Tangerine

Chapter 96

Soundtrack: Led Zeppelin - Fool In The Rain

Dedication: amanda (notasimpleteen) hi, love :) here is an update for you! you've been here for quite a while and i appreciate your support more than you might know :) thank you for always voting and staying updated with tangerine. i feel very honoured to belong to your favourite reading list! that's so cool. just like you. okay, this is getting cheesy now haha enjoy the read! x

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Running into the ladies' toilets, I burst into the first stall and let it all go.

My hands grip onto either side of the toilet bowl until my knuckles turn white. My stomach kicks up to my throat and my back arches, liquid falling into liquid. I throw up until I'm dry heaving and vulnerable. Not having much in my gut to begin with, hardly anything comes out after my first couple of rounds.

Nothing, except for endless tears.

"Fuck," I pant, tears hot on my cheeks. "Fucking why...? Why...?"

My knees hit the tiled floor.

My body tingles like pins and needles, because it's not just my eyes that are crying, it's my entire being.

"I'm so tired..." I choke, tears falling into the toilet bowl. Shakily sobbing, I flush my remnants, hanging onto the metal handle above me. "I'm so fucking tired..."

I feel like my head has been stuffed into a glass jar. I'm blinded by my tears and deafened by my sobs. I'm strung out and worn out and I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I can't tell if I'm genuinely going mad, or if I've simply been put under enough pressure to chain me down and stress me the fuck out.

There are certain things I just can't ignore anymore. So much has been happening and I've been following along with the ride, holding my head high. But with everything I'm learning and everything I'm still determinedly working through, there's no blind-siding this one anymore.

Whatever might have caused me to run in here and be sick, that's not what's plaguing me now. There is one awful realisation that I never wanted to admit. And it's fucking repulsive.

My manager is coming onto me.

"Oh, god..." I sob terribly into the backs of my hands, finally grasping onto the harsh, blunt truth.

This is my job. This is my life. How am I going to control this?

I gasp and dry heave, nearly throwing up into the toilet again, although there's not much left to expel.

"Shit," I curse, spitting harshly and choking out loud. "Fucking shit-" my fist flies to the side wall, sounding a loud bang and rattle ‒ sending me to collapse over the toilet bowl yet again.

I can't do this anymore.

I want my parents.

I wanna go home.

"I just- wanna- go home..." I bawl shakily, tears pouring down my cheeks.

And that's when a small voice sounds in the back of my mind, reminding me that my first home never really felt like a home, and it becomes near impossible to swallow, let alone breathe.

I sob silently, letting my shoulders shake and my stomach lurch. My eyes are squeezed tight shut, like if I can't see a thing, maybe all of this will seem less real. It's all too fucking real.

Ah, and then, there's the other situation.

The Niall situation.

"It's just how things go! ‒ Dunno, it's just not for me," scattered words of Niall's replay over and again in my battered mind. "Not with your whole heart, though. ‒ I hardly believe that."