They Call It Depression {edited}

Chapter Five

I made the mistake of getting an abortion. It was clear to me that I couldn't lose Brandon, the best boyfriend I'd ever had. And I didn't want to humiliate him further. So I went to the women's clinic and signed the papers.

I waited by myself in the lobby. Brandon had offered to come with me, and part of me wanted him to. But I'd insisted that him coming would make this whole thing seem too important. I didn't want it to feel important. I wanted to get it over with and forget about it for the rest of my life.

- - -

But obviously that hasn't happened. I still have nightmares about that day. I wonder what my life would've been like had I kept the baby, and raised the little boy or girl. Would I still be with Brandon? Would I have ever met Nathan? Would I have ever become a Christian? These questions haunt me every day of my life.

Sometimes I wish I had kept the baby, that I'd chosen to let the little thing live. But maybe that wasn't part of God's plan for me. If I hadn't aborted the baby, I never would've gotten to where I am today. Maybe I never would've heard the name of Jesus. And I think that my salvation was more important to Him than letting that baby come into this world. I hate to put it like that, but it's what I tell myself so I can move on.

So I can forget. But I will never forget.

- - -

I go to visit my parents. They live in St. Louis, Missouri. The college I'm attending is in Maine. It'll take some getting used to, living in the south again. But I'm ready for the challenge.

It's been awhile since I've seen my parents. I think the last time was when I graduated into the sophomore class. A whole year without them. I have to admit, I've missed them. They still don't know I was raped.

Finally, I reach my old house. It has blue siding and a wrap-around porch. The grass is freshly mowed and the laundry hangs out on the clothesline to dry. I take a deep breath and smell the Missouri air. This is home.

I walk up the front steps and ring the doorbell. I've heard that familiar sound a million times. That's the sound that started it all. Dean Morgan rang this bell five years ago and changed my life forever. I try to clear my head before the memories can start, but it's too late.

- - -

"Mackenzie Hart!" the doctor called. It was my turn in the office.

I walked down the hallway to his office. That's where it all happened. Thankfully, I don't remember much. They put me to sleep so I wouldn't feel anything.

When I woke up, the procedure was over. My blood was on the table and I was wearing a hospital gown that was much too big for me. I felt a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. The baby was gone. I had ended a life.