My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 12 - Words, Words, Words

**July 27th**

"What do you want Jessie," Allan asks as he swings the door open. I look up at him and it looks almost as though he'd been crying. Oh God, no. He's never cried because of me, has he?

"I just- I just wanted to tell you that I overreacted, I overreacted about what you said earlier, I was just worked up. I'm sorry," I mumble, fairly sure that half of what I had said he couldn't even pick up on. His face was very stony has he turned away from the open doorway and sat at the headboard of his bed. I had always been able to come into his room as I please whenever I was around, but lately it felt different. Almost like I was nervous to be in there anymore. I make my way to the bed anyway and push my chair away once I'm next to him. I had to make sure I closed the door behind me so Becca wouldn't hear anything. I also locked it so she wouldn't come in and see us talking like this.

"Jessie, I only said what I said because I was upset. I didn't want you to leave again, but I also didn't want you to stay and have to go to a shitty school because of me."

"I'm not doing any of this because of you, I'm doing what's best for me and where I'm going once I'm done with it. I'm not going to be working as a stripper anymore because nobody wants some peg-legged bitch up on stage. I already have too much time off to make up for at the pet store, and besides, the pet store is 2 hours away so I'd have to go on a 3-4 hour long bus ride just to make it there. So I basically have no job, nor do I have any way to get one and be able to perform well because of my therapy schedule. I have too many goddamn medical bills and other things piling up that I'm trying to pay off but I'm in a life surrounded by shitty things and shitty people. I don't care about anybody anymore and I won't until I get out of this hole I buried myself in. I do love you, but I can't focus on that. I need to focus on me." I let out a slight breath I didn't realize I had held through my speech and looked up at Allan.

His eyes were still the same bright eyes they've always been, but something was wrong. They were hiding something. He's always been so open, but he is hiding something from me. There was an obvious pain in his eyes. He nodded, chewing on the edge of his lip. He was scanning my face, almost like he was looking for something. He opened his mouth to speak but shut it soon after, turning his head to stare at the blank wall next to him.

While he was turned I took a moment to look him over. I let my eyes trail him, lingering in some places while only skimming others. He had grown more muscular since I got back from Columbus. He also had much more defined lines tracing his arms. His hair was longer than it used to be too, like he hadn't cut it since I left. He was only wearing his boxers, although this is how he usually was when I was over. I saw that his stomach had flattened since I had seen it last. He looked much more masculine than he used to, if I'm being honest.

"Jessie?"

"What, what is it?"

"I asked you what you were staring at."

"Oh, um, nothing, nothing at all. Don't worry about me." I let out a nervous laugh which made him go rolling in his own laughter.

"You like what you saw, didn't you, Jess," he says wiggling his eyebrows. He really can make me laugh at the worst possible moments, can't he? A broad smile rolls across his face as he lays down on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "Is everything alright between us, Jess?"

"Yeah, we're fine." I say, still grinning from what he said earlier. "I didn't want us to every have issues but they're all gone now, right Allan?"

"Yup," he says, sounding sure of himself. "I'm going to take a wild guess and say things are going to go great this year." He flashes a bright smile when he glances at me. I slide over next to him, wrapping myself around his side. He rubs his hand in small circles around my back. I look up at him closing the gap between us as I bury my face in his neck, leaving him in a tight embrace. He kisses my shoulder lightly, brushing my neck with his lips ever so gently as he moves up toward my own. He kisses my jawline before crashing into me with a heavy kiss on my lips. I run my hands through his hair letting myself melt into him.