Slate Gray by alpaljames
Reviewer : RavingBlack
PLOT
Is there a clear goal/direction?
Yes.
Is it connected to the characters?
My definition for a plot being connected to a character is for that character's desires and fears to be tied in the events of the plot. By pursuing the plot, the character will naturally be pursuing their true desire as well. Please see the character section for a definition of "fears and desires".
Yes. Perrin is always trying to be strong and protect her family while she's constantly fighting back her fears and uncertainties; she's constantly embroiled in this inner conflict, even when demon slaying. The plot brings Perrin face to face with some of the worst sources of her trauma that she tries to hide by making her confront a high-level demon that I assume killed her brother or traumatized her some other way, so the plot brought this inner conflict out front and center.
You've also done this perfectly with Ace, who wants to be equals with her sister and dad. She fights her own fears of inferiority and older traumatic memories, an inner conflict that matches the plot perfectly as she attempts to prove herself as a demon slayer.
I have no complaints here. Good job.
Is the pacing rushed or dragged out?
The pacing takes its time in the first and second chapter with setting up the world and characters, and I like this. I especially like that you don't neglect to set up the emotional stakes hooked up to the plot while without making it feel like there was too much exposition.
One minor thing is that I would add something to the end of the first chapter. It doesn't have to be a major cliffhanger per say, but it wouldn't hurt to have a mildly intriguing loose end to serve as a hook into the next chapter. The first chapter wraps up nicely on its own without offering a particular mystery to make readers want to follow you into the second chapter. We saw the demon killed, we got a nice snapshot of the Slates, and now they're heading home. It's hard to imagine anything interesting happening when they're going home, but Ace running off to slay her first demon on the other hand would obviously be more hook-y.
Is the plot compelling to root for?
Yes because the character's emotional stakes and inner conflicts are tied up in the events of the plot.
CHARACTERS
Are characters' desires and fears clear?
A character's desire is what they truly want and is the motivation behind their actions. A character's fear is what they're running from over the whole plot whilst pursuing their desire. It's important to show these so readers can better see how a character will experience development and also make them more interesting.
Yes, I think you did the best job with Ace here, but Perrin's desires and fears are clear as well. Ace wants to prove herself to her family, but she's afraid that she's not tough enough for it. Her underlying motives for why she does what she does is perfectly clear, so readers can also see what her emotional stakes are in any given scene. Same goes for Perrin who wants to put on a brave front for her family, but her fears here are a bit more vague. Is she afraid that she can't protect Ace/her family? A touch of uncertainty about Perrin's fear is just a minor problem, so overall, I don't think there's much you need to work on with those two.
With Terry, I think that it might be good to drop a few hints about his desires and fears at least before chapter six when he begs Reed to go demon slaying with them. I find it a little hard to buy that someone who just witnessed that much violence, death, and paranormal activity would immediately try to jump into it with three strangers even if he found the prospect exciting. There's no need to go into exact details on it like you would do with the Slates, but just a hint would do. Maybe supporting his wish to join them with, perhaps, a close friend or family member dying to suspected paranormal activity would sell readers better on his motives.
