Late Night Thoughts

Then and Now

MARCH 31ST - ALMOST TWO MONTHS IN THE RELATIONSHIP

Jack and I just started getting close. He was having a rough night full of remorse on love problems, so I asked him what his definition of love was.

"I'm just saying love is a drug, you're nervous to try it at first, then you get addicted, then you can't get enough of it, and then you end up broken, sad, and worse than when you started when it ends."

At this point, I completely disagreed with him. I was in love, head over heels for Nolan. I found love to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. So I chose to try to get Jack to be open-minded about it, to give love a second, or third, or in his case, fifth shot.

"When you fall in love, it's the best thing that ever happens to you. When you fall in love, your stomach does back flips and your brain speaks in the language of ferris wheels. Love is having her curled up against you, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin with dainty fingers. Her laugh the resounds the room when you tell her jokes, even really bad ones. All of your firsts and how perfect they were that you kept going for seconds and thirds and fourths. The dreams you allow yourself to have about your future with them, the moments you attach to songs and the meaning you attach to the words 'I love you'. Falling in love is taking a risk, but who knows? If you don't take it, you may have just walked out on your soulmate."

Jack simply shrugged me off at this. He didn't believe a word of it all. He was always one for the pessimistic approach on life and love.

A MONTH AND WEEKS POST BREAKUP

Except today, the tables have turned. It is now Jack that is willing to give his heart to one familiar girl he tends to call the prettiest. He knows it might not end well, but that does not matter to him. He wants it all: the goods, the bads, and the uglies of the relationship. He wants the three A.M I love yous and the 9 o'clock fights. He wants the playful tickle fights and lustful kisses. He wants it all. 

I, on the other hand, do not believe in the same fate. I believe that maybe one day, I will recover and find love again, but it won't be anytime soon, or as pure as it was with Nolan. I am bitter and remorseful. Love has ruined me. I can't even touch another guy without a thought of him. I can't go an hour without the thought of him, let alone a day. Butterflies in stomachs and rainy day cuddles are not worth the pain of losing both my lover and simultaneously, my best friend. Together forever is a mystery to me seeing as everything is temporary. Love isn't real to me anymore. The way my chest aches when I see him, that is real. The way I shake when I think about our past memories, that is real. The way he makes my head pound and my eyesight blurry because of how high my heart rate is from lack of emotion he's showed me after a year of constant affection, admiration and attention, that is real. Addiction, that's what's real. I became addicted to feeling needed and to the way his hands held my thighs better than my favourite jeans. I became addicted to the way his breath traveled down my spine when we were skin to skin. Pain is real. Addiction is real. Love is a mere product of our imagination.