been deflecting that topic since we kissed." He has a point and I squeeze my eyes shut briefly.

"I just-" I pause for a moment to look up at Lewis and he's staring back intently.

Lewis breaths out heavily and turns back to our breakfast making me feel bad for not giving him an answer.

"Don't do that- I just can't give you what you want okay? You have such a big lifestyle compared to mine. You travel the world almost all of the year and are seen with models all the time- how do I even compete with that?"

"You are what I want." He disagrees with me and I sigh.

"You'll get bored." I swallow nervously because it's true. Why would he want to be with me when he could have any celebrity or model he wanted.

"You don't get to tell me what I feel. I want you Lilah, and I've never been so sure of anything else in my life."

His words hit me like a brick to the heart.

"Well I don't know what I want! I want to be with you but I don't really know what that entails! And you're too scared to tell me." I start raising my voice as a defence mechanism- to mask how I'm on the verge of crying.