♥LISA POV♥
"I miss you" I said while crying on the crock of her neck
"I miss you too, baby" She said as let go of me slowly
She hold my face and wiped away all my tears. I kept sniffed while Jennie can't take her eyes off on me, she looked at me worriedly in silent until I feel better and calm myself down
"Lisa..."
"Y-yaa...??" I said stuttered breathlessly
"Try to forget about your past for a second and listen to me, can you?" she asked seriously and I nods in reply
"Lisa, I told you I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you. I will be here every single time you need me. You may doubt it. You can try to push me away if you think I will just leave but it will never happen. Everyone has a battles to fight and its perfectly okay to be a little weak sometimes. You can mad at me, yelled at me or anything when you feel hurt, when you feel fear, uneasy, anxiety and stress. But please don't hurt yourself, promise me?" She said looking straight into my eyes while cupped my face and I just looked at her wordlessly. I don't know how to responds.
9
"You know, I love you so much, I don't want something bad happens to you..." She added sincerely
I can't hide a smile come upon my lips. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her gently closer to me.
"Thank you so much Jennie but I can't promise you that, I have to fight with myself and sometimes this is just not easy" I said hopelessly
2
I have asked myself this question a thousand times. Why should I continue to fight the pain of depression? I have pondered it, I have written about it, I have talked about it with my doctor. Believe me, I understand this question. Depression, suicide and feeling unhappy for no reason. I have no answer, no answer at all.
But I can tell you this when I was 11 years old I try to killed myself, I cutting my wrist using a knife when everyday I could only hear painful words from my step father. He used to be the best father I have ever known but when Alice died. Everything changes. When I was 13 years old, I had try to killed myself by crashing my body into Seungri Oppa car after knowing Alice murderer was my biological father when he is the reason I came to Korea to asks him for help. When I was 14 years old, when Seungri Oppa brought me to be a trainer on YG. Everything was getting better. I began to find my happiness slowly after I met Chaeyoung and Miyeon.
But its not as easy as it seems. Everything doesn't just get better as I thought. I live in a nightmares. Every time it raining hard and strong thunderstorm, I feel everything repeating. Those memories, Alice and all the pain felt so real and make me got panic attack. It feels like my throat is closing up and I can't breathe. My heart beats so fast that I swear it will come out of my chest.
When I was debuted as a DJ everything even more complicated. I started to use antidepressants to calm myself down. While sometimes I refuse to admit it that I'm depression. I told myself I'm okay. I'm normal. I'm happy. People loved me. My fans always there for me, rooting me. Everyone know me, everyone liked me because I'm famous.
But see, life is funny that way. I despise being hit over the head by myself when I feel my head aches but I had no choices and I have to that until I felt the pain then I will stop, I punching the wall until my knuckles bleeding until I can't stand the pain again then I will stop. I frequently want to give up. I frequently want to surrender to depression. I frequently want to end this fucking fight. But all I can say is my fight is the matters how I can live my life. But sometimes people choose to die not actually to end their lives but to end their pains.
