My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 16 - Sharing

**August 11th**

I walk out of the building followed by Justin. Once we are outside I sit down on an empty bench near the road. "Hey," Justin says. "What are you doing, don't you have a ride?"

"No," I say, looking out across the road and at one of the houses little houses. "I would've if my ride didn't have school at Carlisle."

"I could take you home, it's not like I have anywhere else to be. I have to warn you though, my car isn't very nice."

"Thanks, but I don't know. I might just wait until he gets here."

"You don't have to do that," he says, tugging me by the arm. "Come on, it's too hot out here to sit and wait. Give your friend a call and tell him you got a ride." I pull out my old phone and flip it open, dialing Allan's number as I walk into the parking lot with Justin. I leave him a message telling him to take Becca straight home and that I got a ride with a friend. "It's this one," Justin says, pulling open the door. I open the passenger door and climb inside.

It wasn't a bad car really, it actually was nicer than Allan's. "So," I say, trying to make myself feel a little less awkward. "Lets, um, lets get going." He nods and starts the car. I give him my address and he nods.

"I think I've been around there before." Once we're on the road he turns on the stereo and flips it to a different station. Eventually we turn onto my street and see that Allan has already gotten home. I climb out of the car and say a quick thank you to Justin before hurrying inside. I'm greeted by Allan and Eliza from the living room.

"So," Allan says. "Who was that?"

"Oh, him? Well, he's the one who showed me around today. He's really nice, although I don't know why." I shrug and walk back into my room. I drop my bag on the floor and sit down on the edge of my bed. Allan follows me inside and shuts the door behind himself, flicking the lock, probably just out of habit.

"So," he says, a bit anxiously. "How was your first day at Franklin?"

"Awful," I grumble, shaking my head and staring down at my hands.

"Oh God, what happened, Jess?"

"The girl who recorded me and got me kicked out of Carlisle. She goes to Franklin and is in almost all my classes. I got this note that said she got 10 days of detention for what she did and said to me. I had to put on a bit of a show to keep her from seeming like a good person. She called me things, things like what used to be in the notes at Carlisle. It followed me, Allan." He sits down next to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest.

I let myself cry for the first time in so long. I end up soaking the front of him, but he doesn't seem to mind. He just rocks me back and forth, running a soft hand through my hair. It felt nice, but I felt so weak. So vulnerable. I hated it. I pull my face from him and sit back up straight. I wipe my eyes and stop my tears. No, I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to let any of this get to me. "Jess," he says softly. "It'll get better, I promise." I shrug his arm off my shoulder and lay down, reaching into my bag.

"Go," I say quietly. "I'll be fine, I just want to get some sleep, I'm exhausted." He nods and stands up from my bed, walking out of my room, but not before turning to look at me as I lay there. I hear the door shut and pull out my notebook to write. After however long it took me to write what happened at school and afterwards I hear my door creak open. I jump and shut my notebook hastily. I turn my head to see Allan standing in the doorway again.

"Jessie," he says. "It's time for dinner, come on." He pauses for a moment as I'm moving to slide my notebook back into my bag. "What's that?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," I say, cramming it into my bag and zipping it shut.

"No, Jess," he says sternly. "What is it, tell me."

"I already did, it's nothing important. You already know everything I wrote in there."

"What are you talking about, what is it?" He walks over and reaches for my bag but I latch a hand onto his wrist. "Why can't I see it, what could be so bad if I already know it? If I already know it, why can't I just see it?" I let go of his wrist and unzip my bag, pulling the black notebook out and flipping through the pages. I scan through and find one page and put a sticky note on it and keep flipping before finding another page and sticking a note to it.

"You can't read what's between the notes. Just take it and read what is outside them. I don't want you to read it," I throw the notebook at him and stand up, grabbing my cane from against the wall. I walk out of the room without looking back at him and into the kitchen. I hear a couple doors open and shut again before I see Allan appear in the doorway. Eliza carries a few plates out into the dining room and Becca helps set the table. I turn towards the table when I feel a hand on the back of my elbow. I turn around to find Allan looking at me softly. "What do you want now," I ask with a sigh. "Trying to get me to let you read all the shit I write"

"No," he says solemnly. "Just trying to tell you that nothing surprises me anymore. I know almost everything that happened to you, and I just don't want you to think anything will make me not like you as much as I do." His voice was hushed as Eliza and Becca rushed through the space between the kitchen and the dining room. "Don't act like I hate you now, Jess." He releases my arm and walks over to the table, finally set and ready for dinner. We eat and carry on brief conversations before we all reside to another room. I swing open my door and don't bother to close it as I collapse onto my bed.

Soon Allan walks inside with my notebook in hand. "Jess," he says softly. "I don't need to read this, I just want you to tell me what happened. I read the first page and I felt bad, please just tell me what you want to tell me."

"I don't want to tell you any of it right now," I say angrily. "I've had a shitty enough day without making you hate me with what I did... How I felt. I'm not speaking anything I wrote, Allan. Not a word of it, so if you want to know what happened while I was gone, or how I feel about you, you're going to have to read it, because I can't talk about any of the bullshit right now." I lay on my back and tilt my chin to the ceiling. I hear the door shut just before Allan sits down next to me. I try my hardest not to look at him, but it's impossible. He's like a magnet and all I want to do is be close to him right now, but I can't, I have to keep my distance before I lose focus again. Before I forget what I'm trying to figure out.

I look him over and he reaches out with his hand towards me, but stops and pulls it away shaking his head. He obviously doesn't know I'm looking at him. I look back up and take my time scanning his face a little bit. He looks down at the notebook and flips it open. "If you aren't going to tell me," he says. "I'm just going to have to figure things out for myself." While he is distracted with that I find myself drawn to all the slight features on his face. He has a slight crinkle in his forehead, such bright eyes, too. He looked older, like he has been worried about something and it has added a few years to him. The corners of his mouth was turned down as he read, but once in a while he would smirk or let a smile drift onto his face.

I sit up and lean over next to him, letting my head rest on his shoulder. I scan the page and realize he's reading about the run-in with my mom and Becca. I glance up at him and his mouth is in a hard line, like he's angry about something. I turn back away and roll over onto the side of the bed. I pull off my prosthetic and set it on the floor along with my cane. I swing my good leg up and onto the bed and wrap up in one of the balled-up blankets and turn away from Allan. I let my mind drift slightly before I start to nod off, eventually letting sleep simply take me away.

I never heard him leave at any point, so I wasn't sure if he ever did. I don't care though, all I care about is that he doesn't read what I don't want him to read.

Some things, are just better to be kept a secret.