My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 28 - Pity

****September 7th****

"Alright, Jess," Eliza says. We were walking through the front door for my first night back home. "It's good to be home. How's this sound, we get a good nights rest and then decide what we'll be doing tomorrow?"

"That's fine," I mumble. "I just want to get some good sleep."

"Well," Allan says, gesturing towards the hallway. "Let's get some sleep then!" He walks down the hall with me and I branch off into my bedroom and Allan off to his. I collapse onto my bed after letting my door swing shut behind me. My eyes slam shut and in almost an instant I am fast asleep against the soft sheets.

****September 8th****

Throughout the night I flashed between dream after dream, not quite remembering any one dream in particular. Some featured my father, mother, and Becca; while others featured things I had never thought about, such as my wedding day, I actually had 3 different dreams of my wedding day. One of which I was startled to see Allan standing at the end of the aisle. That was the most vivid of the dreams. It was also the last one I had before I snapped awake.

I look around and there were bright beams of sunlight streaking across my room through the cracks in my curtains. I tug them fully shut and reach over to the nightstand and pick up my phone to check the time.

1 New Voicemail

1 Missed Call

1 New Message

They were all from an unknown number, so I hit the voicemail and listen.

"Hey," the man's voice grumbles. "I found your number and thought I'd ask. I know you tried to hurt yourself, I was just curious... What's wrong with your head? I mean... If there is anything wrong, call me and tell me about it.... I'd love to hear about it." The message cut off and I clicked out and into the new text message. This one was from an actual number.

Whats up, Jessie? It's Justin. What's going on with you? I know something happened, I haven't been listening to any of the rumors. Why haven't you been around? Please text me back, Jess.
11:47 p.m. Sept. 5th 2015.

Oh, what have the rumors been talking about? If it's anything about me trying to kill myself I'd say that's about right. I haven't been around because I've been unconcious in a hospital bed for a few days. I just got back to my house today and I'm moving so I won't be coming in anytime soon. I slit my wrists and almost bled out in that janitor's closet.

Sent. 9:27 a.m.

I tossed my phone onto my pillow and stretched out my arms. Who was that other guy anyway? I sit on the edge of my bed and tie up my leg. Standing, I reach for my cane and take a few shaky steps toward my door. I twist the knob and pull it back, shakily walking out of my room.

I look around the hall and up at the walls. Usually they were adorned with pictures and paintings, but now they were blank, revealing all of the grey walls. As I walk through the house it feels much less like home, more like some unknown, foreign land.

I walk through the archway and into the kitchen and take a short look around. There were only a few things left sitting on the counters. Most objects were replaced by boxes, both empty and full, and packing tape. I open up the cabinet and pull a Pop-Tart out of the box and hurry back into my room. I needed something that felt normal. Something that didn't seem too different.

As I push my door open I feel a warm hand on my elbow. "Jessie," a voice says. It was clearly Allan's. "Can I talk to you?" I nod and pull my arm away, pushing my door the rest of the way open. He follows me inside and shuts the door.

"What did you want," I grumble, pulling the package in my hand open.

"I just wanted to talk to you," he says, sitting down on my bed and pulling my hand, making my sit next to him. I prop my canes against the wall and nibble on my breakfast.

"Why do you care so much? All I've ever done since we met all those years ago was make you upset," I say. "Why?"

"Because you're special. Not because I pity you. Not because I think you can give me anything I could want. But because you're special. Special to me, and to Eliza."

"Oh just shut up," I snap. "Stop calling me special. Stop trying to make me 'feel better' like I know you're always trying to do. All I want, Allan, is for things to go back to the way they used to be. The way they were when we were younger. The way things were when I didn't have such a weight on my shoulders."

"Jess," Allan continues. "I've tried. Believe me, I have. I can't change what's happened though. What I can do is make things worth it now. I can only make things worth it if you're willing to stick around long enough for me to try. Can you promise me that?"

"Allan-" I start.

"No, none of that. Can you promise me that you'll let me try?"

I purse my lips and look up at his pleading eyes. "I promise." A small smile plays across his lips as he wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace. It's only broken when my phone vibrates against my nightstand, making a loud noise.

"Who's that," Allan asks. I reach for my phone in silence. It was a call from that unknown number again. I click the answer button and hold it up to my ear.

"Hello?" I say. There was no reply for quite a while, but I hear short breaths on the other line, so I know the caller is still there. "Who is this?"

"Jessie," a man's ragged voice says. "Is that you?"

"Who is this, how did you get this number?"

"I'm not important, tell me your story," he grumbles. His voice was deep and almost shaky. He sounded nervous and impatient.

"Jessie," Allan says. "Who is that?"

I cup my hand over the end of the phone and look down at the screen. I quickly end the call and look up at Allan. "It's nobody. They wouldn't tell me their name. Probably just some prank call." My eyes trail off and I found it hard to look straight at Allan. I click the end call button and stare down at my wrists.

"You seem worried," he says, wrapping a protective arm around me. "Talk to me Jess."

"I'll tell you another time," I say. "I promise."

"Jess..."

"Don't worry Allan." I wrap an arm around his broad shoulders and pull myself closer to him. "I'm okay now, promise." I knit my fingers together around him and bury my face in his shoulder. He lets out a sigh and tightens his grip around my waist.

"Jess," he asks.

"Hmm?" I pull my eyes up and look at him.

"I love you," he says.

"I love you too, Allan," I slip. I clamp my lips shut. What the hell was that? Did I really just say that? I'm such a-

My thoughts are cut short when Allan's finger's slide up my cheek. "I've waited so long to hear that again," he whispers. He pulls my lips to his in a soft, gentle kiss and I feel myself melting under his touch. Again.

I fell my hands aimlessly wander his sides as he kisses me softly. I bet you enjoyed it. Whore. Slut. Selling yourself. Kill yourself. You're disgusting. Little Whore. These things flooded through my head and I sprang from him.

"I-I," I stutter, shaking my head. "I'm sorry..." I cup my face in my hands and mumble indecipherable things under my breath.

"You're alright Jessie," he whispers. "It'll be alright." He moves closer to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder, rubbing small circles around my back. My back feels hot under his touch, I can't help but move from the embrace. I stand up, with the help of my canes and pick up a box in the corner of my room.

"I should probably get started on my packing," I say. "I think it would be best if you did the same."