Keeping Secrets (Book I)✔️

Chapter Twenty-Three

After that day after school with Eric, I was sure of a lot more things than I had been before. I couldn't go back to Eric, whether it be hooking up or a relationship, that was one thing I knew for sure. Another was that I needed to forget about him but it was so damn hard to do. Things like that were always easier said than done. Although I wasn't as reserved as I was before I had talked to Eric, it was still extremely hard to go back to how I had been before, when I was more care-free.

I hadn't talked to Eric since that day. When we saw each other, it was hard to not look away. The embarrassment of it all had died down but I could still sense it sometimes, especially whenever I saw him or Chloe, or even Mick.

Going every day without someone you loved was hard. It wasn't like how they said it was in books and films, it was a hell of a lot worse. Although there was no cliché aching going on in my chest where my heart was, I missed him so much. I had adapted and gotten to use to having him around every day. We may not have seen each other in person but we would at least talk most days.

I tried to go back to the time when everything was normal in my head, but it hadn't been normal in a while. I remembered our visits to IHOP, and that night when we ran away from the angry farmer who was chasing us. I remembered just being in his arms, I remembered how he would squeeze me when we hugged and I remembered our kisses. I had a collection of memories since the first time both Eric and I had met; they were only beginning to surface now, after we were done.

As much as my friends asked me out places, I had to decline their many offers. They knew something was up with me, they mentioned it quite a bit but I wasn't ready to talk to them. Charlotte knew about Eric but she didn't know half of what was going on in my head. As much as they all were just trying to help, it wasn't working. I wondered when it had gotten so hard to go on without one person in your life, how had I not seen it coming: how much I cared about Eric. I was foolish, and now I was going on like some girl in a soppy romance film. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was hard to change.

I was sitting in my living room, watching TV, one Saturday night when I heard the doorbell ringing. I hoped it wasn't Emma or Kevin, as bad as that sounded, I couldn't deal with them tonight. I had already said no to their invitation to Emma's house but it wouldn't surprise me if they turned up at my door anyway. My dad was out of town for tonight so it couldn't have been him either.Once I walked out into my hallway and opened the door, I immediately froze.

Eric.

He had a painful expression on his face, like he was a mixture of sadness and even more sadness. His hair was messed up and he was frowning. His appearance brought tears to my eyes.

"What?" I croaked out, not able to speak properly.

"Can I come in?" he shifted from one foot to the other on the threshold for a moment and I hesitated. "I just want to talk." He added and I opened the door fully, allowing him to come in. He followed me into the sitting room and sat down.

I sat down on the sofa opposite him, wanting and needing to keep my distance as much as possible throughout this encounter.

"Talk." I finally said.

"I miss you Florence." He remembered to call me by my full name and I was glad of it but I didn't know what to say. Should I just tell the truth or not?

"And I miss you too but whatever we had is done, I can't put myself through anything like that with you again." I looked down at my hands that were resting on my lap.

"What if we didn't go back to how we were? What if we became a proper couple this time?"

"No." I spoke again, I was a lot more angry at his words than I expected. "It took you this long to actually ask me that? Do you know how long we've been hooking up?"

"We could try-"

"No, I told you already. I don't want it now, it's too late. You don't even want it do you Eric? You just don't want this to stop because you've become too used to me and you think I'm easy or something." His jaw clenched at my words.

"Of course not! No, I don't think you're easy at all. Why would you even think that?"

"You haven't made me think otherwise."

"If you don't want a relationship what do you want? Please Florence, I'm willing to do anything."

"Nothing. Not anymore." I said with finality in my voice. I stood up and gestured for him to leave but he only walked closer to my and stayed in the same spot. "I want you to go now, there's nothing else to talk about."

"There is. I haven't said half of what I came here to say."

"I don't want you to tell me anything else, don't hurt me anymore than you have already." He looked even more now by my words. He didn't speak though, just walked slowly past me and to the door. That was when I chose to speak, to say something that continued to play on my mind ever since we first met each other. "You know, all I ever wanted was for you to just look at me. To just acknowledge that I was even there, that I existed when someone else was around." I could feel the tears forming in my eyes now and he noticed this, he moved a step closer only for me to take another back.

"I'm sorry." He gulped and I could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"You can't just be hot and cold whenever you want Eric. Do you know how many times you've pushed me away since this all began?" I was crying now, I could feel my tears running down my cheeks. I didn't even know why I was so upset; I guess I was finally saying what I had to say. "A hell of a lot, but I still kept talking to you. You make me feel so many things Eric, both good and bad and I don't want that anymore." He was wrapping his arms around me now in a warm and comforting embrace. I inhaled his smell, remembering how much I missed him but this was how it was supposed to be: whether I missed him or not, we needed to stop this. I think I was afraid that night, I think I was always afraid. Although Eric was the one with the commitment issues, I couldn't help but get this nervousness in my stomach when I thought about how much I cared for him.

"Shh. It's okay." He soothed me, rubbing his hands up and down my back gently. He kissed my forehead and I looked up from his hoodie to meet his eyes.

"We just can't do this anymore." I said quietly, he nodded slowly after a minute or two in understanding.

"Okay." He said painfully, squeezing me tighter. I felt like he would never let me go and in that moment, I didn't want him to. But it was soon over and he pulled away with slowness, like he didn't want to but I didn't know for sure. I pursed my lips and looked at his shoulder, avoiding eye contact until he tilted my chin up towards him. His lips brushed off of mine and I kissed him back but it was only for a moment. Once he let go he made his way to the door.

"Goodbye Florence." He muttered.

"Goodbye." I replied but he was already out the door and gone.

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